How To Explain Lesbian Sex to Idiots Who Ask

It’s happened to all of us. “But how do lesbians do it?” some idiot asks.

Fuck. They mean how do lesbians fuck. It can be very awkward and embarrassing to start describing your last sexual encounter in full detail. Instead, I’ve made you this handy educational tool.

Here is a very simple explanation, along with visual aids to help the idiot in your life who just doesn’t get it. It’s spelled out real clear and simple so anyone can understand!

Part One: How to find out if sex has indeed occurred

Lesbian A has a rate of arousal of 70 miles per hour (mph), she leaves Dryton heading toward Wetton, 260 miles away. At the same time Lesbian B, traveling 60 mph, leaves Clothedville heading toward Nakedville. When can we say that the two lesbians actually “meet”?

part-1

To solve this problem, we’ll use the arousal formula:

Arousal = Attraction x Drunkenness

Since an equation (and a heart) remains true as long as we perform the same operation on both sides, we can divide both sides by attraction.

So attraction is defined as arousal, divided by drunkenness (which is a ratio, as we are all well aware). I’m 2:3 right now! TMI, LOL.

Horniness is another word used for attraction. When a problem says that a lesbian is moving at a speed of 40 mph, you can understand this to mean that the lesbian’s horniness is 40 mph, which means she will travel 40 miles in one hour, just to climax.

The relative horniness of the two lesbians is the sum of how horny they are both feeling. In our problem, the relative horniness of the two lesbians is 70 mph + 60 mph = 130 mph. Wow! That’s a lot of horniness! These two didn’t get very far through Orange Is the New Black Season 5 this evening!

At this point, we know two of the three unknownsattraction and arousal –so we can solve the problem for drunkenness (can we get some strong, black coffee over here?). Remember that drunkenness = arousal/attraction (so true!), arousal is 260 miles, and the relative horniness is 130 mph:

d = 260 miles/130 mph
d = 2 hrs.

We find that the lesbians “meet” after two hours.

Clearly, this is a formula that you can use to check whether or not two women have had sex, so if you or a friend is unsure what you actually did counts, you can work it out!

But we still don’t know the actual mechanism by which lesbian sex happens.

Hey–don’t worry–I’ve got this! Here is a simple diagram to show the process.

Part Two: the mechanics of lesbian sexpart-2

I know this diagram is super obvious, I mean, hello?! What is this, second grade? I’m just going to go over it to make sure no-one is left behind, just like in lesbian sex!

A – Both lesbians strike the gooba pose, making sure that the left lesbian is looking in the right lesbian’s right eye.

B – The right lesbian manoeuvres at a 90-degree angle. Make sure she’s not obtuse. I hate obtuse.

Here the lesbians must decide whether to go through steps C & D or E &F:

C – The left lesbian inserts her smallest finger into the right lesbian’s klimpa hole.

D – Both lesbians get on their knees and pray to the Goddess.

OR

E – The right lesbian can choose to tease the labia majora to the sides and coax out the sappholic trox.

F – Both lesbians make a blood sacrifice to the white witch Stevie Nicks.

H – Wel,l H is really a leap of faith. It’s only lesbian sex if you believe it’s lesbian sex. Both lesbians must make it to the other side, or it will not count. 

I – Is the final 90-degree turn, that must be the exact mirror image of the first, and performed by the left lesbian.

Lesbian sex is now happening!

I hope that’s helped. It’s obviously very different to straight sex, so you couldn’t possibly have guessed what happens!

Hey, person asking how lesbians have sex: How do you have sex? I’d love to find out.

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