Lesbians Unable to Tweet In 140 Characters or Less Now Have "Twordy"
SAN FRANCISCO — After years of trying to share their feelings, political views, lunch choices, and favorite Rachel Maddow quotes — while also telling others how very wrong they are — gay women are abandoning the ubiquitous microblog Twitter in favor of "Twordy," an upstart site that allows up to 125,819 characters.
Founder Michelle Oates, a veterinarian and part-time writer, says, "Twordy is the solution for gay women who have very strong opinions and no problem telling you what they are at length." When asked how she derived at exactly 125,819 characters, Oates explained those are her cats, Mia and Hamm’s, birthdays: Dec. 5 and Aug. 19, respectively.
Bi-curious Married Woman Can’t Understand Why No One Answered her Craigslist Ad
GROSS POINTE, MI — Hoping to have her first lesbian experience while her husband watches over this past weekend, Linda W. posted an ad in the "Women Seeking Women" section of craigslist, but did not receive any suitable takers before her kids came home. "I’ve been wanting to know the touch of a drug and disease free, voice-verified, femme woman with no strings attached for a long time," said the 39-year-old mother of three, "But all I received were six angry emails from lesbians. I’m going to try again next weekend and add a grainy picture of my breasts. Maybe that will help."
Gay Woman Finds Chosen Family Just as Annoying as Real Family
FT. LAUDERDALE, FL — After an evening spent with five of her closest friends, Lisa Marshall, 29, realized her "chosen family" is just as annoying as her real family. "I consider my friends my family," Marshall said, following a night of pizza and beer at her house, "but if I wanted people to put their shoes on my couch, interrupt me while I’m telling a story, or give me unsolicited relationship advice, I’d visit my brothers and my parents."
Two such friends, Kirsten and Nicole — who also happen to be Marshall’s exes — tried unsuccessfully to set Marshall up with one of Nicole’s co-workers, a 42-year-old woman from accounting. After passing the woman’s Facebook photos around, Marshall reported, "She was a hundred, if she was a day. It’s like my friends don’t even know me." Kirsten and Nicole vowed to keep trying, saying, "We just want Lisa to be happy."
Shocking Poll Results: 38% of Lesbians Admit They Can’t Tell Tegan and Sara Apart
ASHLAND, OR — A recent survey conducted by gilrzrockngirlz.com, a website devoted to female musicians and their fans, found that, when pressed, almost 40 percent of lesbians can not say with certainty which Quin sister is Tegan, and which one is Sara. "I love their music! But yeah, I don’t always know, especially if I’ve been drinking. Please don’t tell my friends," said one fan, who asked not to be identified for fear of being ostracized and ridiculed.
In a statement to the press, the website said it would petition Tegan and Sara’s management to have the twins stop dressing alike in that creepy way twins sometimes do. "And one of them needs to change their hair," suggested Drea Scarlotta, a visitor to the site, "or at least part it the other way."
Organizers of Drag King Show Take All the Fun Out of Event by Adding Lecture
NORTHAMPTON, MA — Unable to pass up an opportunity to be overly academic, event producers of the drag king extravaganza, "King-a-Palooza," have added a lecture, "The Subversion of Heteronormative Gender Roles by Radical Feminism," to the show’s bill.
To further dampen what was supposed to be a really entertaining and fun showcase, organizers Anita Brickman and Caridad Soto also announced there will be a discussion group immediately following the lecture. "I know most of the audience will only want to see hot women lip-syncing and dancing while dressed as Justin Timberlake, some boy band, or Elvis Presley," said Brickman, an adjunct women’s studies professor at the University of Phoenix. "But this is a great way to raise consciousnesses and reuse my course notes."
Drag King Melissa Knowles, who performs under the name "Stanley Steamer," expressed major disappointment upon hearing the new, saying, "Great. I was going to do the Motley Crue song ‘Girls, Girls, Girls’ but now that seems really inappropriate."
All of this news is completely and totally made up, but perhaps based on real life situations.