RachelWatch: Rachel Is Disappointed by Ersatz Hooters Offerings

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Today: The anti–health reform contingent takes on some anti-LGBT allies, Republicans wrestle with the series of tubes and, yes, Rachel talks about Hooters.

By Any Means Necessary

Rachel started us off with the latest news from the health care reform process/national sanity endurance test.

On Wednesday, Senator Tom Coburn (R – Oklahoma and, Dick Armey will have you know, medical school) forced the reading of the 700-page amendment proposed by Senator Bernie Sanders (I – Vermont), which would have taken a full legislative day and ha ha ha the Republicans delayed health care reform, aren’t they clever and awesome? And oh, yes, some more people died because they have no insurance and more will today and more will tomorrow.

But still: hilarious gag, right? Pretending to give a rat bowel about Senatorial procedure just to block progress and make sure our own citizens can’t get help? Classic. Tom Coburn must be a scream at parties.

Sanders withdrew his amendment to stop the madness and, damn, Senator Sanders, you are fantastic when you’re angry.

But wait! This segment is not just frustrating. It also gets super bizarre and scary.

Are you ready to start PrayerCasting? Turns out the new best friends of the opponents of health reform are a couple of viciously anti-LGBT religious leaders.

For a party that’s so invested in reserving sex for straight married couples, the Republicans sure aren’t choosy about who they hop into bed with.

Republican strategist Mark McKinnon dropped in to try to explain what the hey, and man, is it fun to watch Rachel check him when he starts to dial back on the Tea Partiers.

Someone please start an attractive and tasteful line of “sexual insanity” clothing or souvenir mugs. I promise to purchase some for protest marches.

Come for the Lobbying (Stay for the Wings)

If you recall Rachel’s recent story about opportunities to get Mafia Wars loot in return for firing off anti–health reform e-mails but just aren’t a fan of fake mob violence, worry no more! Now there are anti-reform opportunities for fans of fake breasts!

Rachel brought us the wondrous news that anti-reform forces are offering chances to win a Hooters gift card for receiving e-mails full of informative, unbiased concern-trolling. Enjoy the special magic of opposing affordable preventive care and then running off to eat fried food!

Hmm. I’m almost satisfied, but how could this story get full-on creeptastic? Oh, goody! Rick Berman is involved.

The excellent Chris Hayes of The Nation dropped in to add some perspective, and Rachel broke out her Special Offer Announcer voice. Admit it: If she were selling them, you’d buy a Slap Chop.

(Personal to our nation’s anti-reform elected representatives: Please do not show your support for this plan by wearing tiny orange shorts.)

An Armey of One

Oh, Dick Armey. If you weren’t a hideous racist sexist homophobic gasbag who constantly announces his “big shot” status, I’d almost feel sorry for you.

Rachel reported Tuesday night on Armey’s weird attack on some teevee woman named Maddox, and Wednesday night she gave us a clue as to where and when he had his preliminary fitting for that hissy.

To sum up: Big shots may not order off the menu, but they definitely need to hit a minimum number of reservations at the National Press Club.

Ms. Information

Rachel reported the surprising but welcome news that The Family has explicitly come out against Uganda’s proposed kill-the-gays law. Several elected Family members have stepped forward to do the right thing and condemn the bill.

One notable exception is Senator Sam Brownback (R) of Kansas, who still needs to peek at the bill. Well, sure. There could be some nuances to “life imprisonment” and “death by hanging” that make them totally OK.

Rachel also took a look at Dubai, land of luxurious excess and — whoops! — just a few problems paying their billions of dollars of debt. Which is a surprise, because usually palm tree–shaped islands pay for themselves.

It’s OK, though, because they have a totally cool plan for bringing things back: a $1 billion Tiger Woods golf course.

So Tiger will be rebuilding his image in a country that’s a hub of the international sex slave trade and Dubai will be getting its financial mojo back with the help of the Tiger Woods name.

You might want to invest in those awesome Hooters gift cards instead.

Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Year

This is my favorite end-of-year summary I’ve seen yet.

Fasten your seatbelts. Rachel is about to take us on a magical journey beyond the cutting edge to look at the many Republican attempts to be hip and funky on the Interwebs.

It is unashamedly mean and delightful. Enjoy.

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