Jane Lynch and Lara Embry wed, we pick out some gifts

Did you hear a strange cracking sound around the globe on Monday? If so, that was the sound of millions of lesbians’ hearts breaking because charming funny lady extraordinaire Jane Lynch got married to her girlfriend Lara Embry. Congratulations, happy couple. Here are some Band-Aids for your hearts, everyone else.

Jane met Lara, an accomplished psychologist, at an event for the National Center for Lesbian Rights in May 2009. The couple announced their engagement publicly at the Golden Globes in January. They were married Monday in a small private ceremony at the lesbian-owned Blue Heron Restaurant in Sunderland, Mass., just outside of Northampton. According to US Weekly, about 20 guests dined on duck, sea bass and a three-tiered vanilla cake with chocolate mousse filling. Yum.

Before the wedding, Jane told People magazine that “It’s a great and wonderful thing at the tender age of 49 to have finally found somebody that I want to be with. I’m so lucky … I’m looking forward to spending every day with this woman all the time and we’re making that happen.” We wish the newlyweds nothing but happiness and continued joy.

Though, of course, now comes the difficult task of picking out an appropriate wedding gift. What do you give the women with a million megaphones already? Well, here are a few helpful hints.

1. Monogrammed matching track suits. Don’t fight it, all lesbian couples start to look alike eventually anyway. As an added bonus, Jane won’t have to change her wardrobe for work.

2. An unsubsription to that lifetime U-Haul service contract. You’re married, so no more moving in after the first date.

3. A lifetime supply of pet hair remover instead. Who are we kidding? All gay ladies have pets — or friends with pets.

4. A compilation of all of Jane’s movie roles in one convenient box set. Better than a gym membership because all of the laughing will keep those abs harder than steel.

5. The legal right to marry across the entire United States. This one is long overdue. Get with it, America. Doesn’t this couple, and all other gay couples, deserve to have it official across all 50 states?

Mazel tov, Jane and Lara. And I apologize in advance if any of these gifts actually do make it to your doorstep — well except for the pet hair remover and equal rights. Those are just essential.

UPDATE: The New York Times posted a lovely wedding announcement for the happy couple today featuring an adorable picture of Jane, Lara and their daughter. Click the link and beware the automatic awwww that will happen reflexively.

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