“Pretty Little Liars” mini-cap (1.03): Alison was like, “Emily, I can’t invite you. I think you’re a lesbian.”


I’ve been seeing this girl — let’s call her Gossip Girl — for about three years, and she’s a good time. I mean, mostly. In the beginning she was so smart and sexy and funny (on purpose and also not on purpose), but last year things between us got really weird. She got kind of dumb and self-indulgent and she kept looking at herself in the mirror, all, “Now you’re in New York — concrete jungle where dreams are made of.” And never finishing the thought. Made of what, Gossip Girl? Made of what?

I would go weeks without seeing her, then show up on a Sunday afternoon to catch-up and pretend nothing was wrong. Things got good between us again before she went away for the summer because I could tell she was really trying, you know? But since she’s been gone, I’ve met someone — let’s call her Pretty Little Liars — and I’m starting not to care if my Gossip Girl ever comes back from Paris. That’s harsh, right? Am I being unfaithful? Should I just cut and run off with Mr. Gilbert Pretty Little Liars? Oh, teen drama! You persnickety little mistress!

The PLLs are tromping through the woods in the exact opposite of the

kind of attire one should wear when tromping through the woods, because

last week Emily cried when she realized she wants to cruise chicks. Her

mom thought she was crying again because Alison is dead, and she

suggested her friends find a way to remember her. So the PLLs decide to

build a full-on Alison shrine, which is: a) Just the kind of shit

Alison would come back from the dead to witness, and b) A good way to

get yourself killed.

To wit:

Guys, what if Jenna is a robot and Sophia from Skins makes a cameo on this show? What if Sophia is “A”? THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE SHRINE!

The PLLs hear some sticks snap and Spencer says it’s just a rabbit, and Aria wants to get the frak back to civilization, and Hanna is like, “Dudes, I told you “A” is a zombie.” And Emily is all, “So, making out with zombies — are there like rules for that?” They get an AliBlast and it’s the creepiest one yet: Heads up, BFFs. It’s open season on liars … and I’m hunting.

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