New line of purses for butches unveiled at handbag convention

At the recently held Association of Luggage and Handbag Manufacturers Expo, a new concept in fashion accessories was debuted: Handbags designed exclusively for lesbians who do not feel comfortable carrying a purse.

“Certain lesbians wouldn’t be caught dead carrying a handbag, but they still need a place to put their keys, wallet, cell phone, iPod and ChapStick,” said Rose Schwartz, Vice President of Sales for Hold This. “Cargo pants are out and skinny jeans are in. That trend creates what we call a ‘Ronson Effect’ for butch women. Hold This bags solve that problem.”

Inspired by high-profile, fashion-forward couples such as Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson and Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi, the Hold This Handbags product line will come in designer styles and quality materials, and will include one distinctive feature — each purse comes with a girl to carry it.

The expo was abuzz when Hold This unveiled its 2009 Collection to buyers from retail giants Neiman Marcus, Saks Fifth Avenue, Nordstrom and Lady Foot Locker.

The fall line will feature rich, imported leathers in autumnal colors, and femme carriers with auburn tresses, while the spring and summer collections will include lightweight, casual designs carried by attractive women in ballet flats or sandals. For evenings, black, patent-leather clutches will be accompanied by models wearing little black cocktail dresses and up-dos.

When asked about the name of the company and its eponymous line of purses, Schwartz pointed to the six months’ worth of consumer research conducted in women’s bars and clubs. After observing more than a few instances of lesbians asking their girlfriends to “hold this” while handing off their car keys or cell phones, Schwartz and her marketing team knew they had found their brand name.

“We wanted to go with a phrase that our potential customers would instantly recognize as a part of their lives,” Schwartz explained. “And while ‘Who was that?’ and ‘What’s she doing here?’ were also frequently overheard, those didn’t really fit our purposes.”

So far, feedback for Hold This Handbags has been overwhelmingly positive. A prototype tester known only as “Jo” said, “Summer is the hardest season for me because without a jacket, I don’t have any pockets.”

Her eyes lingering admiringly at her “Kelly” bag, an unstructured day tote made of embossed lamb suede and slung over the shoulder of a very attractive blond woman, Jo added, “I love my purse. Seriously. I’m totally in love with my purse.”

This is a Fake Gay News post — part of series of satirical blog posts about entertainment. That means it’s (mostly) not true.

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