How to Be a Gay Lady – Manners for the Modern Lesbian: Lesson Three


Lesson Three: How to come out to your friends and family.

As all of you delightful ladies know perfectly well, there are a variety of methods by which one may come to join the ever popular cult of the Gay Lady. These include (but are not limited to) Conversion, Epiphany, Logical Choice and Being Born. Likewise, there are a full range of tried and true options available to you when you decide to share the wondrous news with those people fortunate enough to be around you during this exciting stage in your life. Let’s discuss these options together now shall we?

Method One: The Mailing Campaign

Historically speaking, gay ladies have always excelled at the mailing campaign. Whether it be to save the rare edible tree-frog or to remind others to reject patriarchal control as evidenced by the phallic shaped bread rolls served in the university cafeteria, the mailing campaign has had a long-time friend in the gay lady. As such, it may be reliably utilised to announce one’s newfound love of the ladies in a simple yet elegant move that may save you many a tedious and long-winded conversation in person. Simply insert your personal details into the following form letter I have prepared for your convenience.

I _____(your name here)____, take great pleasure in announcing that I am a _________(insert your currently most favoured sexuality label here – or limit your reason for rejecting such labels to a concise 700 words and staple it to the back)_____.

All letters of congratulations/flowers/gifts/monetary rewards for my courage and self-awareness will of course be gratefully accepted. Please direct any enquiries to my gay lady representative.


Yours gaily,

_____(Insert lipstick [or chapstick] kiss here)_____

This letter can then be mailed en masse to your family, friends, neighbors, extended relatives, lovers (past and present), colleagues, classmates, employer/employees, the lady at the post office, the nice old man across the street and your crush from kindergarten.

If one is a thrifty gay lady, converting this process into a poster campaign may save on postage costs. Simply select a stylish photograph showing one’s good side, title it appropriately and print enough copies to attach to every telephone pole in the neighbourhood. Alternatively, a single can of good quality spray paint may convey the same message if one is concise.

At any rate, the creation of mailing or poster campaigns alike have been primarily favoured by the gay lady for one simple reason: nothing brings all the ladies to your yard like a good cause. Invite every gay lady you know to join you for an afternoon of folding announcements and stamping envelopes. Create a simple yet elegant array of vegan snacks and the lesbians will soon arrive of their own accord, allowing plenty of opportunities for networking and otherwise engaging with the other delightful gay ladies in your social circle. Indeed, who knows what may follow? In this way the mailing campaign has a distinct advantage over its more modern decedent — the Facebook cause invitation — which whilst possibly more time-effective distinctly lowers your chances of getting laid.

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