We begin right where we left off — with Bill facing off against some wolves. They turn into people, right after he’s apparently ravaged them. The now naked men are injured or dead, except for two.
A vampire comes along on a horse, telling the werewolves they were supposed to escort Bill, not attack him. Bill makes fun of one of them, whose name is Cooter. Who can take a guy named Cooter seriously when he’s standing in the forest in the nude?
Dude on the horse is the Vampire King of Mississippi, Russell Edgington, aka the male equivalent of Queen Sophie-Ann a state over. He has less sex appeal, obviously.
The King apologizes for having werewolves attack Bill, who also tells on them for drinking his blood. The King shoots one dead (not Cooter) and puts Bill on the back of his horse, ordering him to come back to his estate.
So far it appears that werewolves are only male. Let’s hope this isn’t the case. I’ve seen enough naked man butts this season already.
Lafayette breaks into his bathroom where Tara is trying to down pills. Her mom is trying to go to the hospital with them, but Lafayette goes all diva on her. "You have failed this girl for the last time!"
Sookie and Jessica go to Fangtasia, in hopes Eric can help them track down the werewolves who kidnapped Bill.
Pam steals Jessica way for a moment. "Let’s go to the ladies room and stare at ourselves in the mirror."
Jessica jumps at the chance to ask Pam how to feed off someone but not kill them. Pam can’t believe Bill didn’t teach her that. Jessica admits Bill doesn’t want her to feed on people, so Pam gives her the details she’s looking for: "It’s in the heartbeat. You feel it in the blood. And when it slows, you stop."
Jessica asks, "But how do you stop?" Pam has it on lock: "I think about crying children and soggy diapers. Also maggots." That would work for me! That or naked man butts.
Eric takes his alone time with Sookie seriously, using it to tell her Bill isn’t worth the time and energy she’s putting into finding him. "Your life’s too valuable to throw away," he tells her.
Sookie starts to cry and give Eric a guilt trip because she went to help him find Godric when he needed her. Jessica returns and says Sookie has to get her home before dawn, so they leave. Just then, Eric flashes back to 1945 Germany, while he was a soldier with Godric and they were attacked by a werewolf — a naked lady one!
He tries to kill her. Rude.
Bill is greeted by the King’s partner, Talbot, at his palace. By partner, I mean his gay lover. Duh.
He tells Bill he just redecorated the guest room, which is light-tight and has a 100 percent silver door, meaning Bill cannot escape. Bill does not appreciate his room.
Tara and Lafayette are in the car, and Tara makes him pull over, begging him to not take her to the hospital where she knows she’ll be committed for being crazy and suicidal. Lafyette says "Bitch, you tried to kill yourself!" She can’t argue with that logic. He’s pissed she tried to off herself because he doesn’t want to be left on earth without her. He tells her there’s "something she needs to see." Foreshadow!
Sookie drops Jessica at home, where Hoyt waits outside. He brought her some True Blood: "B positive. I thought you might be hungry." Jessica is still worried about the dead body in her basement so she turns Hoyt away. He just doesn’t understand! Tantrum!
Back at home, Sookie gets scared when she hears someone behind her. She ends up kicking the intruder in "the family junk." It’s Jason.
"It’s 5 a.m. What are you doing eating my chicken in the dark?" she asks her brother.
Jason came over to clean up Sookie’s house, saying "I figured you’d be with Bill." Sookie breaks down. Flash forward to her helping him clean the house, telling him about werewolves. He wants to know if Big Foot and Santa are also real. Sookie has no idea but she does say she keeps expecting Bill to come through the door and say, "SOOKEH!" And she does it, just like he does. Perfectly meta.
Both Jason and Sookie feel responsible for Eggs’ death. Sookie helped Eggs recall all the murders he committed before he turned himself into Andy, which was when Jason shot him to death. So technically, it’s both of their faults. Don’t tell Tara.
Sam finally shows his face, and it’s with a gun pointed at it. He’s outside his biological parents’ house, and he is ushered inside, still by gun point by his brother, Tommy, and he tells his mom he met her "34 years ago."
Instantly, they know who he is: The shape-shifting son they gave away to a rich family that they thought could provide a better life for him. Tommy had no idea he had a sibling.
Sam’s mom is a shifter, but his dad wasn’t. They weren’t sure if he would end up being one, but his brother is. Sam tells the story of how the Merlottes left him at age 15.
Back in Bon Temps, a werewolf visits Sookie outside Merlotte’s, but disappears once Terry comes outside.
Lafayette brings Tara to a mental hospital, and she is pissed. But suddenly she realizes they are there to visit Lafayette’s mom, a hateful, homophobic racist who says God killed her son because "he’s a faggot." She’s so sweet and senile.
The worker, Jesus, is Mexican and Ruby says "But he hasn’t raped me yet" and calls him a wet back. He shrugs it off, but seems to enjoy meeting Lafayette. Foreshadow again!
Tara understands that she doesn’t want to end up like Ruby Dee. Lafayette threatens he will get her a room right next to his mama if she doesn’t clean up her act. Tara says she’s got it.
Sookie is at Merlottes and tells Terry a secret: Eric is helping to find Bill, who is missing. He says he’s no good with secrets, but Sookie convinces him otherwise, telling him he doesn’t give himself enough credit. She gives him a pep talk and tells him he needs to tell Arlene how he feels about her, that people run out of time and chances to say what they love about others. He gives her a gun and asks if she knows how to use one. "I ain’t that blonde," she says.
Terry stops her before she leaves to get back to work. "I’ve always liked you and I’d miss you if you got killed, just so you know." Well at least he listens.
Sam and his new bro start talking and get into a "Whose life is more f—-d" contest. Sam tells his bro that he wins if it means that much to him. I’d say it’s a tie.
They decide to go for a run, aka shift into their chosen animals. Sam is a collie, his bro is a pitbull. Natch. The pitbull leads the collie into the road, right before a truck is coming around the bend. But when the pitbull turns into a bird to fly away, the collie barely makes it to the side of the road, where he turns back into Sam, the naked man.
That wasn’t very brotherly at all.
Jessica Lysols the crap out of Bill’s house. It smells like dead human in there.
Luckily, Bill isn’t home. He’s being courted by the King of Mississippi to become a sheriff of part of the state — the only cactus plant. The King tells Bill he wants to marry Queen Sophie-Ann, which would mean they’d live as beards for each other, forever and ever. "For the moment she says no," the king says. He says Bill needs to help change her mind. Um, is Bill going to take her to ex-gay conversion therapy? It won’t work, King. I don’t see her visiting the Fellowship of the Sun anytime soon.
An unknown figure is searching through files in an office, and they turn up a family tree of the Stackhouses, with Sookie’s name circled. There’s also newspaper clippings and stalkery photos of her. So when the next shot is Sookie sitting at home with gun in hand, it’s not surprising. Everyone wants a piece of her!
She hears something outside and it’s Eric. Speaking of stalkery.
Eric admits he lied to Sookie when he said earlier he had never met a werewolf. He tells her the story of when he met the female back in Germany. "They are organized, well-funded, highly-trained werewolves bred with vampire blood," Eric explains. "And now they’re coming for you." Eric says he wants to keep her out of danger.
"You’re going to invite me in so I can protect you. Or have passionate primal sex with you," he says to Sookie. She doesn’t say no right away. "You’re not going to distract me by talking nasty," she eventually responds. She won’t invite him in. "I’m still Bill’s."
Bill is still eating fancy bloody courses at the King’s. The King and Talbot talk about Sophie-Ann: She’s an eccentric, according to the King. But Talbot prefers to call her "mad as a monkey in a trunk." He is obviously jealous of the King’s interest in her.
Bill continues to refuse being sheriff. The King says he’ll bring Sookie into this mess and Bill instantly bares his fangs.
Time out for one of the cutest parts of this episode: Terry takes Sookie’s advice and tells Arlene why he thinks he would be great for her kids. Reason one: "I found a baby armadillo on the side of the road. I nursed it and now it sleeps on the side of my bed. And it’s name is Felix." Adorbs. Arlene appreciates it, but she can’t stop throwing up (morning sickness).
Up front, Tara is approached by a British vampire. He is looking for a True Blood and she asks if he’s a friend of Bill’s. He’s not; she says she’s not. Then when they show his cowboy boots, they’re instantly recognizable as the figure in the house looking for the Sookie info.
The intensity continues when we go back to Jessica ,who’s trying to find the dead body (to cut up with her rented chainsaw). But he’s gone. Who the hell would come and steal the dead dude’s body?
Andy is going to drive drunk Jason home from Merlottes when he hears a call about a drug bust on the radio. They drive to the scene, where Jason spots a blonde chick in the background. He follows her to ask if she’s alright but she runs away. Then Jason sees someone running away from the house, and he pins him to the ground. "I got me a drug dealer," he says proudly.
Tara has now moved her drinking outside the bar, where two rednecks come out and start talking trash about Eggs and begin to pee on the spot where he was shot.
You don’t mess with Tara May. She punches one of them and the British vamp is instantly there to help hold the other one back. Tara goes nuts with her fist, letting her anger out on the racist human punching bag. Can’t say I argue with that. I mean, violence is bad.
And look who is back in Bill’s presence: Lorena! His maker appears and Bill freaks out. He launches a lantern at her and she bursts into flames.
At Sookie’s, Eric demands she invite him in — he knows what’s inside. It’s a werewolf, and Sookie’s glad she’s got that gun.
Woo! That was a long one. They’re still packing in quite a bit of story with every character, which makes it fun to watch but even more fun to mini-cap. No, seriously I love TB and I have to say that I’m quite intrigued by the turn these narratives are taking. Why is that vamp stalking Sookie? And why are werewolves feeding off vampire blood? And seriously — is Santa real?