Rachel and Finn are at couples counseling with Emma, where Rachel seems to think the main problem is that Santana is hotter than she is. Then Emma suggests Rachel should storm out. So she does, in a very subdued fashion.
Artie rolls into a classroom and sees Brittany standing in a corner, back to the room. He is puzzled.
“I’m paralyzed with fear,” she tells him. “I’ve been here since second period. I really have to pee.”
Brittany is terrified that she’ll let New Directions down at Sectionals. “I can’t handle the pressure. I know I’m more talented than all of you. Britney Spears taught me that. It’s just… I can’t have whether we win or lose on my shoulders.”
Artie offers to let her use his magic comb, which will ensure she can’t lose. She calls him the best boyfriend ever. She kisses him. A thousand lesbians on Twitter suffer debilitating nausea and vomiting.
Meanwhile, Will is recruiting Puck to find them a member to replace Kurt, but Puck has not let go of Kurt’s absence. “Kurt’s gone,” Will says. “He’s not coming back.” (Will clearly does not have the same ability to see into the future that I do.) So Puck seals the deal with a fist bump.
Blaine catches up with Kurt on the stairway at Dalton Academy, and offers Kurt an audition for a solo at Sectionals as a consolation prize for getting shot down at the Warblers meeting.
Puck, who clearly does not have a well-developed sense of consequences, chooses the locker room for his glee club recruitment drive. Karofsky tries to shut him up, and Puck explodes.
“Don’t push me, Karofsky,” he says. “You forced my boy Kurt out of here, and juvie or no, you’re already first on my list to go all death star on.” (I would so pay to see that.)
Karofsky and his goon squad say they’re going to make an example out of Puck. “Not the face, not the face,” Puck yells as they swarm him.
The next day in the glee room, Santana’s wondering where Puck is. “I haven’t seen him since yesterday, and I need him to get me a chair.”
Mercedes wonders if he quit the club since Kurt left, and says that if they win, it will be because “we gave them Kurt.”
“If we lose,” says Brittany, “we should throw possums.”
Rachel comes in, a piece of duct tape ostentatiously over her mouth. She’s on a silence strike at losing her solo, which she breaks long enough to tell Mr. Schue he’s just threatened by her talent.
He goes off on her. “You have a terrible attitude, you’re a lousy sport, and it’s not okay anymore.”
Puck trails in, Lauren Zizes in tow. “I found him in the porta potty,” she says.
Flashback to his ordeal, pounding on the walls of the tipped-over john, shouting, “Buddha! Allah! Satan! Help me!” Apparently there are no atheists in foxholes and no Jews in porta-potties.
When after 24 hours Lauren pries open his plastic tomb, he gazes up at her. “Are you an angel?”
“Screw you,” she says, but gives him a reluctant hand out.
He asks her to join the glee club, and she agrees in exchange for some Cadbury eggs and “seven minutes in heaven with you.”
”I have to say, she kinda rocked my world,” Puck admits, to Santana’s obvious horror.
Rachel sees Santana blow a kiss towards Finn, and then Santana hisses at her, “Did I tell you he bought me dinner after?” (I recall her saying something like, “You’d better get me a cheeseburger now,” but I digress.)