“Glee” Episode 307 Recap: I kissed a girl — sort of

Christie Keith‘s house pulled some electrical shenanigans last night before Glee aired, so she was unable to recap this week, which means you’re stuck with me. Allow me to pre-apologize and beg your mercy. You will be back in Christie’s capable, graceful hands next week, I promise.

Previously on Glee, an intergalactic election was held to determine if any couple in any sector of the space-time continuum was as cute as Kurt and Blaine, and the answer was no forever. Also: some students started campaigning for McKinley High class president. Dianna Agron somehow managed to keep her perfect, perfect head from exploding despite being stuck in the worst storyline in the history of moving pictures. Puck boned Idina Menzel a little bit. And Santana and Brittany officially became official, and while they shared some off-screen tub time, they didn’t share an on-screen kiss. Which will, of course, be rectified in an episode titled “I Kissed a Girl,” right? RIGHT? (Spoiler alert: Wrong!) Oh, and Finn outed Santana and so Santana walloped Finn, and all the fandom feelings were felt that day.

Santana and Finn and Will and Idina Menzel are in Figgins’ office discussing the finer points of Santana’s savage attack on Finn. Figgins goes, “Obviously we have a zero tolerance violence policy, so I’m going to have to suspend you for two weeks.” Santana is like, “Even on a show that values continuity the way banks value Monopoly dollars, that’s a little bit ridiculous. Rachel Berry and I have murdered at least a dozen people in these very hallways and buried them under the bleachers in the gym. Also, the promo campaigns for the last two seasons have been built around slushie and dodge ball attacks, so.” Actually, she says she has a Hulk-shaped alter-ego named Snicks who sometimes takes over her body to seek vengeance against the moronic. Frankly, I wish that were true. That and the Berry/Lopez Murder Club.

Finn jumps in and says Santana only stage-slapped him, not for-real slapped him, and so she doesn’t get suspended after all. For a hot second, it seems like Finn is feeling appropriately sh–ty for outing her, but really he just wants her to be able to compete at Sectionals so New Directions can beat the Trouble Tones fair and square. Or something. But also — and this is where things take a turn toward epic patronization, so if you’re prone to head explosions, stop reading — he “feels sorry” for her because she’s not ready to come out.

OK, and I’m not going to have a rage aneurysm about this or anything, but this storyline is ridiculous. First, let’s be clear: Finn outed Santana because she pissed him off. Which: Fine. Whatever. Some people think she deserved it. Some people think being outed isn’t a thing anyone ever deserves. Either way, it’s realistic, and at the very least, it was the catalyst for some really intense dialogue about outing from gay and mainstream media outlets alike. But this whole coming out intervention business is infuriating.

It’s rad that Finn wants Santana to feel free to be her unicorn-loving self. It’s cool that he knows how sometimes people turn their aggression inward when they’re so full of anger. But come on, man. He feels sorry for her? HE FEELS SORRY FOR HER? That’s condescending to a face-punching degree. Even the most empathetic straight ally cannot begin to comprehend the dynamic process of coming out. The way antecedent experiences and cultural triggers and zeitgeisty conversations and religious leanings and familial relationships and a badrillion unspeakable hopes and fears and dreams and nightmares collide inside a person when they say out loud for the very first time, “I’m gay.” And all the well-meaning guilt-trippin’ and in-your-face singin’ in the world isn’t going to change that. As gay people, we don’t get to choose whether or not our friends and families and co-workers and church leaders and politicians accept us, but coming out in our own time in our own way in our own space is the one thing we do get to choose. And we deserve to figure out how to do that in our own time in our own way.

So I appreciate all the support Santana’s friends are going to lavish on her, I really do. But coming out is about more than loving yourself and believing in yourself and acknowledging that you’re f–king perfect just the way you are. Yeah, that’s part of it. But the fact that Finn thinks that’s all of it is just proving my point. A for effort, Hudson. F for execution.

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