“Glee” Episode 302 Recap: Kurt Hummel, Homo

 
 

Quinn and the Skanks are roughing up a girl in the restroom,
when Sue walks in.

“Skanks, I want to talk to that lady alone,” she
says, pointing at Quinn. They comply. Who wouldn’t?

Sue contemplates Quinn, who’s smoking. “First of all smoking
kills. Second, it really does make you look cooler, doesn’t it?”

Maybe not. Sue continues, “You’ve never looked worse.
You’ve lost your child, your boyfriend, your rep and worse, your high pony. You
know who I blame? The Glee Club.” Sue offers Quinn a chance to get revenge
on the show choir by starring in a video
about a day in the life of a girl from whom the arts stole everything.

Quinn agrees as long as Sue puts sofas down under the
bleachers for the Skanks. Apparently standing around smoking all day is hard on
the feet.

Kurt and Brittany are strategizing about his campaign in her
bedroom. It involves large amounts of glitter and sequins, a unicorn horn, a
Teletubby, the Pride flag, and a limitless array of iconic queer cultural
items, including ruby slippers. And did I mention Brittany is wearing the unicorn horn? This
is without question the most gay-packed scene in the history of television, and
I exempt nothing from this statement. Not even other shows or Glee episodes I’ve previously dubbed
“most gay ever.” This is the one.

Brittany
wants to plaster the school with hundreds of thousands of pink glittery posters
of Kurt, and hand out a swag bag full of gay goodies, which she calls ” Kurt
Hummel’s bulging pink fun sack.”

Kurt is not buying it. He thinks it’s just a tiny wee bit
too gay, for which his cure is “What becomes a legend most?” ads and
an anecdote about Judy Garland, because that’s not as gay as glitter and
unicorns.

Next, it looks like Shelby
and Puck might have been conspiring at some sort of intervention for
bad!but!hot!Quinn. Puck brings her in to see Shelby, and Quinn is shocked to see her.

Shelby’s
offering redemption in the form of letting Quinn be part of baby Beth’s life in
exchange for getting rid of the pink hair and bad girl routine. She tells Quinn
that she’s been searching for Rachel all her life, and doesn’t want Quinn to go
through the same thing. She wants her to be part of Beth’s life – but not like
this.

“You think you can tell me what to do just because you signed
a few papers?” Quinn says. “You’re not her mom. I’m her mom. That is
something you are never going to be.”

Quinn, Quinn, Quinn. Has the pink dye eaten your brain?

At Booty Camp, Mercedes is rebelling. She says she doesn’t
want to dance; she wants to just “park and bark,” where she wails on
the high notes and stands there while everyone dances around her.

We also learn that Blaine
is a junior. Allow me to take a moment to say a few things.

One, I don’t think so. That would mean Blaine was 15 when we met him, and I don’t
know about you, but I watched that “Teenage Dream” number and that
boy was not 15. And whence the mentor routine with Kurt if he was a year
younger? Wouldn’t they have mentioned that at some point? And what about the
previous season, when Blaine…

Okay, screw the continuity argument. I don’t want Blaine to be a junior because my heart is firmly set on
Kurt and Blaine moving to New York City together
with Rachel at the end of the season, and having Blaine still be on Glee with Kurt gone? No me gusta.

Blaine, who was obviously born to play Tony in West Side Story, says he’ll be trying
out for Bernardo or Office Krupke, as long as his hunny bunny is going to be
Tony. I feel the foreshadowing anvil of doom falling on me.

Rachel is practicing for her audition for the role of Maria,
and who should turn up but Shelby.
And just as Will predicted, Rachel freaks right out. But she and mom finally
bond over, of course, Rachel’s audition number.

“I played Maria eighteen times,” Shelby tells her, encouraging her to sing the
song “Somewhere” from the musical. Rachel says she was planning on
singing “I Feel Pretty,” and Shelby
tells her, “You’ll never be a star – or get the lead – if you play it
safe.”

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