“Glee” recap (5.14): The lost season 4 premiere

 
 

Previously on Glee, the alcoholic guardian angels of New Directions decided to set sail on a gay ol’ ship around the world, leaving the minstrels of McKinley High to fend for themselves against the laws of logic. Once Holly and April‘s curse was broken and time was restored, the tenth-year seniors of the glee club finally made the move to New York City, where Kurt‘s band was thriving and Rachel‘s Funny Girl was underway and Starchild was a bit of a sage and Santana and Brittany were welcome after their honeymoon. “Demi Lovato?” a reporter asked Ryan Murphy. “Demi Lovawho?” he replied.

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Many months after breaking free from the endless winter of Lima, Ohio, Artie and Sam and Blaine have arrived in New York City in the throes of a polar vortex. (Seriously, I feel so terrible for all these actors every time they do a number outside in this episode; it was March of the Penguins-levels of cold here the week they were filming.) Luckily for everyone, the producers of Funny Girl are so grateful for Rachel’s hard work in their out of town pre-opening tour that they’ve decided to give her a town car for personal use, all hours of the day and night. She rides through the city singing “Downtown” and meets the gang in Washington Square Park. They hug and are happy, even though they’re freezing their tits off.

Here are some things you knew about Blaine Warbler without ever being told: He’s an all-night cuddler, he sleeps in boxers and a tank top and puts on leather loafers when he wakes up, which always happens the moment the first rays of sunlight trickle through the window, so he can make gourmet in-bed breakfasts for Kurt. Lemon and blueberry pancakes? Check. Fresh-pressed coffee? Check. The Arts/Fashion section of the Sunday Chronicle on a Wednesday? Check. It’s kind of the most adorable thing that a guy who wins all the solos and scholarships and academic honors and show choir trophies without trying tries full-time to make Kurt so happy. He walks him to school, carries his books to class, meets him for lunch, cooks him dinner, presses his clothes, crawls into bed with him at night and does all the stuff you read on A03 but will never, ever see (apparently).

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Kurt wonders if they’re turning into a lesbian couple and Blaine laughs because they don’t have the same haircut yet, so no. They duet on “You Make Me Feel So Young” which involves delightful harmony and lots of waltzing and all the domestic things. Making the bed, picking out clothes, brushing their teeth, pillow fighting, grocery shopping, post-grocery shopping making out.

Well, almost. Sam bursts in and interrupts them before that last thing. It’s the final straw for Kurt. He tells Blaine that after months of couch-surfing, he’s got to kick out his bestie.

(I’ll bet you fifty American dollars that Kurt and Blaine touched and talked more in that five minutes than they have the rest of this whole season, combined. I think probably the reason they sent Brittany and Santana away this week after giving them two gloriously romantic episodes in a row is that if you combined all this and all that into a single hour of TV, marriage equality would suddenly just become legal in all the places in the all the world, simultaneously and without precursor, and an economic and quality-of-life boom with that global magnitude might knock the earth off its course around the sun.)

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Artie is wheeling through Union Square when he gets mugged by a guy on crutches. The Ryan Murphy Special: minority on minority crime. He shouts for the guy to come back, that his laptop is in there, but it doesn’t work.

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