“Gimme Sugar: Miami” mini-cap 2.4: “Rock Bottom”

When we last left Miami, Jazmin hallucinated that Charlene was hot to trot for her girlfriend, Gaby, Hilary began to wonder if she needs Jazmin in her life, no one showed up for the Truck Stop dancer auditions and Charlene pissed off the one promoter in town who can make or break her. Also, Davonee warned Charlene to stop messing around with lesbian drama and get to work. Davonee as the voice of reason — did you feel that? Hell just froze over.

Today, Charlene is rehearsing a motley crew of waitresses slash dancers that she’s cobbled together from who-know-where. As she sips her morning java, the tramptastic group give Char their version of a show.

This is what rugby looks like in my dreams.

I’m not quite sure what’s going on here, but it seems this lady is also playing charades.

Two syllables, sounds like “slow bob.”

Davonee strolls in after a hard morning of street flirting while handing out Truck Stop flyers, takes one look at the hot mess in front of her, and promptly goes blind.

Davonee: Ugh. What’s up with these dancers? It’s like cheap porn. You want the crowd to like them, like, fall in love with them. Not like, “Oh my God, I could be home watching porn or something on TV.”

Char: You’re ridiculous right now.

Davonee: I’m being honest, Char. They have like, one chance. This is the first night, this weekend.

Char: You have your opinion and that’s fine.

Davonee says Char has gotten too close to the dancing girls and wonders if she can still see their flaws. I’d worry she needs some penicillin.

Later, Linda logs on for a webcam chat with Charlene but it’s Davonee who’s sitting at the computer. Linda still doesn’t know Davonee is in Miami. Busted! I mean, “Surprise!” Linda is not a happy camper.

Charlene is off flat ironing her hair, so Linda tells Davonee to tell Char that if she doesn’t get her act together, they’re going to pull the whole event. That’s not going to happen, because I don’t have that kind of luck.

When Charlene finds out Linda wants to be called back immediately, she does what any mature, responsible employee who’s been entrusted with a large project would do: She gets on the horn with Maisi.

Maisi warns Charlene of yet another looming problem. Her nemesis, Alison, the local lesbian event promoter, has her granny pants in a bunch because Charlene blew into town to set up an event and didn’t call to say there’s a new sheriff in town. Maisi advises Charlene she’d better work that out before there’s a lesbian rumble in the streets. Makes sense. Charlene rolls her eyes belligerently. Oh honey. Have you taken a good look at Alison? It was nice knowing you.

Elsewhere, Hilary is slouched behind the wheel of her car, vlogging about her frienemy, Jazmin. Hilary has shot her show from her bed, in the reflection of the bathroom mirror, and now her car. Someone please rent this nice girl a set.

She goes to meet her Gaby to talk about Jazmin. It’s tough when you don’t like your friends’ girlfriends. They never want to hear it and you can’t win, espesh if you’re right. In her oddly smoky, cute voice, Hilary tells Gaby she’s not sure if she can be friends with Jazmin anymore. Gaby doesn’t know what to say because she’s too busy channeling Amy Winehouse.

Later, Charlene finally goes to meet with Alison and her business partner, who are doing a low-level boil over this interloper from LA. Alison says she’s been in the business for 10 years and worked really hard with the other promoters to not step on each other’s toes. Charlene could not be more bored if Alison was reciting from the Miami Chamber of Commerce directory.

Alison: I don’t know how it is in LA, but that’s how it is down here.

Charlene: That’s how you guys work and we work very differently, especially with Fuse Events. We keep things very discreet. I wanted to start the event here to bring community and support and just bring all the girls together for a great, big party.

Alison: How do you want the community to come together, if you’re not reaching out to the entire community?

Charlene: I have been reaching out, I have checked out the lesbian scene, and it’s really quiet. Either it’s the economy or it could be the events or —

Alison: That’s really disrespectful.

Oh snap. Do you really want to piss off this woman?

Alison asks how Charlene plans on having “everyone come together” when she won’t call the other promoters to coordinate with them. Charlene says dismissively, “I don’t have time for that.” Well, who does, what, with all the clubbing, sleeping and hiding from Linda? It’s a wonder Charlene has time to check her awesome, asymmetrical ‘do.

Back at the lesbian dream house in the sky, Charlene gets some face time, via her laptop, with her BFF from home, Alex. Charlene lets Davonee and her baby buds say hello.

Alex asks what the hell is going on — word of Charlene’s amazing work ethic has spread all the way back to LA. Charlene claims partying and drinking and paddling around in the warm cesspool of lesbian drama is like, ya know, research. Alex tells Charlene to get to work. At some point, if enough people are saying the same thing, you have to start listening to the chorus. Charlene chooses to be tone-deaf. She tells Alex she misses her and starts to cry. Again.

It’s nighttime and Hilary, Charlene and Davonee are lying around in Charlene’s bed. Suddenly, they hear someone at the door. Knock, knock. Who’s there? Erin. Erin who? Erin your head if you think Truck Stop is going to happen all by itself.

Char’s coffee date, Erin has come by with beer and flowers (I think I love her) to tell Charlene to buck up, little buckaroo. Hilary and Davonee quickly hightail it out of there to let Charlene make “sexy time.” Alone on the couch, Erin asks how Charlene can possibly be single when she’s Big Shot Truck Stop Lady, and more importantly, out on the scene all the time? Is there anyone in America who doesn’t know Charlene’s been partying too much?

Charlene says her standards are high and next girl is going to be a keeper. Erin reveals she’s been dating someone else but it’s not going well. “I feel like I try to be there for other people but when am I going to be there for myself?” She starts to cry. Dear God. Is everyone on this show one revelation from hot, sad tears? They hug it out.

Davonee is on the phone with someone. “What are you doing here?” she whispers. Davonee goes to the door. It’s Alex! Alex finds Charlene where you can always find Charlene: in bed.

The happy reunion is put on hold because Linda has finally caught up with Charlene. She wants to talk. Gulp. “You’re making decisions outside of Michelle and I,” Linda warns her. She tells Charlene that Alison dropped a dime on her and Linda knows everything. Michelle gets on the line and calls Charlene on her s–t. After reminding Charlene she’s promised them lots of things but hasn’t shown them anything, they pull the plug on Truck Stop: Miami.

Michelle tells Charlene, the human unicorn, it’s time to come home.

Next week: They try to make Gaby Winehouse go to fashion rehab, but she says, “No, no, no.” Davonee opens a tattoo parlor, Hilary vlogs from the top of a palm tree and Charlene does some more crying. Oh, Angel, where are you?

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