Following the Sapphic Socialites

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Trying to follow the adventures of lesbian/bisexual/barsexual socialites who want to be reality stars and reality stars who want to be socialites is like playing the bonus level of Diner Dash: As soon as you think you have a handle on one task, like seating three tables of irate businesswomen, a demanding college student and an old guy want their friggin’ samosas, and the food critic has steam coming out of her ears.

Meanwhile, the line behind the podium is getting longer, and the food at the counter is getting cold. Eventually, you realize that playing this game is just confusing you and stressing you out over something pointless, so you give up and start playing Solitaire.

With that being said, let’s hold our nose and step into hell’s kitchen. Warning: If you read past this paragraph you will lose a few IQ points, so if you value your intelligence, or if you are above wading into the septic tank of Hollywood gossip, just step back and load up Solitaire. To the rest of you brave and/or foolhardy souls, onward!

Last week, Tila Tequila announced that she and Johnson & Johnson heiress Casey Johnson were getting married, and she flashed a ring that could have been either a 10 carat diamond ring or a half-eaten root beer float ring pop. It was hard to tell.

But no so fast! Self-proclaimed “lesbian Don Juan” and Curve cover girl Courtenay Semel, who has the dubious honor of calling both Tila Tequila and Casey Johnson her ex, told E! Online that the engagement was a hoax. What? No nuptuals in Provincetown for Casey and Tila? Can Tila at least finish the rest of her ring pop?

All of this comes just weeks after Tila Tequila came out as a lesbian IN ALL CAPS via Twitter, and professed her love for Dani Campbell, runner up on the first season of A Shot At Love. Dani, who was imprisoned vacationing on a large boat with a thousand other lesbians at the time, which could either be a dream come true or a horrible nightmare, responded by expressing doubts that Tila is a full fledged dyke. We don’t know whether Tila likes men, women, or just her reflection in the mirror, but she sure moves on quickly. Sorry, Dani! I’m sure you’re, um, devastated.

But wait — there’s more! Just days before the baby oil heiress and Tila Tequila’s engagement announcement, Casey Johnson reportedly climbed into bed with Courtenay Semel, wearing stolen underwear, and Courtnay, clearly driven by a sense of justice, decided to text the owner of said underwear to get Johnson arrested. The New York Post reported:

Johnson allegedly broke into stunning model Jasmine Lennard‘s Hollywood pad and ransacked her possessions, leaving a vibrator on the bed.

Johnson was busted when Semel texted Lennard, saying, “There’s a problem, Jaz, Casey Johnson just got into bed with me and she is wearing your underwear. There are documents here, your shoes and your clothing — you need to call the police.”

A vibrator? In The Godfather, Don Corleone sent a mobster to place a horse’s head in movie producer Jack Woltz’s bed. Yeah, I’m thinking the vibrator just wasn’t as effective.

Finally, somewhere in there, Tila Tequila started Twittering as her alter ego, Jane, which was funny, but over time, Jane became really, really scary, and it wasn’t funny anymore. In any event, we don’t know whether Casey Johnson proposed to Tila or Jane. I guess time will tell.

Can I load up Solitaire already? My head hurts, and my stomach just turned. To make this confluence of hot messes make more sense, I have channeled Alice Pieszecki and created a chart:

So where is Jasmine Lennard? Listen, she just got her underwear stolen, which is really traumatic, so we’re going to leave the poor girl out of it.

I will leave you with a link to the video of the engagement announcement, courtesy of the New York Post, in which Tila announces that she will be having some “lady juice” later and announces that she will be calling the police to get Courtenay Semel arrested. For what? Not keeping up with the Kardashians?

Forget Solitaire. I need a bath.

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