After that, Mike he heads to football practice, where Coach
Beiste is sitting next to a pair of crutches. “Listen up, ladies,”
she says. “I kicked a fire hydrant when I found out Ace of Cakes was canceled, so… the crutches.
“Number two, the entire wrestling team has come down
with a flesh-eating staph infection so fellas, wash yourselves! and that
includes your batcaves and your bramble patches.” (Could this be where
Lauren Zizes has gone?)
Coach Beiste goes on to say that all the guys are expected
to dance in West Side Story unless
specifically excused by her.
Azimio says, “Coach, meaning no disrespect, but my
daddy didn’t raise me to be no damn ballerina. In fact, my daddy didn’t even
She’s not interested in his excuses. “Ballet improves
your coordination, it boosts your IQ, and it gets half the NFL on Dancing With the Stars. Booyah. By
Wednesday, everyone is going to show up at auditions and dance.”
“How are we supposed to learn to dance by
“Figure it out,” she says.
They all look at Mike, who gulps. One more thing on the
In the school cafeteria, Mercedes and Rachel are laughing
and hugging as the friends they have become over the last two seasons, and Mercedes’
new bf Shane watches in disapproval. He immediately slips a wedge into their
relationship and cranks it wider with every word, going so far as to refer to
Rachel as Mercedes’ “arch-nemesis” and playing on Mercedes’
insecurities with, “You say you’re Beyonce, but on the inside you feel
like Effie White.”
I was prepared to like Shane, but you know what? No me
This morphs into Mercedes auditioning for the role of Maria
in West Side Story, in a black dress
that she was born to wear, her hair done up like a 40s Hollywood
movie star, singing Jennifer Hudson’s “Spotlight.” Not a fan of this
song, but she looked beautiful and her voice was lovely. And when the
co-directors were wildly applauding, she said, “I just wanted you to see
me as I see myself, as a leading lady.”
Rachel, watching from the wings, has “I’m totally
threatened” all over her face.
Mike and Tina are at their lockers, and he tells her he’s
not going to try out for West Side Story
as he’d planned, because his dad’s angry over his “Asian F.” Tina
tries to rally him, but it doesn’t seem to have worked.
Kurt is walking down the halls with Rachel handing out
campaign buttons. He says he’s happy that there are only two days left to
declare for senior class president, and so far only he and Brittany running.
Well, he’s running. She, he says, is just “whimsically hopping and
skipping nearby.” So wrong, Kurt. Even if Jacob’s “soft numbers”
have you ahead of Britt by 7 percent, you are totally doomed.
Brittany and Santana walk up. Britt asks for Rachel’s vote,
but she says she’s pledged her fidelity to Kurt.
“Oh, then you’re okay just flushing your vote down the
magical poop-stealing water chair?”
Santana points out the school has only had male student body
presidents, and that while “Kurt looks like Jimmy Fallon’s butch daughter,”
he is still a guy.
Now, you know I try very hard to get down every nuance,
every word, every throwaway line, every song lyric that could possibly have the
slightest relevance to our queer little AfterElton/AfterEllen world here. You
know I do. And I should be able to give you some kind of witty and insightful
account of what happens after Brittany
shares her campaign strategy with Kurt and Rachel.
But I can’t, because Heather Morris in thigh-highs and a
black leather mini-skirt dancing to Beyonce’s “Run the World (Girls)”
took away my power of speech and deprived me of access to my higher reasoning
abilities for, oh, about 20 minutes there. Or to quote AfterEllen’s own @dorothysnarker
on #gaysharks, “Quiet, universe. HEATHER MORRIS IS DANCING!”