Lesbianing with AE! This week: Two things not to do in lesbian dating

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Hey, so I kind of don’t know where to start. So please bear with me. I met this girl a few months back, we met at work and the moment we saw each other, we just got this vibe. She smiled at me and introduced herself and I knew then and there I wanted to be with her. Over the course of working with her, I would occasionally see her stealing glances at me and trying to catch my attention. I’d pretend not to notice.

I learned much about her. She has a disorder called borderline personality but I never judged her for it, I have problems of my own. We eventually admitted that we liked each other and she’d send me cute texts and pictures. I remember the first time I went in to kiss her she didn’t hesitate to go in. Each time we kissed she’d push me and blush/look away. But lately, she’s been weird and pushing me away, saying she likes me but doesn’t want a relationship. She agrees one day to hook up with me then the next she just wants to be friends. I didn’t take it well. We recently have been talking now but it’s not the same, it’s just casual but I want so much more than that. I just want to know what I did wrong for her to push me away and basically friend zone me? Does she still even like me? 

Note: Even though, she friend zoned me, she still sends me seductive pictures and I told my friends (because we both hang around each same group of friends), and they all say she’s crazy and went through a lot, which is true for the most part. I just need more of an insight of this situation. I really like this girl!

Thank you,

Broken Heart

Hey Broken Heart,

I’m gonna give it to you straight: She doesn’t want to be with you — at least, not right now. And it doesn’t sound like you did anything “wrong.”

I’m guessing you researched a bit about dating women with borderline personality and tried to be openminded and not judge this woman — props to you for that. Most of us are complicated and come with some baggage, and we need someone who holds space for what we have to offer as well as what weighs us down.

You probably know that people with BPD often have a difficult time sustaining relationships. Some perceive the slightest action as a rejection of them and lash out. This woman could have taken your “I can’t go out after work tonight, because I’m opening tomorrow” as “I’m not attracted to you anymore, fuck off.” It’s common for women with BPD to get attached quickly, see everything through rosy glasses, and then become deeply disappointed once the illusion shatters. This may have happened with you and your coworker.

Or this could have nothing to do with her mental health. Maybe she’s just not that into you.

Trying to figure out why a specific woman doesn’t like you that way anymore is crazy-making, especially if you have a natural tendency to assume you are somehow to blame for what happened.

The only way you can know for sure what your coworker is thinking is to ask. If you’re the kind of person that needs to know, because otherwise you’ll obsess about it with your friends, this might help you move on. Send your crush a text and ask to meet for coffee, just as friends. Then ask her what changed and listen to her reply (which probably has nothing to do with you, but if it does try to listen with an open mind rather than get defensive).

She could do that infuriating thing and say “I can’t be in a relationship now but maybe later we can try again,” and my best advice to you if she does this is to say, “Yeah. Maybe” and then stop holding your breath that day will ever come. Women are conditioned to nurture every shred of someone else’s feelings, so we often censor ourselves from telling our truths out of deference to others’ emotions. In lesbian dating, this refusal to close the door completely can prevent the other person from moving on after a failed relationship.

She could do that infuriating thing and say “I can’t be in a relationship now but maybe later we can try again,” and my best advice to you if she does this is to say, “Yeah. Maybe” and then stop holding your breath that day will ever come.

We can’t force people to be with us, even if they led us on or kissed us back or otherwise acted interested. She may be the first girl you’ve had major chemistry with who isn’t available to you, but she definitely won’t be the last. Sometimes we click with people who are not in a place where they can be in a relationship.

Maybe they’re married or they just got out of a long-term relationship. Maybe they have a mental or physical health problem that makes it hard for them to show up to a relationship. Maybe they thought they could do it and they really want to do it but they pulled away because they can’t right now, and they know themselves. Maybe this has nothing to do with her borderline personality disorder and she’s crushing on someone else, or got back together with an ex, or can’t juggle work and school, or doesn’t want something serious right now. Really, you can’t know unless you ask.

Sometimes we click with people who are not in a place where they can be in a relationship.

In general it’s a shitty idea to date coworkers, because when things go wrong you’re stuck working together slowly pickling your insides listen to her gossip to your shared friend about the cute girl she kissed at the Pride afterparty. You can’t take the space you need to process the breakup and your work friends are in the middle of the drama. So let this be a lesson for you, do not date your coworkers while you work together. Maybe this was the lesson for her. Maybe this was why she pulled back.

On the sexy photos thing, she wants your attention focused on her even if she doesn’t want to commit to anything. It’s a classic lesbian mind game. I’d straight up tell her that you’re not interested in her duck face lingerie selfies if she’s not interested in dating you. If she keeps sending them, block her number. You don’t need sexts from a woman who just wants to hook up with you and doesn’t care if she toys with your heart to get your attention. You deserve better, Broken Heart. You’ll get it, but first you gotta stop settling for this. 

Next Q for Lindsey is on page 2!

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