“Glee” Episode 215 Recap: “Everybody’s Got a Random!”

 
 

Lauren Zizes
accosts Puck at his locker, demanding he make a sex tape with her so she can
get famous. “I want to be like a Kardashian,” she tells him. “I
want a TV show and a fragrance. It will be called Zizes, and the slogan will
be, ‘You just got Zizesed.’”

She had Puck at sex tape, of course. He tells her that he’s
feeling a little light-headed, but if it means what he thinks it means, he’s
in.

“Wow,” she says as they walk off arm-in-arm,”
If your lovemaking prowess is as impressive as your skills of deduction, I’m in
for a wild night.”

The Warblers have invited their all-girls sister school to
test the sexiness of their new number, “Animals,” originally by the Neon Trees. I don’t know what the
original sounds like – I’ve never heard this song before. But “sexy”?
Ummm, nope.

Cute, however? Oh, yeah. Sweet, sweet Porcelain finally gets
to come out from the chorus line and sing a duet with Blaine in a performance,
and his dancing
and facial expressions
are sort of a combination of “Bad Romance”
hand gestures and Rachel Berry extreme emotion, plus, I don’t know… something
from a Village People concert? It’s hard to describe. Especially the end, when
he and Blaine get up on top of a scaffold and spray floods of white foam over
the Warblers and the screaming teeny-boppers. Yes, they went there.

After they’re done, two of the girls try to give Blaine their phone
number, and he says, “Sweet. But I’m not on your team.”

They flounce off, and he turns to Kurt, who has a scarf
wrapped around his throat and is combing his hair like a 30s movie star.
“Are you all right?”

Kurt says yes, so Blaine
asks about his weird facial expressions during the song.

“Those were my sexy faces,” Kurt says.

Blaine
says they looked more like gas pain, and Kurt explodes. “Great! How are we
supposed to get on the stage at Regionals and sell ‘sexy’ to the judges when I
have as much sex appeal and knowledge as a baby penguin?”

Oh sweet, sweet Penguin! Every time you open your mouth, I
want to adopt you.

Blaine
says, “We have to do something,” and if I hadn’t heard via infallible
sources, i.e., gossip on Twitter, that Blaine and Kurt don’t make any progress
as BFs instead of BFFs in this episode, I might have had some hope.

And then, wham, I found out why every lesbian on #gaysharks
was posting incoherent remarks like, “Britanna OMG are you serious I can’t
believe it!!!!!!!!” all evening. (Hey, I try not to look, but every time,
I succumb.)

Santana is doing Brittany’s
hair in what looks like a bedroom full of clothes. Brittany seems sad, and says, “I want
to talk to you about something. I really like when we make out. And
stuff.”

Santana leans down and says, “Which isn’t cheating
because…”

“The plumbing’s different,” Brittany finishes, in a way suggesting this
is something Santana says a lot. Not that Santana really seems that worried
about cheating, so I’m assuming this was how she got Brittany to sleep with her even though she
was dating Artie.

Then Brittany
goes on. “But when Artie and I are together, we talk about stuff. Like
feelings.”

Santana stops refreshing her lip gloss and stares at her.
“Why?”

“Because,” Brittany
says, suddenly seeming a little angry. “With feelings it’s better.”

“Are you kidding?” Santana says. “It’s better
when it doesn’t involve feelings. I think it’s better when it doesn’t involve
eye contact.”

“I don’t know,” Brittany says. “I guess I just don’t
now how I feel about us.”

“Let’s be clear here,” Santana says, hanging
something on a rack. “I’m not interested in any labels. Unless they’re on
something I shoplift.”

“I don’t know, Santana,” Brittany says. “I think we should talk
to somebody, like, an adult. This relationship is really confusing for
me.”

Breakfast is
confusing for you.”

“Well, sometimes it’s sweet, sometimes it’s
salty,” Brittany
objects. “What if I have eggs for dinner, what is it?”

Santana just stares at her, but it’s not her usual, “I
can’t believe you just said that” expression. It’s more like, “Okay,
I’m freaking out inside.”

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