“The Real World: San Diego” recap: “Tick, Tick, Cabo-oom!” (Ep. 11)

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Again, the roommates pile into the hot tub, which should be packed in an enormous biohazard bag and sent to a hazardous waste facility at the close of the season. “Welcome to two weeks left. I’m going to puke every night,” says Frank. Not as much as I have been puking whilst recapping the season. Hey, it’s a thankless job, but someone has to do it.

Zach and Ashley go to the gym, again. Zach, sporting a Pepto-colored muscle shirt, remarks that someone should just tell Frank that he and Ashley don’t want to be BFFs with him. Frank tells us that Zach and Ashley are at the gym twelve hours a day, but he will continue to try to invite them into his life. From earlier episodes “inviting them into his life” means making snarky comments and occasionally yelling, which, clearly, has worked out well. Twelve hours a day at the gym doesn’t leave much time for tanning and doing laundry, and it certainly doesn’t leave time for listening to Frank bloviate.

Next, the roommates receive a package in the mail telling them that they’re going to Cabo! “The drama already has its bags packed, and it’s on its way to Mexico,” says Nate.

But first, Frank goes to therapy. His therapist tells him to go to Cabo without an agenda and that for some people, there is no key to opening them up. Basically, shut up, screw Zach and Ashley and get crunk, because – hello – it’s Cabo.

The roommates arrive in Mexico and walk into a really really ridiculously good looking suite with a really really ridiculously good looking view. In response, Nate breaks something. Classy.

The drinking age in Mexico is 18, so Priscilla proceeds to grab every alcoholic beverage in sight. Then everyone runs around the suite naked. Then they go dancing. Then they jump in the pool, except for Zach and Ashley, who leave the group and end up sitting outside the front of their suite impotently, because they don’t have a key. What a fun couple.

The next day the group goes swimming with dolphins. Nate is scared that he might get his crotch head butted by Flipper, so he wonders whether he should wear a cup. Later on, he loses his fear of dolphins and ends up making out with one.

The group swims in the ocean, except for Zach and Ashley, who are canoodling on the beach. This annoys Frank, who complains to Sam about it.

Sam tells us the obvious: This is all about Frank wanting Zach and Ashley to like him. “Frank, getting Zach and Ashley to like him? It’s pointless,” concludes Sam.

Next, the group starts drinking again. Priscilla gets wasted and tries to make out with Nate, who opts out of the offer. Nate will make out with a dolphin but not Priscilla? Ouch. Priscilla really really wants to make out with someone. Who will it be? Later on, it’s ladies night at the Nowhere Bar, and the girls get hammered. Priscilla flashes the camera her vajayjay, like Paris Hilton circa 2006. Sam can barely walk. In the car, they make out. Score!

Cabo snog tally:

Sam and Priscilla – 1
Nate and Flipper – 1
Ashley and Zach – still ambiguous

The next day the group goes para sailing, and Priscilla throws up all over the place. She declares she is never drinking again. Sure. I hear my friends make the same declaration every Sunday. Cheers!

Next, everyone goes horseback riding, and Ashley’s horse starts a fight with Nate’s horse. “Ashley gets the only blonde horse, which makes sense,” says Frank. “And Ashley’s horse is a bitch, which makes sense.”

The last night in Cabo the roommates go to Bar Esquina, a swank restaurant on the shore. During the course of dinner, Sam asks Zach a question. Why does he always get so defensive every time the group discusses gays in the military? The group’s Cabo diet must have not contained very much fiber, because Zach looks awfully constipated. He mumbles that he doesn’t support gays in the military, which sets Frank off. He starts yelling at Zach.

But then the conversation moves away from gays in the military to Zach and Ashley’s self imposed cocoon and how they don’t hang out with the rest of the roommates. Frank calls Zach “disgusting,” and Zach tells him to shut up. Telling Frank to shut up is like telling Michele Bachmann to stop being ridiculous – Frank just continues yelling at Zach, and the roommates, including Sam, become increasingly uncomfortable.

The roommates return to the suite, exhausted from the dinner fight. Ashley and Zach are in their own room, where Zach tells Ashley that while he refrained from hitting Frank at a nice restaurant, he would have hit him in the suite. See, now, I was just starting to warm up to Zach. Why’d he have to turn into a bigoted Neanderthal again?

The cast returns to San Diego. Zach and Ashley have coffee, and Ashley tells Zach she feels bad for him, because she feels that he was pushed into saying he didn’t support gays in the military and that she knows he doesn’t believe that. Zach tells her that he has no problems with gays in the military. Then why did he say that he had a problem? To spite Frank? Oooh, psychological warfare. This is turning into Real Housewives.

Frank approaches Zach and Ashley and apologizes for yelling at them in Mexico and that if he is the one making the two uncomfortable to take him out of the equation and continue hanging out with the rest of the roommates. Zach has had enough of Frank, period and tells us that Frank is a loser.

Alexandra tells Zach and Ashley that she would like them to hang out with the rest of the group and not to let one person ruin the group dynamic. At this precise moment Frank comes into the room and snaps at Zach. The situation deteriorates quickly, and the two have an unintelligible shouting match, closing the episode.

Only one episode left! Who will be left standing – Zach or Frank?

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