A blond named Cecile audibly regrets that she has to do something she isn’t proud of, because “My family is going to watch this,” as the others nod and sigh. A dark-haired young woman named Lauren tells the camera earnestly that they are all being asked to “do something you don’t want to do, [to] see if you can pull it off,” and a young woman named Mercedes questions, with fear in her eyes, whether she can “rise to the occasion” to do what must be done.
No, it’s not a reality show recreating a Russian gulag, chronicling a cancer support group, or investigating the secret world of underage prostitution. But anyone tuning in a little late to the second episode of the new WB reality show The Starlet last night might be forgiven for mistaking it for something more sinister than a reality show for young women who want to become the next big thing in Hollywood.
And the event these women are so visibly dreading? Kissing another woman for the camera.
The Starlet, which debuted on the WB last weekend, follows a group of young women as they compete in a series of screen tests designed to eliminate all but one aspiring actress, who will be designated the “Starlet” and given an acting contract and a small role on the WB’s One Tree Hill. The performances are judged by actresses Vivica A. Fox and Faye Dunaway, and casting director Joseph Middleton.
In this episode’s elimination round, the contestants were asked to pair up and perform the lesbian hot tub seduction scene originally performed by Tiffani-Amber Thiessen and Jaime Pressly in an episode of the short-lived 2002-2003 Fox series Fastlane. “Remember,” host Katie Wagner admonished the shocked actresses after delivering the news, “Angelina Jolie, Hilary Swank and Charlize Theron have all played roles in which they’ve had to kiss other women. If they can do it, so can you.”
But the holy trinity of Angelina, Hilary and Charlize was of little comfort to these young women in the face of such a profoundly disconcerting task. “Everyone’s just really frustrated,” Cecile said to the camera after hearing the news. “Why do we have to kiss a girl? Why the scene in the hot tub? Is this appropriate?” Donna, the group’s sole black contestant, made it known repeatedly to all who would listen that she had “Never kissed a girl before, never wanted to kiss a girl before, very heterosexual, just not attracted to women at all.”
Clearly, these are not the high school girls in Oklahoma who can’t be trusted to go to the bathroom in pairs.
As the young women contemplated this sorry turn of events, Cecile seemed to speak for everyone when she said “I have an issue thinking this is my work, and this is what I’m proud of. Is this something I would do?” Donna bemoaned her bad luck. “I thought I had a legitimate opportunity with this love scene,” she told the group, because “I’m a very sensual person, but now…I don’t know.”
Prior to receiving their instructions to perform the lesbian hot tub scene, the contestants had been schooled in the art of seducing a teddy bear–yes that’s right: the young women took turns kissing and fondling a stuffed animal on national television.
Donna performed quite admirably with the bear, but kissing a woman was beyond the pale. Real actresses just don’t do that. Or do they?
To answer this and other burning questions for the contestants, the WB brought in Jamie Pressly, which yielded the following illuminating conversation:
The aspiring actresses thanked Pressly profusely for helping to “ease their fears,” while actual working actresses around the country silently thanked Pressly for proving that not all actresses are total fools.
This exchange also served as another helpful reminder that Donna is heterosexual. Completely.
Two by two, the contestants proceeded to perform the lesbian hot tub scene for the camera, with mixed success. Despite their initial protests, many found it to be easier than expected. “It was up there with my ex-boyfriends, as far as kissing is concerned,” laughed Lauren afterwards, and her partner Neva agreed that “We felt really comfortable kissing, like it wasn’t awkward.”
Unfortunately for Neva, the judges loved Lauren’s role in the seduction but called Neva “wooden” and gave her the boot.
The same fate befell the red-headed Courtney, who went after her hot tub partner Michelynn–an 18-year-old who has never kissed anyone before, let alone a girl–like “a monkey on crack,” according to one of the judges. Michelynn came through the screen test with flying colors despite her sexual inexperience. “It was nerve-wracking going into something like this,” Michelynn admitted. “It’s the second screen test, and it involves kissing, and the kissing is with a girl. So, I mean, it’s all brand-new things, with a big, very huge stake.”
Cecile, the one who was so worried about what her family would think of her participation in this scene, not only drew the greatest praise from the judges for her performance (universally described as “hot” by the judges and other contestants alike), she told Mercedes afterwards “you’re a good kisser…honestly, I felt attracted to you.”
But even though most of the contestants ultimately emerged unscathed from the experience, the judges still acknowledged the hardship the Fastlane scene had imposed upon them. “I know it was weird, probably, kissing a girl,” Fox commended Donna afterwards, “but you were courageous enough to give it a try.”
Thanks to The Starlet and the courageous efforts of these beautiful young women–who kissed each other, and lived to tell about it–we’re all a little better off.
Well, except maybe for that teddy bear.
