“The Real L Word” minicap: Episode Four “Gambling with Love”

This week’s “Lesbionics for Dummies” lesson is about lesbian sex. What is it, exactly? Mikey says it’s a lot of work and involves push-ups, leg lifts and hanging from light fixtures. It’s a full body work out, really. Whitney reports it’s “anything you want it to be,” much like her idea about relationships and dating.

Tracy describes frottage but assures the Fire Marshall that rubbing two vags together will not start a fire. Actually, it might. Good thing we have built-in sprinklers. Nikki admits she’s a big fan of the multiple O, because “We’re not one-hit wonders. We can go and go.” Good job, Jill.

Jill explains that women have many tools at their disposal, including, but not limited to, hands and mouths. “That’s the reason your girlfriend will leave your ass for me,” Rose warns, “It’s a little bit more than you sticking your d–k in her p—y.” What a poet.

Today, Nikki and Jill invite two dress designers to their home to talk about wedding attire. Nikki has changed her mind about wearing a pant suit and now wants to feel like the femme bride she so clearly is. They’re shown some sketches of simple, flow-y dresses and gush with approval. After the designers leave, Jill and Nikki jump up and down in unison with a giddiness rarely seen outside a Justin Beiber concert.

Nikki reiterates she doesn’t care what the price tags will be because her middle name is “Gucci.” Having seen their fine home and feeling Nikki’s Gucci vibe, the designers are at the end of the driveway, jumping up and down, too.

While Nikki and Jill monitor their investment portfolio, Whitney is at home working with her roomie, Alyssa. She tells her that she stayed at Romi’s place last night.

Whitney: But, we didn’t have full sex.
Alyssa: Your definition of “full sex” is a little hairy.
Whitney: Why is that?
Alyssa: I don’t know. You tell me. What is “full sex”?
Whitney: We like … we didn’t have, like, oral sex exchange, and stuff.
Alyssa: You have no self-control.

Thank you, Captain Obvious.

Alyssa is tired of watching her cousin, Tor, walk around the house with “sad face” and tells Whitney it’s time to be upfront with her. As one of her exes, Alyssa should know better than anyone that Whitney’s only mission is to hone in on female body heat.

Meanwhile, Natalie has asked Rose for help updating her hair dresser resume. Rose notices her old address and asks if she wants to update it using their address, or her mother’s address. “Well, where do I live?” Natalie asks, with all the self-awareness of a newborn.

Even Rose shakes her head in disbelief. Nikki’s middle name may be Gucci, but Natalie’s is The Gap. Between her ears.

Out in the desert, Mikey is driving to Vegas for a big trade show. With her, are her two straight minions: Cecie, the intern, and Shanna, her assistant. It doesn’t matter if your gay, straight, or a female country singer, wherever there are girls together, the conversation eventually turns to sex.

Because she’s basically a dude, Mikey says she used to think sex meant either penetration or an orgasm. As she chews on what might be beef jerky, she admits she’s not sure where toe-banging falls on the continuum. The straight girls are no help, so Mikey calls Raquel for her definition of sex. Unprompted, Raquel immediately mentions finger-banging. Two women. One mind.

Stamie tells us that when she was 29-years-old, she decided she’d rather make good money than perform comedy at laundromats and book stores, waiting for her big break. That’s when she became a real estate agent. During a house walk-through with Tracy and her male real estate partner, the question of sex comes up again. But the show is not scripted.

Honest.

For the guy, it’s clear: “slept together” equals intercourse. Stamie cracks that all she and Tracy do is cuddle and motorboat. Without a penis as a reference point, everyone – including these lesbians – seems flummoxed about what constitutes sex. How you define sex is up to you. Which explains straight “virgins” with no gag reflex. And Whitney.

When Mikey arrives in Vegas, she finds out what a little name dropping will get you; the Luxor has upgraded the LA Fashion Week producer to a suite fit for King Tut, replete with a full bar, a spacious living room, and a pool table.

Having escaped poverty with nothing but her dreams and a schlong, Mikey’s never seen such opulence. She plays with the remote control curtains and calls Raquel to tell her all about it. Raquel is excited, too, and will see it for herself, because she’s flying in later that night. Mikey’s elation runs amok when she instructs Shanna and Cecie to find her a wedding chapel. Their mouths hang open in shock. Now would be a good time to ask for a raise, girls.

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