The two guys go to the Glee Club, and Finn says, “We
need to help her. She’s overwhelmed, and she needs us to help her.”
“Seriously?” says Santana. “I’d like to put
the ‘fun’ back in ‘funeral’ as much as the next girl, but why would the Glee
Club help Coach Sylvester plan a service?”
It’s not for Sue, Kurt says. It’s for her sister. And Finn
says that Jean was just like them, outcasts and underdogs.
Then Jesse, who I can’t even listen to without wanting to
rip his heart out and feed it to wild animals while he watches, objects.
“Do you know what Vocal Adrenaline is doing right now?” he asks.
“They’re in their third week of 24-hour-a-day rehearsals…. Do you know
what happens in Vocal Adrenaline if someone dies during a performance? They use
them as a prop.”
But Finn puts his foot down, and says the club is doing
this. And they are.
Later in the hall, Will tells Sue he’s glad she reached out
to the Glee Club, but she says she didn’t; they volunteered, and she only
agreed on the condition that “Frankenteen and Lady Trousers” helped
her sort through Jean’s things.
Then it’s time for auditions for the lead slot at Nationals.
Will tells Jesse he’s still not sold on the process, and he doesn’t want any of
the kids to feel like losers.
Jesse assures him that’s an essential part of the process.
“I took a class at UCLA on judging reality TV shows,” he says.
“So I’m totally ready to give feedback that’s both blistering and totally
unhelpful.” I still hate him. I still find the way they’ve made him
unbelievably stupid to be, well, you know – unbelievable. But that was funny.
First up is Santana, who introduces herself saying, “My
name is Santana Lopez, and I’ll be singing Amy Winehouse’s ‘Back to
Black.’” And oh, my god. I mean. It would be totally unrealistic to expect
me to say anything coherent about this. Unless by coherent you mean, “Oh.
My god.” Repeated over and over.
But Jesse, of course, is not impressed, both because he’s a
complete idiot and because his sole purpose in doing this is to give the lead
to Rachel. He pretends to read his notes to her, even though we – and Mr. Schue
– can see he’s got nothing but a cat doodle on his notepad.
He tells Santana she didn’t go deeply enough into the
emotions of the song – wrong – and she says she has some feedback for him, too.
Mr. Schue tells her that’s enough, and she just says,
“I’m about to go all Lima
Heights,” and stalks
off stage. I really would have liked to see her rip Jesse St. Stupid into tiny
Kurt’s up next, and he announces he’ll be singing “Some
People” from Gypsy. Now, let me
spend a moment on his clothes.
He’s wearing the same awesome pants with skulls on them that
he wore last week when he was walking with Dave, paired with a great vest that
has an upside down U-shaped cutout in the back. I will pretend I don’t know
those pants are by Comme des Garçons Homme Plus and cost $550 retail. He’s also
wearing white Doc Martens, a white shirt, and what I think might be a tie with
skulls on it? I think I need a bigger television. But I am in love with Kurt’s
The song isn’t really my thing, but in the way of the
Broadway showstopper, he nailed it. He also did a little tushie-shaking
move that got the boys on #kurtrules all excited, and some nice acrobatics
of the non-vocal variety at the end of the song. A great performance that Jesse
St. Hateful didn’t care for. At all.
“Kurt,” he says, condescendingly. “You do
know that song was meant to be sung by a woman, right?”
“Yes, I’m aware,” Kurt says as if Jesse was an
idiot, as indeed, he is. “And the Glee Club kind of dealt with that whole
‘boy sings songs that are meant for girls’ thing. It’s kind of old news.”
“Then you must know that song was done to great fanfare
by Broadway legends such as Merman, Lupone, Bernadette – those are some awfully
big heels to fill, and I’m just not quite sure that you nailed it.”
Kurt gives him a look – you know the look I mean, right? –
and slowly, slowly, with his eyes never leaving Jesse’s face until the last
moment, he walks off the stage. Jesse is such a loser he doesn’t even know he’s