Due to popular demand, it appears it is now time to address the question that’s on all your lovely lips: What is the correct etiquette for asking another lady out? My goodness, aren’t you all such polite little romantics? Any gay lady would be lucky to have you. With that thought firmly in mind, let us discuss a variety of methods one may employ in order to obtain a date whilst still maintaining a degree of lady-like dignity in the terrifying face of possible rejection.
Polite Suggestion Number One: The “Stealth Attack” Date Perfect for the most decorous and unassuming of gay ladies, this method is also known as “the date that no one knows is a date until after the date is over.” Simply put, this method involves the careful use of layer upon layer of obfuscation until it is entirely unclear exactly what it is one is asking for. The Stealth Attack is particularly appropriate if one is unsure as to whether the object of one’s affections is in fact interested, or even of the gay lady persuasion at all. To employ this method successfully, one must imagine one is not a gay lady oneself – that is, that one is not remotely ridden with nerves or lustful desires whatsoever – and can therefore breezily suggest a “catch-up” or “to hang out” because is there a lady amongst us who is immune to the idea of making a new lady friend? Oh my god no, a date? Is that what you thought this was? What a hilarious misunderstanding! Blush. Once you have ensnared your unsuspecting non-date into spending time with you at an appropriately non-date-like activity, it is now time to Stealth Attack her with the full brunt of your gay lady charm, wit and all round irresistibility, with the desired outcome being that the lady in question will collapse at your feet, quite faint with the hope that your second non-date will in fact be an actual date.
Stealth Attack Etiquette Tip: Please note that suggesting that you “Y’know, whatever, like, hang out sometime” and then presenting the lady in question with a candlelit dinner, complete with serenading Italian waiting staff is undoubtedly an incorrect move, both from an etiquette standpoint and in terms of your likelihood of success. Instead, aim for a more neutral, appropriately friend-like scenario that is still ripe for unexpected romantic moments, such as engaging in a (ladylike but sufficiently sweaty) sporting match, studying (the works of Sappho) together, or perhaps spending a delightful afternoon alphabetising your DVD/book collection, hunting for your lost cat (be sure to hide him somewhere whimsical first), or simply partaking in a wholesome fermented hops beverage at your local Just Good Friends Bar & Tavern. Polite Suggestion Number Two: The “Any Excuse to Get Them in Your House” Date The smoothness of this technique was illustrated perfectly by the well-known gay lady handbook that is the movie Bound. Any gay lady worth her salt now knows that dropping an earring down the sink, requesting assistance to move large items of furniture or repair appliances around the home will instantly result in smoking hot lady-on-lady action.
Polite Suggestion Number Three: The “We Simply Must Stop Meeting Like This!” Date Also referred to colloquially as “stalking.” Gay ladies (as all natural obsessives) excel at this form of seduction. Simply show up at places you know she’ll be – her favourite club nights, her friends’ parties, her place of work, the front doorstep of her home, or amongst the foliage outside her bedroom window – and watch as she delights wholeheartedly in the wonderful surprise of your completely random and coincidental presence, over and over and over again, until she eventually realises it’s meant to be/breaks up with that pesky long term girlfriend/boyfriend and falls happily into your arms, without you having to do anything weird or scary like ask her out at all.
Note to those considering suggestion three: A restraining order, despite popular gay lady belief, is not in fact a sign of affection. If one is issued to you, remember to work harder on your subtlety next time around. Polite Suggestion Number Four: Man Up. Now, ladies, since we’re getting to know each other a little, let me take the liberty of sharing a single, small intimate communication with you. The best, most memorable, cleverest pick-up line I personally have ever received (aside, obviously, from “I need your most urgent help to fix my failed heating”) went like this:
“Hi. My name’s ______. I think you’re hot. Can I buy you a drink?”
Simple, confident, polite and therefore, completely irresistible; I would have said yes to that drink if she’d looked like Frankenstein and had the breath to match.
Burning etiquette questions? Tweet Ruth! @RuthCallander
