CW mini-cap mash-up (March 18): “90210,” “Melrose Place,” “ANTM” and “Gossip Girl”

We’re back with your weekly round-up of all the gay and gay(ish) happenings this week on the CW!

90210 — (2.14): "What’s Past is Prologue"

When last we left the elderly teens of West Beverly, Adrianna was torn out of the frame about Navid getting busted for drugs, and Gia was torn out of the frame about how Mandy Musgrave dumped her, and so they bonded over that — and also over AA. This week, Adrianna has ratcheted up her crazy to that place where she’s like, "He isn’t returning my calls and texts which means he isn’t getting my calls and texts so I should probably just call and text more and more and more and more."

So are we to understand that Adrianna’s transition to lesbian is already complete?

Anyway, she goes stalking over to the Blaze office where Gia is taking a break because Navid still isn’t there, and by "taking a break" I’m pretty sure she means "watching the slideshow I made from your Facebook photos and set to the tune of Tegan and Sara‘s ‘Someday.’"

They talk about how lame they are, and about how getting locked in a metal cage and being pecked at by preying birds still wouldn’t hurt as much as getting dumped. They toast to being pathetic about love and delusional about medieval torture. 

Out in the courtyard, they make a date to watch sad movies. Adrianna literally goes, "The Way We Were, An Affair to Remember, P.S. I Love You?" — which is like saying, "Cognac, Dom Perignon, wine cooler?"

But of course they’re in AA, so maybe that’s a bad analogy.

Mandy wanders up while they’re giggling and asks if she and Gia can talk some time. Gia says sure, and Adrianna squeals that Mandy wants to talk about getting back together, but Gia is like, "Psh, pass me another one of those non-alcoholic wine coolers."

On the roof of West Bev. Mandy tells Gia that she made a terrible mistake, and that she wants her back. She looks a little confused, probably because Spencer always wore trench coats with nothing under them to these make-up sessions. Gia doesn’t respond …

… until she gets to Adrianna’s, where she says that Mandy just wanted to give her stuff back. Adrianna says, "Sweetie, I’m sorry. You are fantastic and wonderful. [Mandy] is an idiot for ever letting you get away."

Gia pulls out some tissues and Doritos and says she’d rather be there with Adrianna anyway. Then she gives her a quick little up-down with her eyes and thinks about how Adrianna called her "sweetie."

God. I would never go back to high school for all the money in all the world.

Next week: Beach time at night time!

Melrose Place — (1.14): "Stoner Canyon"

Ella is still pining after Jonah, who sold his screenplay. She pines while telling him that she’s got an A-list actor, Owen Anderson, lined up for the part. They go to a go-kart track, where Ella pines, to meet Owen Anderson, who wants to meet Riley. This causes Ella to pine jealously. Riley agrees to come to the track, where she loses her freaking mind, because that is her thing, and she tells Ella that Jonah will never love her. And so Ella pines sadly.

Aaaaand I’m officially over this storyline.

America’s Next Top Model — (14.2): "Dreckitude!"

The only reason we watch ANTM — aside from the part where things resembling words come out of Tyra’s mouth — is that we want to see models fall down. Even better, we want to see models get smacked in the bum by a giant swinging pendulum and be catapulted from the runway into the audience.

And we want to see Miss J’s reaction to said smacking.

And, of course, we want to garner life lessons from the advice given to the models: "On the runway, we could see your anger and your sadness, and that’s something you need to keep on the inside."

Gossip Girl — (3.14): "The Lady Vanished"

Waldsen ship status: cuddle!

What was your favorite thing that went down on the CW this week? (Mine was obviously Alexandra on ANTM.)

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