Lesbianing with AE! Should I Turn Down a Threesome?

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Earlier this year I had a threesome with a couple of women in my extended queer circle – they’re not great friends of mine but we often end up at a lot of parties together, and we were all single and horny, and decided to have a really fun night together. And it was fun, kind of… I got to check a threesome off my bucket list, I came, I had really good sexual chemistry with one of the girls. But it was also kind of weird – I felt like there were a lot of moments where I was left out while they were playing, or where I was leaving someone else out so it took a lot of mental strain to try to make sure everyone was receiving equal attention, more or less. A lot of the time I was up in my head with the mechanics of it all, and it was hard to relax. I stayed the night after and we all fell asleep together, but when I left in the morning I was done with the experience – it wasn’t right for me. Now one of the two women, the one I had chemistry with, has started texting me about another threesome – she’s in an open relationship so it would be with her and her partner. My head is telling me not to get involved but my heart is curious about exploring our connection again. Should I give this one more try, or learn from my experience in the past and use the offer as material for a satisfying solo session?

-Blue Unicorn

Hey Blue Unicorn,

If you want to wank over the tempting offer, by all means have at it…

Since the woman you connected with is in an open relationship, there’s nothing stopping you from responding to her offer with a suggestion of a play date between the two of you. You connected with her, she connected with you – clearly, she’s coming back around. If your worry is that a third person will take you out of the moment and into your head, then why not simply have a good time with someone you already have a bond with?

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If, on the other hand, you are intrigued by the threesome and seeking permission to give it another shot, you’ve got that too. You have the advantage this time of knowing why you weren’t into the previous triad. By having an open conversation about the potential threesome ahead of time, you can bring up these issues and talk about them with the couple. So, you might explain how the need to be fair and equal with affection kept you from enjoying the threesome experience in the moment, then discuss everyone’s expectations for the event. Here’s a guide for how to have that talk when you’re considering a threesome with a lesbian couple.

A threesome should be satisfying for all parties, but it doesn’t need to be perfectly equal at all times. Maybe one half of the couple gets super turned on by watching — if so, that gives you and the other more room to get into a groove without leaving the other person out.

A threesome should be satisfying for all parties, but it doesn’t need to be perfectly equal at all times. Maybe one half of the couple gets super turned on by watching — if so, that gives you and the other more room to get into a groove without leaving the other person out.

The only way you’ll know how this threesome could go down is to talk about it with those two women. Since they’re together, it will be a different dynamic than your “three single ladies” tryst — and the only way to know if it’s the good kind of difference is to talk it out.

If you’re flattered but don’t want to go there, text her back and let her know how you enjoyed playing with her, but your threesome days are over. You wouldn’t be the first person to cross threesomes off your list, and you don’t need to offer any additional explanation.

If you have a question for Lindsey, write our editor at memoree@afterellen.com with “Q for Lindsey” in the subject line.

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