Archive

AfterEllen.com Huddle: It Gets Better

We’ve all been very aware of the sad string of young gay suicides recently, and the It Gets Better Project has been attempting to get a message out to those struggling with similar issues of bullying and depression: It gets better.

I recently took to Twitter to ask some young lesbian followers how they feel about the project, and if it’s reaching them or anyone they know. While most of them acknowledged it’s a good thing, they also didn’t feel like it was really for them. The celebrities are primarily straight, and the gay ones are primarily men. They aren’t seeing themselves, so it feels like young gay women aren’t a target audience.

(A big thanks to @send4ash, @nikkeh09, @realtin, @keracolin, @misslsw, @colleenbrethour, @rcherrymischief, @twinsandgirl, @myheadphoneson, @grungebaby92, @Rikki_nikea, @MariliaVilar, @_shkippy_ , @hannahl17, @bjacobsxd, @djstarii7, @this_symphony, @xperiment314, @changetheirhue, @KoriNeedham, @brencolrec, @sara_bugden for their input!)

But are we bullied? You bet. The less publicized joint suicide of two young Canadian lesbians, Jeanine Blanchette, 21, and Chantal Dubé, 17, has sadly proven this to be true.

It’s not just about the young gay men, so where are the older lesbian voices to give them pieces of advice?

We have some right here.

Meg Streit: If you’re a young lesbian lady who is being bullied or rejected because you like girls — first of all, congratulations for having the courage to come out at a young age. There are women double and triple your age who would like to be honest about who they are and who they love, but haven’t yet found the strength that you did. There is not a single LGBTQ person who has not felt exactly how you are feeling now at some point in her or his life. But the good news is, it gets so much better! It gets wonderful, actually.

As you go off to college or begin working and move out of your parents’ house, you will find a whole new community that embraces you (and believe it or not, some of the people who don’t accept you now will come to realize they are wrong). Once you get away from the people who are bullying you, you will begin to see that you can be gay and have a life filled with anything you want — friends, a successful career, a great home, happiness, love, and even marriage and children.

Remember that there are lots of us older lesbians out there working hard to change laws and spread tolerance so that your life will be easier than ours. I promise you, times are changing. Very soon, the kind of bigotry and intolerance you are experiencing will be totally unacceptable, and the people who harassed you will look back on what they did with shame. And trust me, you will be so busy living your own fabulous life that you won’t even remember their names!

Dorothy Snarker: It gets better is simple to say, but often hard to believe. Far-off promises mean little when your everyday is like a waking hell. That’s great that things will be better in one, two, five, ten years. How can they be better now? Well, they can and will get better because you aren’t alone. You are never alone. We’ve all been there, and we’re all here now for you. The trick, as always, is to find us.

Rainbow flag and leather wristcuffs aside, identifying other gay people is sometimes the hardest part about coming out. Where are we? Why can’t we all wear flashing signs or some sort of neck lanyard for easier identification? But no matter where you live, there are ways to find people. If your high school has a gay-straight alliance club, talk to them. If your city has a LGBT center, visit it. Check for your closest local chapters of PFLAG or GLSEN.

But even if those are nowhere near, even if you are sure not a single other gay person lives in your town (p.s. there totally are, I swear), there are a wealth of online forums to find support, friendship and the strength to get through the bad times. And if you don’t have a computer, you can always pick up a phone. The Trevor Project is there for you 24-hours a day, seven-days a week for free, confidential support. Call 866-488-7386.

Things do get better, they are getting better. We are all working hard to make sure they get better. Trust me, you want to be around for the good stuff.

Heather O’Neill: Reach out to an adult who you think will understand. Do things. Try to find a community-online and offline. If possible, get a part-time job at a funky coffee shop or book store. Join a theater group. Volunteer at a women’s shelter. Take a writing or art or dance class at your local community college.

Trust that things will get better. Trust that you are not alone. Trust that the people who are bullying you are worse off in the end because they lack compassion. Trust that whatever is driving them to bully you is ugly and mean and sad as oppose to your sexuality, which is beautiful and unique.

Courtney Gillette: Maybe I’m bias in this piece of advice, as I’ve been scribbling innotebooks since I could hold a pen, but nothing in high school seemed to help me feel more, well, human, than being able to write things down. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Notebooks were the first place where I shaped the words about who I was, the girls I liked, the things I thought, the problems I had. Even if nobody saw what I wrote (and, sweet Jesus, I might’ve died if anyone did), there was my world and my life on the page. No one could argue with that. Especially when mean things were said, feelings were hurt, and being a lone queer in a huge high school in suburban Pennsylvania seemed so awful that I wanted to run away, I had a place to go: my notebook.

Lesley Goldberg: I’ve always been a tomboy. I grew up playing with Matchbox cars, Star Wars action figures and baseball cards. With a name like Lesley, the bullies had a field day. I heard “Lezzzley lesbian” almost every single day. At age 11, I didn’t even know what they were talking about. And more importantly, I didn’t care. I was happy being a tomboy with the best baseball card collection who knew more than the boys did; happy beating them at both baseball and basketball; happy being who I was, despite not knowing what a lesbian was. I just figured they were taunting me because they were jealous.

The older I got, the more I didn’t fit in. I didn’t have any friends who were girls; I had trouble talking to women; and just felt generally awkward. But I was still happy. Then it all clicked when at the age of 20 I finally figured out that yes, I really was Lezzzley lesbian. The awkwardness and lack of female friends faded and I was just as confident in myself as I was at 11 on the baseball field/basketball court. Then the taunting memories came rushing back and I realized that the school bullies might have seen something in me that I didn’t – maybe something that they saw and were afraid of in themselves.

My point is that it gets better. And my advice is to never change or be afraid to be who and what you are. Be proud. Stand up in the face of adversity and know that knowing who you and what you are is a gift that some people spend their entire lives trying to figure out. That our differences should be celebrated, and that being gay alone doesn’t define who you are. Surround yourself with friends and family who support you. Lean on them. Use resources including the Trevor Project, GLSEN and local PFLAG and Gay & Lesbian Centers. You are not alone. It gets better.

The Linster: This subject is very close to my heart for reasons I wrote about at OneMoreLesbian. So hop over to that, then keep this phrase close: “Can you wait until Friday?”

Every day is new – give yourself another day. Things really do get better — I promise.

Grace Chu: When I was a teen – 13 or 14 – I didn’t believe that a day would come when I wouldn’t have to go to school again. Sure, I knew what the term “graduation” meant, but it was as remote and abstract to me as, say, “winning Powerball” or “finding a leprechaun.” It seemed so far away that it seemed fictional. For me, school was my life. Having to see the same classmates, many of whom were degenerates and possibly criminals, for a very long time – possibly forever – seemed like my destiny.

I graduated. And then I went to high school, which segregated the AP class students from everyone else, so everyone around me was gunning to get out of the small town in the south too. It got better. And then I threw myself into my coursework and extracurricular activities to avoid my hardass disciplinarian parents so I could get into a good school far, far away where I could have some semblance of freedom. I didn’t think the constant browbeating and maximum security prison-like home environment would end.

Four years later I was in New England having a ton of fun in a very good school full of hyperactive nerds and geeks. I fit in. It was terrific. It got better. It’s even better now. I live in New York City. I have good friends. I can walk down the street and have a freshly made sandwich at 3 a.m. Every possible beer in the world is available in this city, including German rauchbier. I don’t sleep on a futon anymore. Life is excellent.

Now I can’t even remember the names of my junior high school classmates. I don’t remember the teachers. I don’t remember much of anything from that period. There are distant memories of two bullies who would heckle me in the hallway, but those memories are too fuzzy for me to talk about in length.

It will happen to you too. Hang in there. It gets better.

Megan Hargroder: My advice for teens dealing with bullying: Get online. The internet was my sole refuge as a queer teenager in a small, conservative town. There are countless blogs and forums with people just like you, talking about what they’re going through. Make friends with these people; support them and let them support you. Being gay and being harassed for it is not your entire life; focus on what you love and be great at it.

Karman Kregloe: When Trish sent around this topic suggestion, my first thought was of what I would like to be able to tell my younger self if I could climb into a time machine for a brief visit with her (really brief, then get me OUT of there!).

I knew I was gay when I was really young, and before I had the language to articulate the difference that I felt. There weren’t many out “role models” in the public eye at the time, and those that I presumed were gay (and later had it confirmed) weren’t women I wanted to be like or even women I found attractive. I felt very alone and different in my small town world, and couldn’t imagine there was anyone else like me or for me.

Of course I was wrong, and that’s what I wish someone could have told me when I was a youngster/teenager. So I would say the same thing now to any young lesbian who is struggling with being gay and/or being harassed or threatened about it. You aren’t alone, there a lot of other people like you and you will find them. They will become your second family and they will help you figure out how to be you in the world. These people are smart, interesting and throw really good parties. There’s nothing “wrong” with you. The thing that makes you different is the thing that makes you spectacular. Also, you will find someone to date, love, maybe even marry, if that’s your thing. You will probably find quite a few of them, and later, they will probably all have dated each other. But that’s a different story. The point is that regardless of what homophobic people might want you to think, or what you hardly ever see represented in the media, LGBTQ people can live happy, exciting and fulfilling lives crammed with all of the same milestones, accomplishments and love that straight people experience. Maybe even more!

If you can get through this period in which you don’t have the financial freedom or personal autonomy to fully be yourself, hang in there. That time will come, and the life you make will have been worth the wait.

Bridget McManus: Dear Gay Youth, I know sometimes life can be extra difficult for us in the LGBT community. But I want you to know that I love you and know what you’re going through. As a teen I was bullied because I am gay, I lost friends because I am gay and for a short period of time my own mother didn’t speak to me because I am gay. I, myself, called a suicide hotline during my freshmen year of college because I needed help and felt so alone. I was lucky enough to get that help and with it I realized that no one is allowed to take my power. I promise you that life does get so much better, so never give up.

Each of you are special and you are greatly need on this earth to help build the future of the LGBT community. If you are ever feeling lost and want to harm yourself, tell someone. There are tremendous organizations that want to help you. There are LGBT centers throughout the country, there are suicide hotlines, there are online communities such as the lesbian website AfterEllen.com (the gay brother site is called AfterElton.com)

Thirteen years ago, I felt lost and today I am married to a terrific woman, my sister (who is also gay) is married to a terrific woman and my family is beyond supportive and loves me and has no issue with me being gay. I am a success story and proof that being gay is a great gift.

Mia Jones:

 

Dara Nai-bad machine: During my tenure with AfterEllen, and especially when “We’re Getting Nowhere” and “Dara and Karman’s Hitlist” were in production, I have met many amazing readers and viewers. Some, especially younger fans, have shared their questions and concerns about coming out. And the first sentence out of my mouth has always been, “It gets better.” The second is usually, “No, I don’t know Tegan and Sara.”

We say, “It gets better,” because it’s mostly true. Well, that’s all good and happy as a pocket full of rainbows, but until then, what? What do we do while wait for laws to change, for society to evolve, for a film version of Buffy the Vampire Slayer? I’m no expert, but I think the answer might be: Do the best you can. If you’re courageous, speak out. If you hate your small town, plot your escape. If you’re ambitious, study hard and be successful. Nothing pisses off conservatives like smart, successful gay people. And if you’re gorgeous and rich, send me your number. Not for me. For a friend.

I have faith we all find our way because we’re awesome and the only thing constant is change. And apparently, The Real L Word. Time is going to go by anyway; what are you going to do with it? In conclusion, be patient, remember to have fun, and if you’re really lucky, it’ll get so much better, someday you might find yourself sitting next to Kristen Stewart and Joan Jett, asking them questions about kissing girls.

Trish Bendix: I have a secret to tell you: I love being gay. I feel privileged to be a lesbian. Seriously, I can’t even imagine being straight. I think I’d be super boring. I once had a friend that, when she came around me and all my fabulous lesbian pals, would say “Just because you’re gay doesn’t mean that your better than me!” Of course she was joking, but she could see it: Being queer is cool.

When you think of the tastemakers and all the amazingly creative people that ever been in this world, they are the ones that have dabbled in, been rumored to, or have fully committed to being gay: from Virginia Woolf to Frida Kahlo to Ellen DeGeneres. So one piece of advice: Own it. Live it. Love it. If someone calls you a dyke, say “Wow, you are master of stating the obvious!” Promptly direct them to the closest anti-discrimination act that exists in your school, town, city, state, workplace and fold your arms sassily.

Being gay isn’t just OK; it’s awesome. Embrace it. And something I always keep with me: “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt.

We know we’re not the only ones with advice for young gay women. Please, readers, offer yours below.

Lesbian Apparel and Accessories Gay All Day sweatshirt -- AE exclusive

Related Articles

Leave a Reply

Back to top button