“Glee” recap (5.06): High School Bitches

 
 

New York, New York

After teleporting to Bushwick, Sam and Blaine follow Santana and Rachel and Kurt over to the Starlight Diner for some grilled cheese sandwiches and singing and dancing. Kurt gave them solid sightseeing advice, but they mostly visited campus visits all day. NYU and Columbia—because of course one of Blaine’s safety schools is an Ivy. Kurt says Blaine doesn’t need a backup plan because he’s the greatest singer in all the lands, and then he stands up on stage and says the same thing to everyone in the restaurant: “Now, you may not know the name Blaine Anderson yet, but you will soon when it’s lit up all over Broadway!”

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Blaine performs “Piano Man” with Sam on harmonica, and everyone dances around the diner with candles, which seems dangerous and terrifying, to be honest. The crowd loves him. They cheer and cheer. Kurt rushes the stage and kisses Blaine full on the mouth with so much passion and pride. Heh. Jokes. Kurt stands on top of a counter, 500 feet away, and whoops and hollers in Blaine’s general direction.

Sam’s college interview does not go so well. He explains that he wants to study feminism because he supports women taking off their shirts and eating Cheerios off the floor, and when his interviewer doesn’t respond favorably to that for some reason, he gets even more nervous and starts babbling about how he loves diversity and has this black lady ever heard of Mercedes Jones? Maybe he should have tried to do an impression of someone being composed during an interview or something. Back at the loft, he reveals his secret dream to Rachel: He really wants to be a male model so he can sit on a bench and watch buses drive by with splash photos of him in his underwear, his “junk as big as a car.” Dreams are dreams, even car-sized junk dreams, so Rachel feeds Sam some dinner and sets up an impromptu photo shoot for him with a Funny Girl photographer.

He’s a businessman! He’s a cowboy! He’s an underwear model! He don’t need no Channing Tatum Former Male Stripper Grant!

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Sam’s photos land him a meeting with the Bichette (Bee-shay?) Agency, headed by Tyra Banks, who is impressed by the fact that Sam’s “Midwestern eyes have the vacant stare of a cow’s.” She doesn’t have any of those on her roster, and if he loses 10-pounds—”You think I’m fat?” “Not in Kansas.”—she’ll be happy to sign him up for runway shows.

What about Blaine’s big audition? Weeelll, he kind of balks at it, telling Kurt with a sort of wide-eyed mania that maybe he wants to be either the worst thing in the world, another Mr. Schue, or something more legitimately noble, like a doctor, because when he was little, he loved to play Operation. Kurt pauses his inventory of Blaine’s traveling wardrobe (“For your audition let’s try to avoid shocking patterns and anything that says ‘Look at me, I’m the center of attention, and this primary color proves it!’”) and says he gets it, gets how Blaine is freaking out about moving to the most terrifying city in the world to pursue his greatest loves, but that he can’t shy away from his greatness because he’s afraid. And then Kurt Hummel says the sexist thing: “I can’t stop you from failing, but I can promise to make it safe if you do.”

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A girl said that to me one time and I made out with her like, just, yeah, it’s none of your business, but whoo boy. That’s what Kurt and Blaine do too. Then they make out so very — wait, no. Another brother-hug.

Blaine’s audition happens off-screen, but we can be sure he nailed it. And as a thank you to the Hummelpezberry loft for hosting them, Blaine buys them a whole piano. Santana rolls her eyes, says, “I’m not gonna be able to survive if you and your Hagberry are gonna be tickling those ivories, belting out gay hits from Rent and Showboat all day!” But she returns with a hairbrush-microphone to belt out “Just the Way Your Are” with them. Rachel and Sam share a moment, and I love Sam, I do. I’ve nearly been beaten to death by mobs of angry lesbians for loving Sam. But Glee, listen to me when I tell you this: IT’S TOO SOON. Santana makes a face to beat all faces, and the song rolls on.

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Psst, Fox, this right here is the show you are looking for. Not the Rachel/Sam thing. But the rest of it. This is it.

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Next week: Puppets!

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