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AfterEllen.com’s 2010 Gift Guide for the Gay Woman

It’s that time of year again, when you begin to think of the best possible gifts for everyone on your list. It can be challenging, but it can be fun, and sharing ideas of what someone might like is part of that seasonal joy. Basically, we have opinions on stuff, and we know you do, too. So let’s consume thoughtfully and with purpose!

The writers at AfterEllen.com have come up with gifts for women you might know, from the Materialistic Femme, to the Gay for the Gym Rat, to the Queer Lit Lady. It’s 14 pages of gift ideas for the lucky ladies in your life, or perhaps some ideas for you to put on your own list. (Shopping for yourself is part of the fun, too, right?)

So here’s hoping that we have found some things you’d like to get your hands on for you and yours this holiday season. We also accept any of these gifts sent to us in thanks. (Just kidding. Kind of.)

Happy shopping!

1. One of your favorite books. I’m not talking Harry Potter or the Millennium series or other titles you know most lesbian book lovers have read: Choose a special book that most people don’t know about, one that you could read again and again. Maybe a special genre, like a children’s book or a graphic novel. It’s a gift from the heart and tells your friend something special about you — and she gets a new book to explore in the process. Be sure to inscribe it! ($10+)

2. Subscription to The New York Times Book Review. I wasn’t aware until recently that you could subscribe to the NYT Book Review separately from the newspaper. You choose the term, so you can spend what you want, and it arrives (at least in the U.S.) before the Sunday release date. Bibliophiles adore NYT book reviews, whether we agree with them or not. ($1.75 per week)

3. Used books from a favorite author. To share writings of someone your friend doesn’t know, go to a used bookstore and get several representative books. You won’t spend a ton of money and your friend won’t feel guilty if she doesn’t care for the author. And if she discovers a new writer to love, you’re a hero. ($3+)

4. Bookstore gift card. I’m not a big fan of gift cards usually, but I would never forget to use a bookstore card. Be sure to get one from a real, bricks & mortar bookshop, because browsing is the best part. ($10+)

5. A Kindle or iPad. Expensive, yes, and perhaps a surprising recommendation for a genuine book lover because we love physical books – the way they look, the way they smell, the way that feel in your hand. But we also love to read and want to have reading material available at all times. The truth is that we read some books that we don’t care about owning (I’m looking at you, Twilight). The iPad has the most gorgeous book-reader, of course, but among dedicated e-reader devices, the Kindle wins. ($89-$500)

– The Linster

1. Singing Glee Magic 8-ball.. While Glee may be everywhere, one thing that I haven’t seen yet is the Magic 8-ball. Fox’s website says it sings and talks. No word yet on if “Did you know dolphins are just gay sharks” is among its spoken gems. It sounds like the perfect stocking stuffer to me. ($12.95)

2. Grey’s Anatomy T-shirts. You heart everyone’s favorite folded up pizza: Grey’s Anatomy’s Callie and Arizona. Show your love for primetime’s leading lesbians (yes, they’re broken up now, but they won’t be for long) with a T-shirt or hoodie from ABC’s store. Selections include tank tops expressing your love for Arizona, an I Love Callie hoodie and even a baseball-style “You Can’t Pray Away The Gay” shirt. For the serious Grey’s fan, don’t forget a “Seriously?!” shirt – and something for your McPooch as shirts for dogs are also available. ($20+)

3. The Real L Word on DVD. Come back to reality with a little mindless fun – and drama – courtesy of The Real L Word DVDs for and add a set of four show-themed wine glasses. Then order two bottles of Real L Word wine because, face it, you might need the second bottle to cover the bonus features. Make it interesting by getting her a Pants or Pumps T-shirt, also via Showtime’s gift shop. ($49+)

4. The L Word Box Set. You miss Bette, Tina, Alice, Shane and company. But you really miss Dana. And Carmen. Marathon all six seasons, currently packaged on Amazon. Then personalize a copy of Jennifer Beals’ The L Word Book. ($125+)

5. The Buffy boxed set. Includes Seasons 1-7, plus a cool note from The Josser himself. No lesbian DVD collection is complete without this baby. Plus, you know, Willow and Tara cuteness. Face it, you’d rather stay in on New Year’s Eve with Buffy and company, anyway.Currently on sale on Amazon. ($180)

Have the DVDs already? Include your preorder receipt for Season 8’s stop-motion comic DVD/Blu-ray. It comes out Jan. 4, which allows ample time for the Buffy newbie to realize just what everyone’s been talking about all these years. Amazon is now accepting pre-orders. Individual volumes of each of the Season 8 comics also are available on Amazon. ($10+)

(Note: Buffy also provides a perfect gateway to turning your girlfriend into a fangirl. Trust me, I speak from experience. There’s nothing cuter than imitating the guys on The Big Bang Theory for a field trip to the comic book store with your date. Total nerdgasm!)

Top the Buffy-themed gift off with some pop: Jones Soda’s Buffy spellcasting soda. ($12.99)

– Lesley Goldberg

If your girlfriend is an Anglophile, the best gift you can give her is the swift kick in the arse she needs to never again say the word “Anglophile” out loud again. Sure, she loves British culture and history. And sure, she occasionally drops a perfectly-placed British phrase like “bang out of order” and “you’re getting on my tits” (not a compliment). But if she is going to actually fit in the United Kingdom, she’s got to lose the Union Jack throw pillows and the Keep Calm and Carry On welcome mat. Nothing is more annoying to an English person than an American standing still in the middle of Victoria station in the middle of the afternoon with a full backpack and a look of awe and adoration on her face. Trust me.

Here are five gifts that aren’t tourist tat for your Anglophile girlfriend.

1. Biscuits. Americans and Britons might (sort of) speak the same language, but we do not eat the same foods. How about some biscuits (Garibaldi for the Naomily lover!), or some crisps (Prawn and Roasted Chicken are flavors she’s going to have to learn to love, or some tea. It’s anarchy in the UK if you refuse tea. Learn to love it. ($10 – $20)

2. Books. Yes, a complete set of Jane Austen novels would be lovely (if she doesn’t already own them in various styles from various publishers), but another great gift for the Anglophile are books written by American expatriates with a sharp sense of humor. Bill Bryson’s Notes From a Small Island and Sarah Lyall’s The Anglo Files: A Field Guide to the British are a good place to start. Check Amazon.com or your local bookstore. ($30 – 50)

3. Telly. Oh, there are so many queer television shows (series) your girlfriend needs to own on DVD. Bad Girls, Sugar Rush, Skins, Lip Service, Tipping the Velvet, Fingersmith, Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit. How about downloading Coronation Street and burning it to a DVD for her? ($50 – $200)

4) Routemaster light boxes or bus/train blind sets. Particularly excellent if you’re girlfriend is turned on by vintage gifts and/or transportation. And of course she is: She’s enamored with a country that has somehow managed to maintain its quaintness while simultaneously becoming one of the most powerful, progressive places in the world. ($150 – $500)

5) A trip to the UK. And lo! you will score as you have never scored before. Expedia, Travelocity, etc. ($1,500+)

– Heather Hogan

The success of shows built purely on nostalgia a la “I love the [fill in the blank]” have proved that we all miss some childhood holiday memories. For Sapphic contingent there are plenty of retro fashions, toys and baubles that we just can’t let go of. Here’s what to get for your history lovin-lady.

1. Candy. Just need a few more stocking stuffers for her chimney hanging lingerie? Candy comes in all kinds of nostalgic flavors. They are often even separated out by decade and have specific holiday packages. Check out Candy Crate or Nostalgic Candy. ($3+)

2. Classic lesbian novels. While lesbian entertainment in film and television has struggled with representation and censorship, there have always been plenty of queer words to be found throughout the 20th century. Classics like Radclyffe Hall’s The Well of Loneliness or anything by Gertrude Stein give a peek into the burgeoning lesbian culture of the ’20s, but since most of us weren’t around then we are more likely to be interested in beginnings of lesbian culture in the ’60s and ’70s, as depicted by authors like Audre Lorde and Rita Mae Brown. But on the pure prurient fun side I recommend some ’50s and ’60s lesbian pulp novels for your guilty pleasure reading. First editions are great for the grand bibliophile but they are hard to find. Luckily the feminist Cleis Press has republished a whole slew of the most popular titles. Or, of course, there’s always teen drama like Annie On My Mind, which was a game changer for me. ($12.95)

3. Toys. Nothin’ says Christmas lovin’ like revisiting childhood play favorites. Whether it’s a Princess Leia as Jabba’s slave girl figurine, Rainbow Brite or a Cabbage Patch preemie we all have our own go to gifts for remembering the frenzy that present opening brought into the house. Any vintage enthusiast knows to check out EBay but there are more and more stores dedicated to childhood memories every day. One such dyke and hipster friendly shop is Portland’s Billy Galaxy which has an online and brick and mortar shop. Now where’s my Mon Chi Chi? ($3.99 +)

4. Vintage fashions. Fat positive stores such as Re/Dress are great for the larger ladies, but slimmer fashions can be found in countless vintage dress shops in your town including bigger names like LA’s Aardvark, DC upstart Treasury or the ubiquitous Buffalo Exchange. ($34+)

– Alley Hector

Ah, the queer literary nerd. Hopefully you are lucky enough to know the type: they rock a cool librarian aesthetic, wouldn’t be caught dead without a paperback in their bag, read more lit mags than glossies, and think the Lambda Literary Awards are way more important than the Oscars. For the lesbian literati in your life, I suggest the following awesome gifts.

1. Handmade notecards. Whether she’s writing thank you notes, a list of books she wants to pick up at her local indie bookstore, or sweet nothings to her gf, any nerd will appreciate these handmade notecards from The Blue Balloon shop on crafty site Etsy. Created on old library catalog cards and stamped with a typewriter, they’ll make any book lover swoon. ($5)

2. She Blinded Me With Library Science Tote. When your bookish homegirl checks out like every Jeanette Winterson novel at the library, how is she ever gonna cart them all home? Everybody likes a good tote bag, and this cheeky blue number is perfect for bookworms/lovers of ’80s nerd pop/appreciators of a good pun. Brilliant. ($15)

3. Original artwork. Sure, her bookshelves are banging, but what about her walls? Treat your bookworm to some original artwork with a biblio-vibe. The 20×200 project aims to put original artwork printed in small batches into the hands of DIY collectors. You can grab a small print for 20 bucks, or purchase larger (and more limited) editions for a bit more cash. And there’s plenty of art that echoes a literary aesthetic, like Lauren DiCioccio’s artistic rendition of Vogue’s contributor page, or Austin Kleon’s poems created by random New York Times articles. (If you’re indecisive, 20×200 also sells cute gift certificates, so your lit nerd can pick out their own art.) ($20 to $200)

4. Notebook paper clutch. Whether attending a reading, or just spending a night on the town, every literary gal will need a place to stash a paperback, some pens, and a little notebook for when inspiration may strike. Splurge on this new Kate Spade number: a generous clutch made to look like blue lined notebook paper. ($95)

5. Eyeglasses. Perhaps no cultural icon has claimed eyeglasses like librarians have. Add to that the wide hipster embrace of chunky spectacles, and you know that nothing completes a look (or a geek) like a pair of super awesome glasses. Fashionable New Yorkers have long sought out opticians Sol Moscot for what’s hip in eyewear. Moscot boasts a considerable catalog of glasses that would make Nancy Pearl herself jealous. Case in point: the voluptuous Ginger style, in moss. What girl wouldn’t look good in a pair of these and a pencil skirt? You can pick out a snazzy pair and have them shipped anywhere. ( $225)

– Courtney Gillette

Getting holiday gifts for a music lover can seem very difficult — whatever kinds of music we love, we tend to get very passionate about. So, this holiday season, use their passion to your advantage.

1. Mix tape. For true music lovers, there is nothing better than getting a perfectly crafted mix tape from someone. Think about what you want your mix tape to say and weave a story together from the tunes you’ve got on your playlist and any new ones you need to add. ($0 – $10)

2. Don’t Need You: The Herstory of Riot Grrrl DVD. No matter what genres of music you enjoy, it’s always good to know your history — or herstory. Your favorite music lover will kiss you forever for getting her, Don’t Need You: The Herstory of Riot Grrrl DVD featuring interviews with Kathleen Hanna, Corin Tucker and more. When you’re done adding that to your cart, take a look around the entire site, they’ve got some of the cutest gifts ever. ($15)

3. Disc Jockey T. Music lovers are loud and proud people. We want you to know we have every Luscious Jackson album and B-side that there ever was. We want to argue over whether or not the latest Kanye album really deserved a 10.0 on the Pitchfork ratings system. So, why not let us wear a cute shirt while also paying homage to our embarrassingly large vinyl collection with this selection from Threadless. ($18)

4. The Composition. I cheated this year and told my girlfriend exactly what I want as part of my present, an awesome and economically sound piece of art that I’m sure Suze Orman would yell, “approved” to. My reason for choosing this particular print? It combines my two loves: music and writing. ($25 – $55).

5. Concert tickets. Here’s the tricky thing about buying concert tickets as gifts. You need to be careful to not accidentally get the tickets for yourself. Sure, The Bangles only come around once every five years, but your honey wants to see Rasputina — so Rasputina it is. My concert advice though, if you want to make it special, try to find someone just on the verge of getting big on the indie scene and see them in a smaller venue. ($12+)

– Mia Jones

1. Targus for iPad. She’s already got an iPad; she’s on it all the time. This pen will let her take notes old-school style and aids in accurate typing and button selection – especially those super small buttons. The Targus has a rubber tip, which has more control and accuracy than the earlier prototypes that had felt tips. This is especially great for frequent doodlers sitting through long classes or meetings. ($18)

2. Parallels Desktop 6 for Mac. Nothings says I love you like solving the ever-annoying Windows/Mac incompatibility issue. Parallels lets you drag-and-drop and copy-and-paste between Windows and Mac, and use Mac OS X keyboard shortcuts within Windows applications. It also improves Windows graphics by 40 percent and has a compatible mobile app. ($80)

3. Twin Video Camera. As far as filming goes, it doesn’t get much geekier than this. The Ion Twin Video Camera’s tagline is “for every action there is a reaction.” Basically you’re filming something, and you’re simultaneously filming yourself – reacting to whatever you are filming. Recording quality is 640 x 480 and 30 frames per second. I know, right? ($130)

4. Final Cut Express 4.0 Perfect for the video editor on the go; you know, the one who’s still using iMovie. Has almost all the functionality of Final Cut Pro but loads quicker and takes up less space. FCP Express captures both DV and HD footage and includes a slew of effects, transitions and graphics. She’ll be slinging pro web vids in no time. ($199)

5. iBUYPOWER Gamer Power A557D3 FPS Gaming Desktop. For the serious gamer, give the gift of a super fast, high computing gaming device that will change her life forever (and maybe never get her away from the video games, er, maybe this isn’t actually a great idea). Equipped with a powerful AMD Pehnom II x4 965 processor clocked at 3.4GHz, this box will take her game play to the next level. ($800)

– Megan Hargroder

Oh, Dilemmas. If there’s one person on your list who can sometimes be a touch difficult to buy for, it’s most certainly the fashionable butch in your life. And you can be certain that she’s definitely been naughty this year.

1. A good tie. A good tie is a staple in the butch wardrobe, and if she doesn’t have one, she should. You can really get creative with it and use the tie as a ribbon on a bigger gift! (Thank me for the idea later). I like this one by . It’s a classic she’ll undoubtedly love. ($50)

2. Warm socks. Some may argue that getting socks for the Holidays is like the ultimate burn, but what if they’re expensive socks that are also awesomely warm and soft? Let me present you with Smartwool. Most are sold on the fact that you can wear them several times before they start to smell. Take that as you will, pro or con. ($21.95)

3. Ben Sherman clothing. The bad news? Ben Sherman is discontinuing his women’s line. The good news is that as a result all of the stuff is on sale! Stock up for your sweetie and who knows- the stuff is probably going to be a hot commodity once it’s no longer available. Get it, get it. ($30+)

4. Sheep skin slippers. So, my girlfriend has told me at least 10 times how much she wants Sheep skin slippers. Someone’s got expensive taste, huh? I kid, I kid – these house shoes are totally reasonably priced and will undoubtedly be appreciated by even the most conventional of conventional gift giving ladies. ($69)

5. Diesel jacket. If you can introduce me to a butch who doesn’t love Diesel you might as well knock me over with a feather. If you’re springing for your sweetie, I say go for this jacket by the brand – it’s like raddest thing I’ve seen all week.

– Emily Hartl

1. Philips Sweat-Proof Headphones. For runners, headphones can be the bane of your existence. I’ve gone through four pair in the last year alone. I decided I was being cheap, buying $20-$30 pairs of earbuds (which I prefer), so I was ready to pay even more for some that would last. But the Philips SHQ1000/28 In-Ear Headphones Tuned for Sports are the cheapest (and best) that I’ve found yet. They’re sweat-proof, so you can run all you want and not worry that sound will suddenly stop coming out of the left side (ugh!). They have three different sized earbud skins, ensuring a perfect fit, and a handy clip on the cord to attach to your pants, shirt or bra, to minimize dreaded cord bounce. ($16.82)

2. SafeSide Towels from Athlete Outfitters. Maybe your fitness-friendly lady friend belongs to a gym that has towel service, or takes her own towel to the gym. But I bet she has never seen one as practical (and cute) as this SafeSide gym towel from Athlete Outfitters . One side says “face” and the other “gym,” which prevents picking up all kinds of gross bacteria that’s left behind the gym floor, bench, locker, treadmill, etc. These towels are made of a bamboo-cotton blend, as bamboo is a natural antibacterial. Kitschy and functional: the best combo! ($14.95 – $49.95)

3. Harbinger FlexFit Weightlifting Gloves. If the fit girl in your life is into lifting weights (as she should be, because muscle burns more fat – and looks hot), gloves are a must. Not only will they protect her delicate hands from blisters, they also prevent you from holding hands with Calus McCalus-y. Workout should be rough, not hands. I’ve gone through a few pair of gloves, and am pretty into my current ones: the women’s Harbinger FlexFit. I like the easy on/off with the velcro, and the fit is perfect for women. No matter how butch your babe is, women’s gloves are a must (even the small men’s aren’t quite right) and this is proof you can avoid overly girly ones. ($19.99)

4. Fit Bit. I’ve always wanted a Body Bugg, like the contestants on the Biggest Loser wear, but I could never bring myself to spend $200+ on something that has to be worn around my arm all the time. I’m a fan of tank tops in the summer – and not awful tan lines. The Fit Bit, however, works the same way, tracking your fitness and sleep, all from your pocket, clipped to your pants or bra, or on your wrist while you sleep. No one will even have to know what a fitness fanatic you are! Enter your calories consumed online for a more accurate look at each day. The Fit Bit is a must have. But, don’t wait – it’s in high demand and orders placed now are shipping mid-December. ($99)

5. New tiny iPod nano. I don’t know about you guys, but I just don’t get the iPod armbands. To me, you’re not working your biceps/triceps enough or are cutting your runs way too short for those things to stay in place and not drive you completely insane. Not to mention, sometimes you don’t want everyone to know you’re listening to Lindsay Lohan while you workout. The new Nanos are perfectly sized to fit discretely in any gym pants pocket (even the ones I used to avoid because the pockets are too small to fit a regular-sized iPod). You can even shove this in your sports bra, if it weren’t for the whole boob sweat issue. Don’t forget to take advantage of Apple’s free engraving, so your special lady thinks of you every time she breaks a sweat. ($149 – $179)

– Jamie Murnane

1. Smart phone protector. A scenester’s smart phone isn’t just a phone or gaming platform – it is an extension of herself. It is her vestigial twin. While most people don’t need an extra limb or organ, a scenester cannot survive without her smart phone. Without the ability to text “hey gurl hey” and “where u at?” and “u betta get ur ass to CDLF at USL or imma cut u xx maggie c” every five minutes, a scenester loses her voice. She becomes silenced, and silence equals death.

The longer a scenester has been in the scene, the more women she has undoubtedly been with. Some have racked up a body count higher than that of a Tarantino film. This, of course, can lead to unpleasant encounters commonly known as “dyke drama.” Smart phone applications like Foursquare and Facebook Places are essential tools for a scenester. Foursquare displays the location of those you follow on a map. It’s sort of like a magic wand that reveals the location of landmines in a combat situation. Did Jane Does #12 and #25 just check into Cubbyhole? Better go to Stonewall instead.

Unfortunately, scenesters also tend to drink a lot, and this can lead to clumsiness, and clumsiness can lead to dropped phones, and dropped phones can lead to broken phones, and broken phones lead to broken souls.This is why a scenester’s sacred iPhone, Android or Blackberry must be protected like the Hope Diamond. In fact, if you threw the Hope Diamond and a scenester’s new Droid 2 off a cliff at the same time, the scenester will dive after the Droid, screaming “My precious!” like Gollum from Lord of the Rings.

A sturdy smart phone protector is all a scenester needs to protect her lifeline, her baby, her precious. ($27)

2. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer. You will get sweaty. Your eye makeup will run. Bathroom lines at lesbian parties are longer than bread lines in the former Soviet Union. It’s not even worth waiting in line to pee, so it’s definitely not worth waiting in line to reapply your makeup. Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer is like super glue for eye makeup. Don’t leave home without it. ($26)

3. Flask. Scenesters go out a lot. Drinks are expensive. We’re still in a recession. The end. ($5+)

4. Hazmat suit. Uh-oh. Here comes your toxic ex. I hope you have one of these handy. ($95)

5. Civilian mask. Sometimes, a hazmat suit and Foursquare just aren’t enough. Going to Dinah Shore? Better throw in one of these, too. ($27)

– Grace Chu

1. The Illustrated Gentleman Calendar. Elisha Lim is the artist behind 100 Butches, and all of her art is inspired by real life lesbians. Her 2011 calendar is full of illustrations and first-person stories from “handsome dandy queers.” Who wouldn’t want that 365 days a year? ($20)

2. Girls Like Us magazine subscription. My favorite lesbian magazine comes from Amsterdam, where the women featured are internationally recognized, and the photography and art inside is nothing short of inspiring as well as super, super gay. You can’t read an issue and not learn something about cool things lesbians have done/are doing. I keep every single one they put out. ($43)

3. Rachel Maddow or Ellen D T from Rainbow Alternative. Because you can’t find a T-shirt with your favorite lesbian TV personality at your local Hot Topic, Rainbow Alternative has you covered. And you can’t beat gay-owned, indie style ware. ($12-$18)

4. Catherine Opie print. Whether you like her portraits of Kate Moennig or other butchy types in the “Girlfriends” series, or prefer her S&M-themed “DYKE” shots from the ’90s, there’s a lot of cool imagery to choose from, should you be able to afford it. ($600+)

5. Olivia Cruise. As long as she’s not seasick, any lesbian will take you up on a boat ride with hundreds of other gay women. And if she is one of those who gets green on the water, treat her to one of the Olivia resorts. But I might recommend the Mexican Riviera Cruise this spring, which features Wanda Sykes. ($700+)

– Trish Bendix

1. Engraved diamond stud earrings. Holiday giving is all about managing expectations. Sometimes this means taking a literal approach to the wish lists of your loved ones. For example, if the special lady in your life is demanding diamonds but your bank account is demanding mercy, why not invest in these delightful handmade, engraved diamond stud earrings from uncommongoods.com? ($24)

2. Garden Yeti Statue. If your friend actually took your advice and bought her lady those engraved diamond stud earrings, she may need some company when she’s sleeping in her new bed out in the backyard on the coming cool winter nights. You’ll be safe and warm in your own bed with your lady (dripping in the actual bling you bought her), so send the Garden Yeti Statue from Design Toscano to entertain your lonely and displaced pal. Bigfoot, the Garden Yeti, is a great listener and his (or her, is Bigfoot a lesbian?) familiar “furry” face is sure to be a comforting sight. ($98.95)

3. Mariah Carey’s Merry Christmas Yule Log DVD. Do you have an obsessive movie and/or music nut in your life? Of course you do. How do you ever select a film or CD for them that they don’t already own? Before you say, “Duh, gift card!” consider the Mariah Carey‘s Merry Christmas Yule Log DVD.

Not only does this DVD include the original 10 tracks (including “All I Want for Christmas Is You”) from Carey’s classic holiday album, you can listen to said songs while enjoying one of three wintery images. The recipient can chose from the classic crackling “yule log” display, the always popular “hearth and tree” view, or the third option, which I call the “I’ve locked myself out of the chalet and my friends have passed out and can’t let me back in” background. You can almost feel the frostbite setting in as you watch the snow come down and observe the glow from the fireplace flickering in the windows of the cabin in the just-too-far distance. ($11.99)

– Karman Kregloe

If you’ve fallen prey to the wiles and beauty of the high-maintenance femme…all I can say is happy holidays and best of luck to you.

Just kidding! I’m not ashamed to admit to being a high-maintenance femme, and for the good of lesbian relationships everywhere, I am here to offer some guidance for those of you who are stuck with the daunting task of stuffing our stockings.

When shopping for your high-maintenance femme, let these two principles be your guide: luxury and romance. No socks, no cookware, nothing practical whatsoever! The high-maintenance lipstick lesbian wants to feel pampered and adored, like the flawless creature of beauty you’ve probably led her to believe she is.

1. High-heeled cake server. Here’s an adorable stocking stuffer for the shoe-obsessed femme. ($15).

2. SJP ornament. I want to decorate my entire Christmas tree in these ornaments, brought to us by none other than Sarah Jessica Parker. If your girly girl loved Carrie Bradshaw, she’ll want one of these too. ($29)

3. Perfume. This gift is tried and true. If the object of your affection is a high-maintenance femme, I promise you can’t go wrong with a nice bottle of perfume. If she has a signature scent, replenish her supply. Or, win some bonus points by choosing something sexy that “made you think of her when you smelled it” (wink, wink). Help your lady stay current with a new perfume like Gucci’s Guilty or Twirl by Kate Spade. ($30 – $100)

4. Luxe skin care. Do you love your lady’s soft luminous skin? Yes? Well, here’s a secret: it takes work to look like that — and a lot of money. So help a sister out! Crème de la mer is a legendary skin care line with a cult following, and with good reason. This stuff is pricey, but it works. ($130 and up)

5. Tiffany handbag. Diamonds aren’t the only thing getting wrapped up in those quintessential blue Tiffany boxes this year. The luxury jeweler recently launched a line of handbags, and I think they are just as cute as can be. There are a number of designs to choose from, but my favorite is the little red number. ($595+)

– Meg Streit

Look, we all went thorough that “let’s watch every gay movie ever made, even the bad ones, even a Bar Girls phase. So we know you’ve seen lesbian movies. Which can make buying for the true lesbian movie lover a little tricky. She already owns all the usual DVDs, so what can you get her? Well, with a little imagination, some elbow grease and possibly a few frequent flier miles, you can give the perfect gift you’re your favorite film fanatic.

1. Lesbian DVDs. Since she probably already has all the contemporary classics, think outside the everyday DVD box. Give her some old-school subtext instead. Think Morocco (Marlene Dietrich in a tux), Johnny Guitar (Joan Crawford in cowgirl gear) or Calamity Jane (Doris Day in leather caps). ($10-$20)

2. Queer Film Festival Tickets. Many major cities across the country and internationally host LGBT film festivals. Find out for the dates for the 2011 festival and make it a date. Give her vouchers for popcorn and soda as well, because every good date deserves dinner (or a dinner equivalent, considering the cost of movie snacks these days). ($10-$20)

3. Reenact a Scene. Just be sure to make it a good one. Consider the body paint scene from Better Than Chocolate. The coordinated and crafty can find a chain-link fence (preferably in a private area) and do a little Gia modeling session of their own. The clumsy can always try the falling scene from Saving Face. ($0+)

4. Movie Memorabilia. So while it might be hard to get the original props from some of your favorite films, you can get the next best thing. Track down a vintage 1957 Ford Fairlane 500 Sunliner (or model of one to be more budget friendly) for Desert Hearts fans. Find those wobbly, round-bottomed shot glasses for When Night is Falling lovers. And for the Fried Green Tomatoes fan in your life, it couldn’t be simpler: Give her a jar of fresh honey (extra bonus you’re-totally-getting-some points if you hand it over while whispering in her ear, “You’re just a bee charmer, Idgie Threadgoode. That’s what you are, a bee charmer.”) ($5 – $1000)

5. On-Site Vacation. Take a trip to a location from your favorite lesbian movie. For maximum cuteness, might I suggest a visit to Primrose Hill in Regent’s Park to sit and snuggle on the same bench as Rachel and Luce in Imagine Me & You. ($0+)

– Dorothy Snarker

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