Glee. Oh, Glee. These long months without you, and
now tonight you come back and make me watch football. Not just McKinley High
football, which at least is totally short and unrealistic, but real life
football, because I was afraid I’d miss the beginning of Glee so I tuned into the Super Bowl’s last ten minutes.
It’s the most football I’ve ever seen in my life. And I had
no idea they’d blah blah blah for so long when it was over.
I believe folkpants said it best on Twitter: “Too much
football. Not enough Kurt.” To which I’d add, not enough Santana.
Our sweet unrealistic little show opens with the much-leaked
Cheerios routine to Katy Perry’s “California Gurls,” with flaming
breast cones, fiery batons, stunt bike riding and blue wigs.
Which Sue finds
boring. Not even getting the Cheerios to shove chicken cutlets in their bras,
or slap each other with them, amuses her anymore.
Quinn tells her
that her problem is she’s got to find a way to top herself, and Sue nods
approvingly. “Q,” she says, “I think you may have hit on
I find it awesome that she calls Quinn “Q.” I keep
thinking Quinn will be able to know all and see all, like Q on Star Trek.
Then there’s football and Karofsky is queer-baiting Finn,
who queer-baits him back (“Funny how you’re always calling everybody gay
but I never see you with a girlfriend”). Then Karofsky lets the opposing
team do something that I didn’t understand, because I know nothing about
football. So I’ll let them summarize what happened in their own words:
What the hell happened? Finn, you’re the captain! TALK!
Finn: Karofsky sucks, that’s what happened!
Karofsky: That’s crap! Hudson’s a fricking girl and couldn’t take a
joke about his precious Glee Club.
Thanks for clearing that up, guys.
Coach Beiste throws them all out of the locker room, and
Finn storms into the shower. Then we cut to Sue, writing in her diary that the
raccoon hormones her new doctor gave her may be screwing her up, because she
just doesn’t feel anything anymore. Even getting a near-life-sized tattoo of
herself on her own back didn’t help.
So of course, she gets a cannon. The kind that blows not
confetti, but a human cannonball. It has, the guy who sells it to her says, a
70 percent chance of catastrophic failure.
“Which is a 30 percent chance of catastrophic success,”
Sue says. “I’ll take it.”
Then there’s an incredibly hard-to-watch scene of Karofsky
and his gang of goons slushying Artie.
It’s not that we haven’t seen Artie slushied before, or worse; we have. It’s
that those were all in the realm of “cartoon violence,” like Kurt handing Finn his designer jacket
before getting tossed in the dumpster last season. This was set up specifically
as the football players surrounding a kid in a wheelchair and ceremoniously
dousing him in blood-red slushy as an act of harassment. It was creepy.
Coach Beiste and Mr. Schu get together and try to figure
out how to fix the bitter war between the two camps on the football team. The
solution? To force the non-glee members of the football team to join the Glee Club
for one week.
However, the goon squad, led by Karofsky, strolls in to meet
Coach Beiste in the choir room just as the club sees what they did to Artie. Finn
says, “This ends now,” and starts to act all angry and macho, and a
fight’s about to break out when Beiste comes in and Mr. Shu announces that the
guys are joining Glee Club.
All hell breaks loose, with some objecting to letting the
guy who forced Kurt to transfer join the club, but Rachel puts it best: “There is no way I’m sharing the choir
room with a known homophobe.”