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Great LezBritain: The Top 10 British Ladies We Wish Were Gay, But Aren’t (As Far As We Know)

Thanks to popular British film and television, there is a perception outside Britain that roaming amidst our green fields and cobbled streets are delicate, silver-spooned beauties and post-Henry Eliza Doolittles. While we are on record as being rather fond of the corset – for two reasons – in reality, there is a much more diverse bunch of British ladies turning heads. And a high proportion of them are swigging pints, not tea.

So we are dedicating this column to the introduction and celebration of some of today’s most desirable ladies in dear old Blighty. And because we are gripped by UK election fever, we decided to be democratic about it and sent a Twat out a few days ago asking you to nominate the UK ladies you wish were of a lesbian persuasion.

It would be far too challenging a task to look at this with any deep meaning – we’d have to flick through historical archives, consider decades of actors, musicians, thinkers and writers, and frankly we are knackered from election watch. So instead we have kept it shallow and simple and picked the ladies that you voted for most and added them to some of our own selfish choices.

Before we begin, we must also give honorary mentions to some of the popular choices that would have been involved had the list been a little longer: Nigella Lawson, Emma Thompson, Keira Knightley, Davina McCall, Claudia Winkleman, Rachel Shelley and Lena Headey.

Keeley Hawes – The English rose (Lee’s free pass)

Even if every single one of you had said you disliked Keeley, she would have still made this list because no matter what role she plays, she manages to make it the sexiest TV character of the moment.

We first became acquainted with her when she played the sexiest 19th century lesbian viewers had ever seen as Kitty Butler in the Andrew Davies adaptation of Tipping The Velvet. Post Kitty, she became Zoe, a brilliant MI5 spy in Spooks (its name was changed to MI5 in the US) and today she is reviving eighties kitsch as PC Alex Drake in Ashes To Ashes. Never has a woman looked so good in high waisted trousers, a loose perm and bright blue eye shadow.

Ruta Gedmintas – The one to keep your eye on

She may not have droves of admirers knocking down her door just yet, but after witnessing her on set as heartbreaker Frankie in the forthcoming BBC series Lip Service, we predict a whole lot of lezzy-adoration in Ruta’s future.

We first saw her looking very English rose as King Henry VIII mistress Bessie Blount in The Tudors and gave her not another thought. Since then she has undergone a really authentic lesbian make-under and developed a swagger that could knock Shane’s crown right off her tangled head. Roll on autumn 2010.

Cheryl Cole – The British sweetheart

Back in 2002 Cheryl Cole was just another British reality contestant who then became just another member of British girl band Girls Aloud. But then in 2008, she met a fairy godmother and – Kapoosh! – she was turned into a beautiful princess. Well that didn’t actually happen, but she did meet Simon Cowell and become a judge on X Factor and every week she captivated the nation with a winning combination of truly wonderful shiny teeth and hair, feisty Geordie wit and apparent lack of pretension.

The media were falling over themselves to proclaim her as a national treasure. The Chezza love in Britain has become hardcore: we now hate her cheating husband, we hate the band mate that didn’t call her when the husband cheated, we buy her (not that great) pop tunes and when she appears in shampoo adverts, the nation collectively agrees, “Yes Chez, you bloody are worth it.”

Archie Panjabi – The one bigger abroad than at home

Panjabi has popped up in many film and television roles over the last ten years, including the comedy film East is East, the Oscar-winning The Constant Gardener and playing one of the few non-football enthusiasts in lesbian favourite Bend It Like Beckham. However she has recently caught many a lesbian’s eye as Kalinda Sharma in The Good Wife.

This Indian beauty brings a tough, cool temperament and unflappable demeanor to the show. While hints have been laid down about Kalinda’s sexuality, no physical evidence has been seen yet but we do await it with bated breath.

Fiona Bruce – The smart and sexy one (Sarah’s free pass)

Over the last couple of days, we have barely slept due to our election addiction. And one woman has boosted our reserves more than anything else. She is the BBC news reader Fiona Bruce. Even when the news is on a cycle of repetition, it somehow seems much better when it is delivered by Fiona and her trademark arched eyebrows.

As well as being incredibly easy on the eye, Bruce is also one who could be a very valuable member on your pub quiz team. She has a degree in modern languages and is now the most senior female newsreader in the country and she is a committed feminist. We like her so much we might even start watching the Antiques Road Show, which she took over at the end of last year. Considering this show is at times so boring it could be trialed as a possible cure for insomnia, this tells you much about Bruce’s magnetic appeal.

Karen Gillan – The new assistant (Dr. Who)

We have loved all of the Doctor’s assistants in a purely platonic sense. We loved Rose Tyler and her mum and her love for the Doctor, we loved Martha Jones and her intelligence and how she once single-handedly saved the whole world and we loved Donna Noble and the way she made us laugh. We mourned them all as they separated from the Doctor and we were concerned that we wouldn’t get fourth time lucky.

But of course we needn’t have worried one bit, because this is the BBC and they are very clever. And now they have only gone and given us Amy Pond, the first assistant that we might actually fancy. She is much more sassy and long-legged than her predecessors. and much to the Daily Mail’s horror, she is the first one that has ever tried to shag the Doctor. We approve.

Simone Lahbib – The Governor (a joint second pass)

The love story between Wing Governor Helen Stewart and prisoner Nikki Wade (Bad Girls) provided as much madcap as it did electrifying tension. Simone Lahbib played the sympathetic governess who had a deep-rooted sense of natural justice and an instinctive empathy for those women on the inside.

We watched patiently as she came to terms with her lesbian urges for Nicky and longed for her to delve into unsavoury shenanigans whenever they were in a scene together. We once saw Lahbib in “real life” at the Baftas and ladies she was no disappointment. We refrained from asking her to cuff us.

Lily Loveless & Kathryn Prescott – The modern youth

We know that they are two different people but nearly everyone who tweeted for them chose them both, so as such, they are being given joint billing.

Better known as teenage golden couple Naomily, over the last couple of years Kat and Lily have gone from unknown actresses to being two of the most popular and lusted after lesbian favourites. In the UK they are representative of a new wave of young, contemporary actresses who are combining style, talent and intellect. Along with the rest of the Skins cast, they have the world at their feet and we just hope that their next move will include starring roles in the Skins movie.

Kate Winslet – The Oscar winner

Winslet scored so highly in our Tweet poll that she had to be included within the column, but we must confess, even at the risk of getting our gay membership cards withdrawn, to not fully understanding the Winslet lesby adoration.

She is indeed pretty and articulate and a fine actress and she was hilarious in Ricky Gervais’ Extras so clearly has the British ability to laugh at herself, but isn’t she just a bit too jolly hockey-sticks? Or is that what people are going for? What is it with the Winslet – we are all ears, so please enlighten.

Lenora Crichlow – The wild child

We will always adore Lenora because of her embodiment of Julie Burchill’s character Sugar in Sugar Rush. The series was a rebellious discovery of what it means to be young, sexy and queer in modern Britain and Sugar conveyed a considerable amount of the sexy. Whatever scrapes Sugar managed to escape or land herself in, she did with an undeniable amount of glamour. Even when Sugar landed a job at a candy floss stand, Lenora managed to carry off pink overalls and a straw hat rather nicely.

Lately Lenora has been turning in lovely performances as Annie the Ghost in the BBC3 show Being Human, which we are enjoying a lot. She was also in Material Girl, but let’s not talk about that one word – is that it won’t be back.

“Great LezBritain” authors Sarah, a Londoner, and Lee, a Glaswegian, met in a gay discotheque one bleak mid winter, eight years ago and have been shacked up together ever since. When not watching Tipping The Velvet, they find time to write, run a PR company, DJ at their own club nights and love a bit of jam on toast. Follow them on Twitter at greatlezbritain.

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