“Grey’s Anatomy” mini-cap: “I Will Follow You into the Dark”

In this week’s episode: Izzie’s death sentence gives her a whole new perspective on life — cafeteria food is tasty; Bailey chooses real children over the biggest baby in the hospital, otherwise known as The Chief; Meredith gets dumped by Wallow McDrunkie; Cristina is told, for what must be the hundredth time in her life, she’s a robot; and most importantly, Callie plays hard to get with Arizona for a full three seconds.

Also, there’s some talk of anal leakage. God, I’ve missed recapping this show.

Here’s a fun scene. Cristina sees Owen sleeping on a gurney. When she wakes him up, he shoves her so hard, she crashes into some metal shelves and cuts her arm. Owen is alarmed — his PTSD is showing — but Cristina makes light of it by telling him she once dreamt she was falling and hanging onto the drapes. When she woke up, she was pulling Meredith’s hair. Owen is too distracted to ask why Cristina and Meredith were sleeping in the same bed, but I’m not.

Meanwhile, Seattle Grace’s golden gods, Derek and Mark are both out of commission, one with a busted psyche and a pending lawsuit, the other with a busted hand and an attentive youngster for a girlfriend. I always have liked Sloan better.

And so does Callie, who uses him once again, this time as a human shield. She’s hiding from Arizona after bragging about her lesbian street creds in front of Arizona’s date. Arizona walks by, oblivious to Callie’s presence.

The Chief is still the cranky windbag he ever was and isn’t happy with his boys. No surgeries mean no billing. And no billing means that Sharper Image chair massager he’s had his eye on for his office will have to wait.

Also on his poo list: Bailey. She’s chosen pediatrics over his dreams for her to stay in general surgery. In the O.R., Bailey sings the praises of staples. A dyed-in-the-wool suture man, Bid Daddy barks back, "I want all of you people to do what I say!" Not as he does. For the love of Pete, not as he does.

The only person who can put a man like the Chief in his place is his wife. Adele blows in to open a can of whup ass and demands he apologize to Bailey. Sassy and no-nonsense, she asks, "Are you running a hospital here or a playground?"

The Chief is behaving like a child because Bailey is going into pediatrics. See how they did that, there? That’s what’s called irony. Not ironic? Rain on your wedding day.

When she’s not playing Daddy Dearest with the Chief, Bailey is treating a family with the worst genes ever. All but three members have died from a particularly aggressive cancer. Bailey recommends they all have intestinal surgery immediately, even though it will mean a lifetime of anal leakage.

In other medical news, Alex saves a young patient when he realizes she’s been misdiagnosed with epilepsy. The girl’s friends, fellow marching band geeks, seem terribly impatient and mean-spirited about having to deal with a sick girl in their ranks. I was in marching band. Those uniforms would make anyone bitter.

And finally, Izzie orders her interns to diagnose "Patient X," which is really her. This year’s interns are not the brightest bulbs and only Lexie concludes, based on an analysis of her brain, Patient X’s real name is Abby Normal.

Callie is avoiding Arizona, after unsuccessfully asking her out, and later, making a jackass of herself  in front of Arizona and her lady date. They end up in the same elevator (this plot device never gets old, does it?) and Arizona starts up with the chitchat until Callie interrupts her.

Callie: We don’t have to do this. We don’t have to be friends. It’s a big hospital with lots of floors, lots of places to hide. I’m perfectly OK with doing that for the next few years.
Arizona: You’re not hearing me, Calliope. Sometimes, I panic in the moment and I call it wrong. I misjudge a situation. So, if you’re up for it, I’d like to take you to dinner.
Callie: [long pause] Maybe.
Arizona: Maybe?
Callie: Yeah, my schedule is kind of insane right now, so I’ll get back to you.

Callie steps off the elevator, leaving Arizona speechless and slack-jawed. The doors start to close when Callie jams her arm between them. The doors part. Callie blurts out, "How’s, uh, tomorrow?"

For someone who’s said to Sloan, "Take off your pants," without so much as a howdy-doo, it makes perfect sense that would be Callie’s version of hard-to-get.

Later that night, Derek practices his golf swing on beer cans and Meredith’s engagement ring. "There’s no fixing you. You’re a lemon," he slurs at her. Meredith has certainly put him through the ringer enough times, so she decides to stay and fight for him.

So, Meredith is a lemon, and apparently, Cristina is a machine. But not a bad one. Izzie chooses, not Alex or George, but Yang to talk to about her terminal illness, saying, "You’re a robot, you can take it."

Yes, all Asians are robots. And I have a USB port in my back to prove it.

Next week: Derek spends the entire episode on his hands and knees in the grass, looking for a diamond in the rough. The Chief yells at Bailey about her grades and takes away her cell phone. Callie re-embraces her attraction to Arizona. And boy, is Nevada jealous.

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