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“Gimme Sugar: Miami” mini-cap 2.2: “Mother Nature”

It’s morning in Miami. Well, it’s actually afternoon, but when you’re Charlene and your job is to hang out in lesbian clubs, dancing, smoking and drinking your face off, you tend to miss The Today Show. To make matters worse, Char is in Miami, but soon finds out that the Miami scene is located an hour away in Ft. Lauderdale. Other geographic disappointments: The NY Giants’ stadium is actually in New Jersey, nobody’s really “in da house,” and your girlfriend is texting you from Las Vegas.

New housemate and vlogger, Hilary, wakes Char up by sticking a video camera in her face — next week’s episode is about drooling. Char eats leftover hot wings and Hilary chooses one hard-boiled egg for breakfast, which explains why these two roomies will never be sharing clothes.

Sitting in their super-fabulous breakfast nook, Hilary invites Char to her birthday dinner. Then it’s off to the bathroom for a few hours of flat-ironing.

The doorbell rings. Who could it be? Hilary opens the door to find Davonee, Char’s Truck Stop cohort from LA, standing there with a bag and a grin. Char flies out of the bathroom at the sound of Davonee’s voice, and starts jumping around excitedly at the sight of her.

Char asks Davonee how long she plans on staying. Davonee says vaguely, “I dunno,” as Hilary looks on with mild horror. The gaysian reunion is cut short, because responsible Hilary tells them they’re late for dinner.

At the restaurant, Jazmin, Angel and Bonnie are there to celebrate with Hilary, Char and Davonee. Jazmin and Davonee size each other up in that way lesbians do that reminds me of dogs sniffing each other’s butts. No one’s wildly impressed.

Gaby and Maizi are elsewhere, presumably getting cornrows and skin cancer check-ups, or whatever it is girls do in tropical climates. Char meets a Miami club promoter named, Omar, who hands her an over-sized club flyer featuring fonts for the visually impaired.

Omar’s face curdles when he learns that Char is also a promoter who plans on taking Miami Beach’s lesbian scene by storm. Considering there is no lesbian scene in Miami, I don’t know why he’s so worried.

Meanwhile, Jazmin announces she’s a vegetarian, and hey, who put all this bacon on her plate? Davonee gladly devours all of her unwanted pork with a gusto normally reserved for competitive eating contests, and then proceeds to throw a tomato on Hilary’s birthday cake. That would be her idea of funny.

After Jazmin gets annoyed and leaves, Davonee mutters, “Vegetarians, my ass,” and informs Hilary, “I’m sorry, but honestly? Your friend — she’s stupid.” If you like show-offy, 10-year-old boys with limited vocabs, then Davonee is the girl for you.

Back at the house, Jazmin and Davonee get into it again, while Angel and her formerly hetero girlfriend, Bonnie, Char and Hilary squirm, yet hang on every word. Drama is awesome when it’s not your own.

Davonee: The way you act, to be honest, you’re just like, really fake.

Jazmin: I think you’re, like, not worth my time.

Char: You both don’t know each other at all.

Hilary: [diplomatically] I was just gonna say let’s get up early. I say we should just call it an evening.

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