Fake Gay News Round-up: Nov. 30 – Dec. 4

Lesbian Vampires Form Labor Union: Demand Better Wages, Less Dankness

TRANSYLVANIA COUNTY, NC — Lesbian vampires recently announced the formation of a new labor union to address a list of grievances including wages and undesirable working conditions. The new union complains of “excessively dank lurking locations,” according to a union spokeswoman who identified herself as Cassandra.

“Do you have any idea how damp it is in an alley? And don’t get me started on the moors,” said Cassandra. “I’ve had a sinus infection for 147 years. Enough, already.” The 200-year-old union organizer also plans to meet with faddish TV show producers and deserted mansion owners to negotiate a wardrobe stipend to offset the rising costs of leather dusters and eyeliner, just as soon as the sun goes down.

In related news, the International Virgins Under a Thrall Union has already agreed to honor all future collective bargaining agreements.

“Our minds will try to resist, but we’ll do whatever the lesbian vampires tell us to,” said a trembling, unnamed representative wearing a ripped bodice. “We don’t know why, but we always do.”

Individual Fame Reduced to 12.5 Minutes Each, Due to Tila Tequila Not Going Away

GREENWICH, LONDON — The projection that in the future, everyone will be famous for 15 minutes has been shortened by two and a half minutes, due to the re-emergence of formerly famous Tila Tequila. “Her second trip to the well is eating into the 15 minute allotment for everyone else,” explained Greenwich Mean Time-Keeper Nigel Haverhill.

Like disgraced beauty pageant contestant and train wreck Carrie Prejean, Tequila’s re-surfacing to hold unnecessary press conferences and send inane Twitter updates throws the global fame timetable off schedule.

“It’s not fair,” said Maria Gonzalez, who was next in line for fame. “The image of Jesus I found on a cantaloupe is worth at least 20 minutes,” she said from her Texas trailer home. “Now I’ll be lucky to get on Telemundo.”

Lesbian Insists Doing Roommate’s Laundry “Doesn’t Mean Anything. Really.”

SCRANTON, PA — Local lesbian Tammy Kerns, 29, continues to insist that doing her straight roommate’s laundry, cooking her dinner, and buying her little gifts doesn’t mean she’s totally in love with her.

“OK, yes, I did freak out when she tried to go on a date,” admitted Kerns, as she put a batch of her roommate’s favorite cookies in the oven, “but only because we were supposed to watch Grey’s Anatomy together. She promised.”

“My friends think it’s super weird that she sometimes blocks the door, just as I’m about to go out,” said Samantha Tyler, 33. “It’s kind of annoying, but the rent is cheap here.”

Overall, Tyler reports being satisfied living with Kerns in their rent-controlled two-bedroom, with the exception of several missed phone messages from her new boyfriend. “It’s odd. Tammy is so detail-oriented, she folds my underwear, but somehow, she never remembers to tell me when Kevin called.”

Holiday DVD Sales of Awful Lesbian Movies Expected to Be Just Fine

NORTH HOLLYWOOD, CA — Lesbian film distributors Dingo Video are projecting record sales figures for the 2009 holiday season, despite having a catalogue of both mediocre and terrible lesbian films. New releases such as Drinking Emily, Sandalwood on the Wind, Shore Leave and She Bats for Our Team 7 are expected to lead yet another year of strong online sales, predicts VP of marketing Karen Hall.

“Lesbians will watch anything,” Hall said, “And we’re proud to say that’s what we give them.”

Janet Ng, a longtime customer of Dingo Video, said, “Yeah, I’ve read the scathing reviews, but you don’t want to be the only one of your friends who doesn’t know this or that film.” Pointing to her online shopping cart, which contained the truly horrible low-budget films, Comfortable Shoes and Curry and Chitlins, Ng was unsure which title would make the better stocking stuffer for her girlfriend. “She hasn’t seen either of these,” Ng said finally, and purchased both of them.

All of this news is completely and totally made up, but perhaps based on real life situations.

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