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“America’s Next Top Model” Recap (18.2): Mommie Careerist

Welcome back!

Are you smizing? I’m smizing. An Amurrican (Seymone) won last week, so instead of properly sizing her up as competition, Laura is chanting U!S!A! U!S!A! Once again, Laura, I must remind you that you as a member of Team LezBiModel are representing all of us, so you need to stop that.

I don’t mind telling you guys: Between her behavior in the confessionals and her announcement last week that she likes to get drunk and get naked, I’m a little worried that Laura might have a touch of The Cray Cray.

Seymone won best photo over women who have a lot more modeling experience, so she’s happy. She’s also happy with a big box of clothes she seems to have won for the Americans.

The UK girls are hacked off about Seymone’s win, so they’re strategizing. Sophie is pissed that there were five Brits in the bottom last week — she feels that did not adequately reflect their talents. Sophie also notes that she came in second in her Britain’s Next Top Model cycle (they call them cycles over there too!), and she’s eager to crack the American market, so watch out.

On the other hand, it’s possible that the Brits are just on edge because some decorator put a teddy bear in their room that has “SMIZE” on its T-shirt. Whatever the cause, they’re forming an alliance, which, OK, it’s a good thought, but since Tyra already divided them up into teams is just the teeniest bit redundant. I’m also not entirely sure how you work to pick off the American models one by one when it all comes down to Tyra picking the one great shot out of 100 because she likes you or the one in mid-sneeze because you mentioned reading a book once and now she feels threatened.

Mariah (US) is Native American and — Uh-oh — knows some history. That is NO WAY to get ahead on this show, young lady! To make up for the unusual burst of historic perspective, Mariah has some interpretation issues. She blames the massacre of Native Americans on the British, since they’re the ones who came over and started grabbing land, and says she’ll take care of it if these new Brits “bring any drama.”

Mariah doesn’t seem to connect with the fact that the current members of the British team are current members of the British team because they are descendents of people who didn’t colonize America. On the other hand, some ANTM art director made Mariah dress up as Pocahontas and jump around on trampolines with a terrible John Lennon last week, so she pretty much gets a free pass to say whatever the hell she wants.

But there’s no time to think about history because…

Fake News Report!

The fake news says Tyra’s cell phone has been hacked and e-mails about this cycle makeovers have been leaked “worldwide.” Sophie is so psyched for makeovers that she’s jumping up and down. Me too!

Annaliese (UK) puts on her serious face gamely acts like hacking and distributing ANTM makeover spoiler e-mails is a real thing and only starts to lose it at the very end. Good for you, Annaliese. You’ll do fine as long as the judges don’t decide you’re funny. Then you’re screwed.

Anyway, we’re seeing a fascinating phenomenon at work here. You may be familiar with the Red Queen hypothesis of natural selection, named after the Red Queen’s statement in Through the Looking Glass that it takes all the running you can do just to stay in one place. (Yes, I know this is a Top Model recap. Stay with me!)

The general idea is that predators and prey are in a constant arms race. Birds evolve to see bugs better, so bugs develop the capability of burrowing into tree bark to hide, so birds develop ridiculously hard beaks to crack the tree bark, so bugs develop tactical nuclear weapons. (Eventually.)

I’ve noticed that this is happening (at a gradual, evolutionary pace) on Top Model. The producers know that models flipping out and crying during Makeover Week is their bread and butter, so they escalate the drastic hairdos. But the girls have figured out that whoever pitches a fit during Makeover Week is likely to get kicked off, so for several cycles now they have learned to steel themselves for weeks ahead of time, practice giving fake-cheery interviews about how they always wanted a mullet, and Spackle their tear ducts shut.

So now the producers try to find ways to make the models crack under the pre-makeover anxiety, such as releasing the plans for drastic hairbombs beforehand and making them wonder who will get the asymmetrical weave death sentence.

(Um, also, aren’t they just copying a prank from a few seasons cycles ago, when some of the models planted a fake makeover list in the house to spread hilarious panic and chaos? Fallen genius models of yesteryear, I salute you. And I hope you were compensated for the use of your intellectual property.)

Anyway, the list mentions dangerous new things like pink hair and half-shaved heads, and also things like “extra-long weave,” which is every season.

The Interviews While Wearing Concealing Headgear, a perennial favorite of Makeover Week, begin. Evidently the makeovers don’t work the same way across the pond, because Louise (UK) has already made the disastrous tactical error of saying the one thing she doesn’t want, which is to have her long hair cut off. Oh, Louise.

Mariah, wearing a magnificent Rhoda Morgenstern headscarf, says that long hair is part of her tradition and culture, so she’s not cool with getting it cut off. Whereupon they show a clip of Alisha (UK) in her confessional noting that Mariah is Native American, and saying that she doesn’t think they have Native Americans in Britain, or “if they do, they’re on the lowdown.” Hee.

Let’s go to the salon!

They go to “the famed Sally Hershberger salon,” which, OK. Then, because so far the models are winning the makeover torment arms race, Jay announces that they’re getting such drastic makeovers that they’re really “shakeovers!” Excuse me, Mr. Jay. Is anyone getting new corneas shaped like cat’s eyes or a good old-fashioned safety pin through the cheek? Then settle down.

Annaliese once again hits camera just the way they want her to and reports that dutifully regurgitates that the makeovers are “fierce, fabulous, and freaky-deaky” almost like she believes it. She’s going to go far, that one. The Fierce is strong in her.

Laura is going to get “red, white, and blue hair,” which turns out to actually be white-blonde hair with red and blue clip-ins. Well, hell, Tyra, you’re never going to get them to cry if they can just take the wild stuff out. Step it up, woman!

Sophie is getting her blonde bob dyed pink, and she’s psyched. I hope this time around they’ll actually spend money to maintain the models’ new ‘dos instead of just letting them gradually get more washed out and bedraggled like most cycles.

AzMarie (US, Team LezBiModel) gets ANTM shaved into her head. Well, fine. That will last all of 6 days. Azmarie has sussed out that very fact, so she’s pretty happy. She’s been a good sport and gets her normal head back easily. She also has the quickest style, so she starts washing the other girls’ hair, leaning way over the supine girls and easily joking with them while massaging their scalps. Wow. AzMarie has the moves.

Mariah gets a hair wash and some strange new feelings.

Remember Louise, who just didn’t want to get her hair cut short? She gets — Say it with me, everyone! — a boyish blunt cut. Louise is an actual working model back home and she knows her market and she haaaaates this idea.

Well played, producers. Instead of going for a scattershot approach, they seem to have zeroed in on their most likely fit-pitching target, peeling her off and isolating her while the rest of the herd runs free.

Sally Hershberger pulls the I’m-a-famous-stylist thing, which I would advise against. I’m willing to believe that in a room full of trained stylists “I’m Sally Hershberger” means something, but if you’re just someone who’s watching the show to see models fall down, it doesn’t sound any more impressive or less petulant than the model doing the balking.

The stylist apparently just goes ahead and cuts off the back of Louise’s hair, so she retreats into a forced haircut trance. Can Louise hear us when we talk about her? We may never know.

Seymone is more philosophical. She’s the sacrificial weave girl this season, and she ends up looking good.

AzMarie is WORKING it at the sinks. She heads over to rinse Laura and Team LezBiModel flirts it up. Good on you, ladies.

Annaleise is getting big volume. She can handle it, and looks fine.

Mr. Jay tells Catherine that she’s going full-on magenta. For just a nanosecond she makes a horrorface, but the Spackle in her tear ducts holds.

Alisha is the one who ends up with one side shaved and extensions on other. She’s really happy, because now she says she has a feminine side and a masculine side, and that makes her a “triple threat.” I love her. I will just note that while Alisha is admiring her hair, AzMarie is next to her, touching it. She is superhuman.

Scottish Ashley looks cute. Which would be the case if they made her balance a tank of leeches on her head, but still.

Oh, dear, Kyle (US) has been sent to Bang City. No, no, not AzMarie’s room. I’m talking about Kyle’s haircut. (For now.)

Candace looks lovely with long extensions, and Mariah has the same bangs as Kyle.

Laura is happy with her red and blue clip ins, and actually looks pretty cute. Sophie’s pink cut is also a success. She reports, “It’s like a little cotton candy head. Everyone keeps saying they want to eat me.”

I’m going to put that remark down right here and walk briskly away from it.

Eboni (US) got burned on her face with a curling iron. Yeowtch! It’s a real mark, and it is on her face, so as a model she’s a little bit concerned. It’s distracting her from the fact that she got the Young Tyra makeover, which means she’s going to be rocketing to the top. Stay strong, Eboni!

Meanwhile, the producers couldn’t make Louise cry with the short cut, so they tell her they need to go a few shades darker with her hair, which was the other thing she said she didn’t want to do. ANTM, red in tooth and claw.

By the way, all of the interviews are happening on the “makeover cam,” which is the same thing as when they talk to the camera ever other time, only it’s at the salon. Thanks, Tyra!

Sophie’s eyebrows have been bleached away, but she’s happy with her look and she feels so free that she dances with AzMarie. GOOD LORD, WOMAN. When you open AzMarie’s front door, a thousand toasters fall out.

Louise has finally realized that she’s the gazelle in this scenario and is making one last-ditch effort to lash out with her horns. Her fellow models sense the danger and no one wants to be her friend now. Aww.

Louise gives up and goes darker. And I guess in the end, props go to Ms. Hershberger — Louise looks like a stunning tomboy with her new cut. Louise realizes it too and says she’s more powerful. Tell it to AzMarie.

Back in the house!

The Brits worry about another one going home. Sophie furrows where her eyebrows used to be. They strategize, or, more accurately, talk about how they should strategize. Sophie says she’ll do anything to keep the Amercians from getting a good photo. Wicked Sophie! And yet so appealing!

And then for no reason whatsoever, there is a food challenge! There is a table of American food and a table of UK food! And each team has to eat the other’s food! It’s the stupidest thing we’ve seen in… OK, well, since last week.

For some reason, they’re cagey about showing a full list of what’s on each table. In my opinion, it’s because the Brits have a distinct advantage. From what I can gather from scrolling and peering, the lineup is:

US food

Pig’s feet

Corn on the cob

Peanut butter

Grits

Chitterlings

Spam

UK food

Blood pudding

Haggis

Marmite

Sardines

Cockles

Seriously? The Brits get peanut butter and TWO harmless corn products?

Everyone dives in, and we are treated to an uncomfortable montage of models retching. Way to be aware of your industry’s stereotypes, Tyra!

Eboni leans in and licks Marmite straight off a plate.

Seymone is the champ for the US team, charging ahead and downing nearly a whole haggis by herself. The Brits try to throw her off her stride by shouting about what’s in haggis, but they’re too late. The time to put someone off a haggis is before she bites in, while she’s still wondering what’s with the grey.

Someone does make a great attempt by pointing at Ashley and shouting “She’s from Scotland and she won’t even eat it!”

Still, the Americans win. Must have been the pigs’ feet?

There are no consequences or rewards to this food challenge. None.

Except that Seymone feels sick and she’s pissed because Candace is joking around as though people wanted some of Seymone’s haggis, which they clearly did not, but Simone doesn’t get the joke and the Americans have a screaming match while the Brits think this whole strategizing thing might be easier than they thought.

Tyra Mail!

For some reason, this Tyra Mail has a photo of Tyra. She is holding a pair of shoes on her head, with the heels coming out of her head like antlers. WHY? What does that have to do with mail? Does Tyra think moose bring it? Anyway, the mail:

Feeling like a kid again? I know you’re thinking what I was thinking: “Please let there be goats, please let there be goats, please let there be goats…”

The models think they will be working with human children, and oh, GOD, Ashely is adorable. She says kids like her, except some don’t, and then gets a teeny bit frowny and says she doesn’t know why.

Photo shoot time!

Oh, gross. In walks the woman who spawned and marketed the K*rd*shi*n family, the scourge of our generation. I will not participate in their quest to put their names on everything. That is my line.

The models freak out when Kris J*enner, Mother of K*rd*shi*ns, walk in. They act like she’s BeyoncĂ© or Hillary Clinton. Or, you know, a decent, worthwhile human being. Personally, I’d rather have the haggis come back.

Annaliese calls her the “ultimate momager.” Thin ice, Annaliese.

Mr. Jay calls Kris “the queen of marketing,” and acts like what she has turned her three eldest daughters into is totally acceptable instead of the breaking of numerous seals mentioned in The Revelation.

Why is Kris here today? To start the process of replacing the blood of her remaining two daughters with Midori, swag, and glitter. These daughters appear to be too young to take shots at, so I will just say this: Run, daughters, run!

(Somehow Dancing with the Stars also-ran and K*rd*shi*n son Rob is not mentioned. Heh.)

So the theme of today’s shoot is that the models — grown women — are playing toddlers, specifically, Kris J*nner’s children. Because grown, sexually mature women dressed up as toddlers is very nearly as awesome as toddlers made up like sexually mature women! Let’s keep conflating those things!

We’re also working this theme because Mr. Jay thinks believes that when you think “good mom,” you think of Kris J*nner. Because of the way she “supports” her daughter’s careers, duh.

I would like to take this moment to thank my mom for supporting my career by reading everything I write, even when I beg her not to. And for not supporting my career by scheduling me for a Playboy shoot, which I seem to recall is a handy service that J*nner has done for her daughter. Ah, well. To each her childrearing techniques.

Anyway, the J*nner daughters that are still getting the Island of Doctor Moreau treatment are in the shoot too, in that they stand very still while dressed like Wednesday Addams.

It is the most awful, cluttered shoot they have done in a long time. There’s Kris, and the models (paired or in trios again. WHY?) and the daughters, and then toys and a big Gacy clown, and sometimes a crib or a rocking horse and some giant blocks and none of the colors make sense and it’s horrible.

I am wordsy, people. Every morning my left brain wakes up first and tries to smother my right brain with the pillow so it can store some more books in that wasted space. If I can tell that the art direction for your shoot is a cluttered, unholy mess, you have got one broke-ass shoot on your hands.

Think of me as your mineshaft canary of catastrophic design. Anyway, get the hell out of that studio!

Another problem is that the models are in make up and not-really-toddler outfits, and they’re being asked to pose like toddlers, and then and only then, when everything is all set up, do Mr. Jay and the photographer notice that this idea tipped over into queasily inappropriate territory a long time ago. Oops! So don’t make it too sexy, ladies!

You know who else didn’t notice or object to sexy women being dressed as toddlers? Mother of the Century Kris J*nner.

At least you can’t say it’s not in line with the K*rd*shi*n brand.

Seymone, the lone voice of reason, is nervous because she doesn’t want to come off as a grown woman dressed like a child. Unfortunately, Seymone is on America’s Next Top Model, and dignity will get her nowhere.

Some genius has given Ashley and Sophia a camera and the two of them offer a running commentary on the shoot, which I hope they do always and forever. Ashley

Some genius has given Ashley and Sophia a camera and the two of them offer a running commentary on the shoot, which I hope they do always and forever. Ashley starts screwing with Sophia and says she doesn’t want Seymone to leave because Seymone said Ashley was her favorite Brit, and then when Sophia whips her head around in shock, Ashley quickly says, “And so did Kyle, and so did Candace…” and makes it through like two more names before Sophia finally catches on. It’s delightful.

Kyle and Mariah look alike and Mariah is boring.

Laura, Sophie, and Catherine pose together. The Brits want to team up on Laura, but she foils them by leaning upside-down over the edge of her crib and looking completely insane.

Eboni and Candace pose together, and, wow, Eboni really does have a big burn mark on her cheek. Hang in there, girly.

Ashley and Sophia awesomely imitate Candace’s constant pouty pose on the count of three. Please, please keep them on the air forever.

Laura tries to play the tough bitch again and revels in Eboni’s cheek burn. Charming.

(Hey, Laura? Come here for a minute. I know it’s not fair and it’s not something that gets imposed on the straight chicks in the contest, but you are representing the LGBT community here. Do you want more complex and interesting bi characters in TV and movies, or do you want more mindless sex toys and ice pick murderers? Shape the hell up.

Also, a quick reminder: Friendly to everyone is kind of the whole bisexual deal.)

Ashley and AzMarie pose together and Ashley says “I have to bring it” in her fabulous accent. She also charmingly attempts a baseball metaphor but isn’t sure how many strikes you get. Which is not a criticism. I am not for a moment suggesting that any of the Americans could complete a cricket metaphor.

Ashley generously notes that AzMarie is gorgeous, and says all the girls think AzMarie is going to go far. I’m wondering if they meant the modeling contest.

Louise and Alisha patiently pose while J*enner holds spoons of baby food at them, and is way more interested in her face and the camera than what’s going on with the food and the spoons and other human beings’ mouths. So probably just like how it was when her kids were little.

Louise says the shoot was hard because she was starstruck over Kirs J*nner. RAISE THE BAR, LOUISE.

Back home!

There is a Brit strategy meeting by the pool. Louise says they have to tear each other down one by one and be “roofless.” God, I love the models this year. I don’t want to love them, but I do.

Time for Panel!

The new judge this season is “legendary fashion and PR maven” Kelly Cutrone. I don’t know what that means and Tyra won’t tell us. I suspect the key to that title sounding good is staying vague about it. I’m going to start calling myself “legendary word placement and keyboard maven.”

Tyra recites the usual prizes and hey, wait a minute! One of the prizes is a single? Like a song?  Hey, there,  everyone doing daily vocal exercises and studying music theory and doing terrible, low-paying gigs in bars just for the love of it! Are you enjoying the show?

AzMarie and Ashley are up first, and sweet broken Legos, these pictures are a mess. Ashley also says she was “starstruck” during the shoot and good lord, have these Brits not been allowed to see movies, or what?

Ashley gets good marks, but AzMarie doesn’t. Then again, they picked a shot in which AzMarie was looking down, so whatever.

Kyle and Mariah are the Boring Twins, except they’re worried that Mariah is the Sexy Boring Twin. In fact, several models get dinged for being too sexy as toddlers in the shoot for which they were dressed as sexy toddlers. Thanks, judges.

Laura, Sophia, and Catherine’s picture? Still a mess! But Laura gets props for weird body angles.

Eboni looks great, and Trya also has a story in which she herself bravely worked past a burn. Eboni is so in.

“Legendary fashion and PR maven” Kelly Cutrone has now given advice to several models and we are no closer to understanding what she does. Is she an agent? An art director? SAY IT.

Seymone and Annaleise go up and Annaleise says their shoot was “fan dabi dozi.” (Non-Brits, do not make the mistake I have made: Do not look up “Fan dabi dozi.” It’s some sort of novelty children’s song from the early ’80s, and it is sung by a husband and wife who are dressed up as a father and son, and it is what would happen if the Chipmunks stopped doing cover tunes and wrote their own stuff. DON’T LISTEN TO IT. You will never get it out of your head, even if you go all scorched earth on yourself and listen to “Escape (The Pina Colada Song).” Save yourself, and live your life in happy ignorance.)

Anyway, Annaleise and Seymone didn’t do well. Nor did Louise and Alisha, even though Louise totally looks like Linda Evangelista. Louise totally walks away with a face that says “But you dressed us as sexy toddlers!” I worry that Louise has the kind of smarts that does you no good on this show.

Judging

The judges are disappointed in AzMarie. They say her tattoos aren’t bad-ass enough (what?) and she looks commercial and doesn’t understand her brand. I have no idea. I guess they have decided on AzMarie’s brand for her but not mentioned it? Or are they trying to avoid an obvious front runner? Or are they just doing that thing where they don’t know how to handle an androgynous lesbian and are maybe letting random things fall out of their mouths until the sequence is over? Maybe that.

Oh, no. Lousie smiled and shyly bit her finger, but failed to thank Tyra for saying she looked like Linda Evangelista. Nice knowing you, Louise!s

Best photo: Laura! Go, Team LezBiModel! But you still need to be nicer!

Runner up: Ashley!

It comes down to Seymone and Mariah. Mariah is boring! Seymone is beautiful but that’s not enough!

This week’s obsolete model:

Sorry, Mariah!

Tyra says Mariah can and will model, but she needs spice to take it to the next level, and then Tyra pounds her fist on her stomach. What?

Poor, pretty Mariah is sad, but I think she’ll do OK in life.

Next week:

Fighting! And “legendary fashion and PR maven” Kelly Cutrone teaches the girls something about leadership! But probably not about what her job is! Anyway, fighting! I can’t wait. See you next week!

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