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L.A. Scene June 2010: NewNowNext Awards and Los Angeles Pride

L.A. Scene is a monthly column that chronicles lesbian nightlife and events of interest in Los Angeles. Sarah Witness, an East Coast transplant and obvious femme, has been navigating the snark infested waters of Hollywood since 2001. Although she’s an NYU trained actress, she prefers sipping vodka and making idle chit-chat at really gay nightclubs.

NewNowNext Awards

It’s not every day that you find RuPaul, Peter Gallagher and Jersey Shore‘s Snooki in the same venue. This is why I ventured downtown – a place I normally reserve for contesting parking tickets – to attend Logo’s NewNowNext Awards. The ceremony was held at the way too-cool-for-school lounge and one-time power plant The Edison. The building is 100 years old, which is unheard of for Los Angeles where newer is always better. (Think Moulin Rouge.)

The awards are perhaps the liveliest and most scattered of award shows, with honorees including everyone from totally obscure webmasters, to full-blown celebs. The hosts were Broadway darling Cheyenne Jackson and actress/hostess Niecy Nash. They opened with a bit where Niecy confuses Jackson with that other gay/singer/dancer/award show host Neil Patrick Harris, and proceeded to refer to him as Neil for the rest of the show. Apparently the bit was convincing, as I just researched the awards to make sure I had my facts straight and I see that a number of bloggers believe it was actually Harris who hosted.

I made the mistake of venturing to the bathroom just as the show began. I could have gone earlier but I was busy shoving my face with complimentary cheese and pita bread. The only way out of the bathroom was the narrow hallway leading to the stage. I was trapped there until the next commercial break, desperately trying not to step on the flowing taffeta of the drag queens on deck.

The insanely gorgeous RuPaul presented the “OMFG” award to a website called “Lesbians who look like Justin Bieber.” Need I explain?

Aisha Tyler joked about being six feet tall and frequently mistaken for a drag queen. Her height was quite apparent when Snooki joined her onstage with Johnny Weir to hear the results of the “Most Addictive Reality Star” award. Snooki literally came up to Aisha’s hip. Average-height Johnny Weir won.

Carmen Electra introduced “Brink of Fame Music Artist” nominee Little Boots, who looked like Cyndi Lauper and wore golden underpants.

Alec Mapa passionately made out with Cheyenne before presenting Michelle Collins with the award for “Brink of Fame Comic.” (She beat out crowd favorite Liz Feldman.)

Candis Cayne presented the dubious award for “Best Future Feature; an award given to a movie that has yet to be released or even screened by the judges. Peter Gallagher accepted the award on behalf of the film Burlesque. Salt, starring Angelina Jolie was also nominated but I’m guessing she wasn’t willing to trek downtown to accept an award – not that award shows are ever rigged or anything.

A pre-recorded video explained that Pricewaterhouse Coopers (the famous vote tallying guys with briefcases) was out of Logo’s price range. Kylie Minogue appeared onscreen to personally count the votes. Singer Shantelle performed her song “Impossible,” which I’m pretty sure is already a hit. Either that or it’s just catchy.

Snooki, Ross Mathews and The Situation presented the award “Cause You’re Hot” to Jesus Luz. Betty White was also nominated but who stands a chance against a guy who dated Madonna and is also named Jesus?

A spoof of OMFG nominee website ChatRoulette featured Adam Lambert, Cloris Leachman and George Takei.

Actress Erin Cummings presented the award for “Brink of Fame Actor” to Lea Michele. In case you live under a rock, Lea plays Rachel on a little show called Glee. I’m pretty sure she’s surpassed the “brink” of fame but who cares? She’s awesome. She gave a great pre-recorded acceptance speech.

Janice Dickinson presented the award for “Best New Indulgence.” Ke$ha and the show Hoarders were both nominated. That they were in the same category is more than a little creepy in my book. “The Split” of Ru Paul’s Drag Race won. She did a split.

The “Best Show You’re Not Watching” award went to Archer. They were right – I’d never even heard of it. Aisha Tyler accepted.

Mena Suvari introduced performer Dan Black. He was good. Where has Mena been?

Perez Hilton appeared onstage with blue hair and a matching suit. He presented the “Always Next, Forever Now” award to Paula Abdul. Paula looked lovely and was completely lucid. A montage of her career highlights played onscreen. It took us back to a time when singers could dance and straight ladies wore ties.

The final award for “Brink of Fame Music Artist” was presented by Kelly Osbourne and Johnny Weir. Swedish pop sensation Agnes won.

After the ceremony the party began, which is to say that the celebs who had been forced to sit in chairs during the taping were free to come join the riff raff such as myself at the open bar. Even more cheese and pita appeared, as did most of the cast of The Real L Word, who were all worked up about “The Situation.” I think they meant the Jersey Shore “Situation” but maybe they have their own “Situation.” Guess we’ll see.

I tried to take a picture of Real L Word Tracy’s heels but the powers that be freaked out about photos. I did manage to get a picture of a woman who was inexplicably carrying around a large wooden owl. Always good to leave on a high note.

L.A. Pride

On Friday, while the dykes marched, I wandered around BevMo. I understand there were parties at HERE Lounge which bookended the event. There was also the usual Friday night at Girl Bar which was unusually crowded. Most if not all of the Real L Word cast showed up – yes, including Tracy. The march itself included Dykes on Bikes, a marching band, people promoting various films, and a few unaffiliated lesbians.

My girlfriend’s birthday had the nerve to coincide with Pride this year. We decided to have a giant party on Saturday night with the idea being that people would be in town. We also figured folks would go away at a reasonable hour so they could rest up for the next day. (Saturday is sort of the off-night for lesbians on Pride weekend, sandwiched between Friday’s Dyke March and Sunday’s parade/day of drunkenness.)

Saturday I spent the day leaf blowing my yard every hour in preparation for the party. I missed a number of performances at the festival, including Kelis, En Vogue, Martha Davis and The Motels and Kelly Rowland. I hear En Vogue was particularly excellent.

Nobody left at a reasonable hour. I made it to bed at 4 a.m. I got up around 9:00 to eat some cheesecake, then passed out again. I awoke around 11:00 to the sound of my cat overturning a giant glass vase of party flowers.

So while I was home picking shards of glass out of an area rug, the parade wound its way along Santa Monica Blvd. Sharon and Kelly Osbourne were the Grand Marshals. Grand they are, but seriously, why is the Grand Marshal never gay? I was sorry to miss the parade. I always love the PFLAG parents best. Also, people hand out useless but free things and who doesn’t love a gift?

I managed to get my act together and make it to Haute by mid-afternoon. Co-promoted by Girl Bar and Fuse (shocking!), this was the big lesbian party of the day. Haute is across the street from the Abbey in the space briefly occupied by Apple. A number of anticipatory rescue vehicles were parked between the two establishments. Always a good sign.

Haute was teeming with women to the point where we could only walk sideways. I wear sneakers in public only on Pride and therefore, managed to keep my balance. The Girl Bar dancers writhed in the sunlight and one poured shots down her body which crouching patrons lapped up. There is no way that is sanitary.

Ilene Chaiken appeared, having just introduced Real L Word cast members Mikey, Rose and Whitney at the Festival. There are conflicting reports about whether they were also at Haute. I heard Ilene had to pay the cover charge. I guess they wanted her to have a “real” lesbian experience. I got in for free.

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