“Glee” Episode 307 Recap: I kissed a girl — sort of

ANYWAY. Finn tells Santana he’s got a great idea for “a lesson” if she and the Trouble Tones will join him and the New Directions after school. And just … a straight person cannot teach a gay person “a lesson” about coming out. I’m sorry. They can’t. That’s asinine. And I’m going to be done talking about this now.

Rachel takes a slowmo walk on down the hall lamenting the way high school kids prefer Pixie Sticks to proper student government. Man, she’s going to be crushed when she votes in her first grown-up election and finds out people prefer homophobia to health insurance. She voices over about how she’s going to end up in New York without her best gay if Kurt doesn’t win the election. And, again: Man, she’s going to be crushed when she realizes Ryan Murphy isn’t writing that spin-off for her and Kurt anymore. It’s gonna be a rough couple of years for ol’ Rachel Berry. Kurt drops the first archaic election joke of the night, talking about how he’s going to stuff the ballot box the way JFK did when he beat Nixon back in 1960.

(ProTip: If the coming out intervention is causing you to convulse, consider drinking your way through this episode. Every time a teenager makes a political joke written by your grandmother, drink! Keywords: Michael Dukakis, Ross Perot, Oliver North.)

Rachel goes, “Are you really thinking about cheating?!” And we’re meant to believe she’s appalled, but come on, it’s Rachel Berry. I love that girl, but her eyes light up like Christmas when the opportunity arises for to diabolical scheming. Slytherin is Slytherin, friends.

(ProTip Redux: Another way to get trolleyed during “I Kissed a Girl” is to take a shot every time Sugar does something silently amazing. Starting right now.)

Finn scrawls “Lady Music Week” on the white board and Sugar Motto makes the same face I’m making. He launches into a speech about how the Glee club loves Santana enough to let her be who she wants to be. As long as who she wants to be is an out and proud teenage lesbian. Santana literally goes, “So, wait, I don’t even get a say in this?” No, Santana. No, you don’t. You come out when Finn Hudson tells you to come out, OK? It’s like the rules of feminism.

Kurt and Blaine are the first performers in PatronizingFest 2012. Fortunately, they’re Kurt and Blaine, so: a) They know what the actual hell they’re talking about in terms of the whole gay biz, and b) they make everything around them 6,000 percent more adorable. Like, my wrath subsides in a nanosecond — the way it would if I saw a family of kittens frolicking across the top of a rainbow — when Blaine says they’re going to perform a song they sing to each other in the car. The song is P!nk‘s “F–kin’ Perfect, because of course it is. Honestly, I would have preferred to watch 42 minutes of Kurt and Blaine driving around serenading each other. But, I mean, that’s true every week.

The good part is Chris Colfer and Darren Criss sound incredible together, per the ushe. The bad part is that this shit is actually happening. Santana is being forced to sit in a room full of people trying to sing and stare her out of the closet. Santana says it better than me, though: “Thank you. Thank you all. Finn especially. After all the horrible crap I’ve been though in my life, now I get to add that.”

Sue is journaling again. Jane Lynch‘s delivery is perfect again.

Why would someone assume I’m a friend of Ellen just because I’m mannish and highly aggressive and have short hair and I only wear track suits and I coach a girl’s sport and I married myself? It just doesn’t make sense.

Don’t worry about it, Sue; nothing on this show makes sense.

Sue decides she’s got to get herself a beard a boyfriend, so she flips through her actual Rolodex and decides to go after Bieste’s beau. Poor Bieste. She doesn’t even realize the very foundation of her nightly leg press routine is about to be shaken to its core by the machinations of the master. She’s in the lunch room, chomping down on one of those roasted pig bodies with the apple stuck in its mouth like from a cartoon luai. She says so many gross things about bonking Cooter, but really she’s just saying gross things about doing some bench pressing with Cooter.

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