“Gimme Sugar: Miami” mini-cap 2.3: “The Tough Get Tougher”

Back from her camping trip, Charlene is putting in a full morning’s work. She’s made a bunch of phone calls, posted an online ad for dancer auditions, and updated her Facebook. Phew, exhausting. Someone needs some R &R, so it’s off to a coffee date with a girl named Erin, one of Maisi’s friends.

Erin and Charlene take their coffees, find a nice spot on the beach and get to know each other. To go with their coffee, Erin’s also brought some cheesecake. This girl knows how to make a good first impression. The meeting consists of the usual first date elements: a little about themselves, shared interests, nervous laughter and jazz hands.

After agreeing to have dinner someday, Erin and Charlene part ways – Erin presumably runs off to text Maisi every last detail of the date, while Charlene heads over to a dance studio to audition dancers for Truck Stop: Miami. Hilary and Davonee are waiting there for her.

Charlene predicts, “Based on my calls, I’m expecting about a hundred girls to audition.”

Inside, they meet Ruben, their new choreographer. He has great ideas about adding a little Latin spice to the street moves that the Truck Stop Girlz are known for. Meanwhile, Davonee keeps her shades on to avoid being mistaken for Maddox Jolie-Pitt. Again.

Charlene is liking Ruben’s creative vision, and can’t wait to see the legion of dancers who are undoubtedly waiting outside to try out. Unfortunately, Charlene’s audition calls were made a mere two hours ago, and Miami’s hottest bar and pole dancers are still sleeping, at Pilates, or posting bail.

Three girls answered the ad.

Maisi and Gaby show up to lend their support and ogle some sexy dancers, but there’s nothing to see. Maybe Maisi can do her belly-dancing routine and Angel can do her drag king act, instead.

Linda and Michelle are going to have a cow.

Sure enough, when Charlene tells her bosses the audition was a flop, Michelle demands to know what happened, while Linda’s face turns to stone.

Charlene starts to cry (Linda’s look would reduce me to tears, too) and assures them both she’s going to step up her game and do whatever it takes to get things going. Yup, she sure will. Just as soon as she gets back from a night out with the girls.

Wrapped in towels and pimp-primping, Char and Maddox dish about their new Miami friends.

Davonee: As far as the girls go? Ugh. Jazmin — fake, fake, fake, and… fake. And she’s just one of those girls that just crawls under my skin.

Charlene: Well, whatever that you think of her, I don’t care. ‘Cause, ya know, the first time I met her, she’s been hello, cool.

Davonee: I know you want to make friends here, and stuff like that, but I feel like you’re being too nice … You’re here to get this club started.

Charlene defends herself with the argument that she has to make friends, so they’ll show up at her awesome new club night. Is that how it’s done? Well then, she better go out and make about 595 more friends, pronto. “It’s your ass on the line, not mine,” Davonee warns.

In the pursuit of new friends, Charlene and Davonee attend an “art show,” hosted by the self-proclaimed, “King of Miami,” Omar, and featuring the lens stylings of in-what-universe-do-you-deserve-an-art-show photography student and shopping aficionado, Maisi. Be sure to check out

Omar’s next event: a festival of films by people who post things on YouTube.

Char asks for the mic. Oh no. She’s going to do that “Laaaaddiessssss!” thing she likes to do so much back home. But no, gentle viewers, we are spared. Instead, she intro’s herself, thanks Omar for his hospitality, and then proceeds to invite everyone to Truck Stop: Miami.

Everyone cheers, even though they all look straight and have no idea what event Charlene is talking about. They just like being invited to things. Everyone’s smiling. Everyone except this woman:

Meet Alison, the lesbian event promoter for Miami. Girl, you just got Denbo’d.

Alison drags Omar into the kitchen and lets him have it: “Omar, I gotta tell you. That wasn’t cool. This is our house. We’re the promoters, right? Why would you have somebody do a shout-out for a women’s event?”

Omar gets an earful from Alison about the “promoter code” while his ovaries shrink.

Alison: How can she come to town and not even give me a call, at least give me a heads up … If she has a party the same night as me, and half the people go to my party, and half the people go to her party, both parties suck. It sucks for her, it sucks for me, it sucks for the crowd.

You know what also sucks? Jazmin. The girls are sitting around in their Forever 21s, drinking after the “art show” when, out of the blue, Jazmin asks Charlene, “What’s up with Gaby? I’ve been watching you, girl.” Char smiles until she realizes Jazmin is saying she’s hot for Gaby, her girlfriend.

Charlene’s jaw drops. What the what? Then, it gets weirder. For no reason I can think of, Jazmin shares her inner dialogue with everyone: “Does it bother me that she likes Gaby? No. I’m a confident woman. Jazmin rocks. I love Jazmin. I love Jazmin so much. And I give myself so much value, that I would never be jealous. Because whoever leaves me is stupid.”

Davonee gets confused, Gaby goes conveniently deaf, and Maisi eyes bug out of her head. Everyone, including Gaby, splits, leaving Jazmin alone with her favorite person. This confirms my theory that in the absence of drama, some lesbians just make s–t up. And are insane.

Charlene and company find Hilary, Angel, and the rest of the girls sitting out something called Halo. They rehash Jazmin’s mysterious accusation, which doesn’t sit well with Hilary, Gaby’s friend. Round 2: Jazmin maintains her position that she doesn’t care about something where there’s nothing to care about, Charlene reiterates she’s never looked at Gaby’s ass, and Hilary does what any young lesbian in her position would do. She immediately goes home to vlog about it.

The next morning, Charlene meets with Omar for a sit down, Godfather-style. He tells her he has a friend, let’s call her, oh, I don’t know, Alison, and “she’s not happy” and Charlene needs to “make it good with her.” Later that night, Charlene is going to wake up with a horse’s head in her bed. But because Alison is a lesbian, the horse’s head will be made of tofu.

Elsewhere, two other, much cuter consiglieres are sitting down to discuss the Char-Alison situation, and separately, whether Jazmin needs to be whacked. “Why would she call Char out like that in front of a bunch of people?” Hilary asks. “I don’t think she’s a good person.”

Maisi tells Hilary to tell Charlene to make peace with Alison. She then tells Hilary to make up with Jazmin.

Wise beyond her years, Hilary says yes to the Charlene chat, and no, you can’t talk to crazy. Other things you can’t do with crazy: text, add to your MySpace, bring to weddings, give your address to, and most of all, sleep with. Let my life serve as a warning to others.

Next week: Davonee and Char try to rise above the drama but get sucked back in like a South Beach rip tide.

U.S. readers can watch the episode on logoonline.com.

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