Hailing from the rough-and-tumble deserts of southern Arizona, where one doesn’t have to bother with such trivialities as “coats” or “daylight savings time,” Anna Pulley is a professional tweeter/blogger for Mother Jones and a freelance writer living in San Francisco. Find her at annapulley.com and on Twitter @annapulley.
OK, so there is this girl at my college and she been giving me crazy eye contact. Like if she sees me in the hall, she stares at me. Or from a distance, I’m catching her eye on me. We never speak. I don’t know if it’s because she too nervous because I’m know I’m definitely too nervous.
And when it comes to anything else, I’m very outgoing, but with girls that seem to have an interest in me, I freeze up. It’s probably fear of rejection, but I guess maybe I’m waiting for her to approach me and not the other way around. Also what doesn’t help is that she has a kid so I’m not sure if she is gay or bi or just bi-curious. I have known of her since middle school and haven’t seen her since then. We aren’t friends and have never been friends. My question to you is should I just let it go or is it worth approaching even though she has a kid? Also, if a person is nervous to approach someone in person, do you think e-mail is OK to use or is that creepy?
Anna Says: I’m pretty sure sending an e-mail hasn’t been creepy since about 1977, when “e-mail” was actually morse code. But, regardless, who needs email when you have an in? You went to school together. Sure, it was when everyone was wearing headgear and scrunchies, but still, that is a perfectly acceptable conversation starter and could be -wildly outrageous guess here – why she’s been staring at you in the first place. She probably recognizes you but doesn’t know how she knows you. So yes, talk to her, woman!
Ask her if she still remembers the words to the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air theme song. Ask her if she hated geometry as much as you did. Ask her if she ever used the word “mack” to describe making out with someone – or whatever ridiculous middle school reference you can think of. The possibilities are nearly endless!
One suggestion, don’t start the conversation off with “So what’s with all the eye contact, Starey McLooksalot?” A simple, “Hey, we know each other, right?” will work just fine. And it’s OK to be nervous – that’s part of the thrill.
In terms of the dating-someone-with-a-kid equation, that’s really up to you, but I think you’re putting the U-Haul before the horse a bit, or whatever the expression is. Don’t even worry about that now – focus on forming actual sentences in her presence. Step one. Once you’re acquainted, then you can ask intrusive questions about her sexuality. Step two. If she’s never “tasted the rainbow” so to speak, don’t worry, you are in college after all. Everyone knows that lesbians go with college like IHOP goes with hangovers, like hipsters go with skinny ties, like Tegan goes with Sara, etc. Catch my drift? Good.
Now sally forth, my young co-ed, into the wild blue of awkward hallway conversation. And prosper.
So not only am I breaking up with my girlfriend of two years, but I’m moving from an area in New England where there about three lesbians to San Fran and just know that I am going to turn into a [womanizer]. I’m OK with some playing the field, but am afraid that I really will go all out of control and end up hurting people and relationships. Or it could end up the other way, and since I’ve already got my U-Haul packed, and I don’t want that either.
The major problem is that I haven’t been single for five years (went from one to the other with her) and am salivating at the thought of it while simultaneously freaking the eff out. Any advice? Or you wanna go out sometime?
Anna Says: I’d love to, but ever since my girlfriend and I joined our polyamorous laser tag group (where the ladies shoot to score!), we’re only allowed to go out with other gun-slingers. I can, however, offer you a 10% off coupon for nachos, but only on Wednesdays.
In any case, welcome! And don’t ever call it San Fran again. They flog you for that here, and not in a good way.
Your question reminds me of something that I am guilty of doing all the time, which is worrying about things that haven’t yet happened. But as much fun as it is to endlessly what-if our lives and romantic interests, it doesn’t get us anywhere. Focus on what you can, the now and leave the prophesying to Miss Cleo.
It’s one thing to plan for the future —a la TiVo’ing Grey’s Anatomy if you’re out, or not wearing Spanx when you know you’ll be getting laid — but sadly, when it comes to sexual conquests you could potentially shame, hurt or exploit, you just never know. If only hookups were as predictable as the no-name winners of American Idol the last few seasons, amiright?
If you are honest, respectful and up front about your intentions, chances are you won’t end up hurting anyone. So please, play the field and field some players. Be safe, of course, you never know who else has tagged that laser you’ve been eying. And if you don’t want to see someone again, don’t lie and say you will, even if she has really awesome collection of commemorative spoons.
Do you already have an entourage of exes and friends-with-benefits out here? (If not, I’m currently accepting applications for my coven.) I suppose that could lead to some potential conflicts, but like you said, there are more than three lesbians here, so it shouldn’t be too hard to broaden those horizons.
Also, it’s Pride Month! And there’s a street fair/parade/farmer’s market every weekend, which is all just a ruse for getting drunk at 11 a.m. and trying to hook up with people. Especially the farmer’s market. You wouldn’t believe what someone said to me — it’s too dirty to repeat here, but you can rest assured that no one pickled anyone’s beets that day.
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