When AfterEllen.com reader Thegirloverthere gave us a tip about Brooke Hogan kissing a girl in an upcoming episode of Brooke Knows Best, I knew I had to watch it. The idea of Brooke kissing a girl does not appeal to me in any way shape or form and quite honestly, the fact that she has her own show annoys me. My reasoning behind subjecting myself to this show was purely to see how they handled the subject.
The episode starts with Brooke’s roommate, Glenn, staring longingly at the beach as some big old muscle men rub lotion on each other as he wonders, “Why don’t I have that?” His love life has been struggling lately, which makes Brooke ask, “What if you have a little bit of straight in you?” Glenn looks at her as though she grew a second vagina on her head and wonders if the spirit of his mother has suddenly possessed her.
Brooke won’t drop the subject and is relentless until he says he’ll go on a date with a girl. Glenn says he’ll go on a date with a girl as long as Brooke goes on a date with a girl. She’s all grossed out and not following her own logic of “How do you know you don’t like it until you’ve tried it?” but agrees to be set up on a blind date as long as their other roommate, Ashley, goes on a date with a girl.
Ashley was a champ and said, “Whatever, I’ll go out on a date with a chick!” enthusiastically. Brooke then made her best grunting “ewww” noises — because girls are so icky — but reluctantly was on board.
The rules are stated that no one is allowed to tell their date they are actually doing this on a dare and have no interest in starting anything real. Also, they need to kiss. Brooke says she’ll “sacrifice my innocence” for Glenn. Ashley is my girl though and says, “If it can happen for Glenn then maybe it can happen for you. You can fall in love with a girl!” Somehow their dates’ feelings don’t count, but hey,all’s fair in making sure Glenn is gay!
Brooke and Ashley go to the gym and I need to take a time out because Brooke is wearing the most ridiculous workout outfit ever.
They spy a “very Midwestern-looking” (I’ll assume because she’s wearing a choker) girl named Kimberly and think she’s the perfect one to set Glenn up with. Once they’ve got Glenn’s date taken care of, Brooke tells Ashley that her ideal lesbian date would be with someone “as close to a boy as possible” kind of like P!nk. Brooke needs a little lesson in imagination because P!nk isn’t even a blip on the butch radar.
When the date night approaches, everyone is having problems with their wardrobe. Glenn looks “like a member of the Village People” and Brooke tries to dress for “a gay date.” She decides that a hat, jeans and a v-neck with a white shirt underneath makes her look “hot for a lesbian.” Honey, you don’t look hot for a lesbian or even for a baby koala bear.
Glenn tells her to get her hooker boots back on and let her boobs out. After her wardrobe change, she cleans up nicely but doesn’t want to “dress to impress.” I decide that this bitch is on my last nerve.
Ashley’s date is there first and it looks like it’ll be a lipstick love affair. I’d love to be able to wear her top.
Brooke’s date arrives next and is super cute (totally wasted on Brooke).
Brooke tells Glenn, “She’s really butch,” as though she were upset about it. Apparently she thinks it doesn’t get any more butch than P!nk so it must’ve been a shock for her to see a motorcycle riding lesbian come through the door. Brooke changes into an outfit appropriate for the motorcycle ride and her date is impressed.
Glenn’s date arrives and I’m pretty positive her Midwestern gaydar went “WEEEEEE! WEEEEE! WEEEEE!” If his hair didn’t do it before, his recommendation of an apple martini sure did it. Still, she drinks enough to apparently not care.
Brooke’s date takes her to what looks like a very cool restaurant with belly dancers. Unfortunately, their waiter mistakes Brooke’s date for a dude, which visibly angers Brooke.
Butch McGee takes her jacket off to make her chest more visible and Brooke is impressed with their size, saying, “Why don’t you push them up and out? Those are good.” Nicely done, Brooke Hogan.
Ashley’s date seems to be going well, although they seem to be the only women at whatever restaurant they went to. When they get hassled by some guys, Ashley’s date stands up and is ready to kick some ass. I kind of see a love connection there. If there isn’t one blooming, I think Glenn’s Midwestern chick should take a turn. She kind of looks like Erin Daniels from the L Word and she likes it rough. Her personal ad pretty much writes itself. When Glenn gives her enough tequila, she wonders out loud where she’ll be sleeping that night.
As the night comes to an end, Ashley totally makes out with her date — and if the cameras weren’t around, something tells me it would’ve kept going. Brooke’s date walks her to the door and goes in for the kill.
After a few rounds of smooching, Brooke pulls away and says, “You’re a really good kisser” as her roommates gasp and laugh from the couch. They all admit though, their dates were great — they just weren’t dudes.
Overall, it wasn’t a bad episode. I was so ready to hate it, but towards the end I feel like everyone was enlightened — except of course, for their dates.