Spike TV has body issues

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I have my share of strong opinions, but occasionally I read something so well-written and compelling that it leads me to question fundamental beliefs and feel chagrinned at how wrong I was.

For example — and try not to judge me too harshly for this — I used to believe that Salma Hayek was notable because of her accomplishments and intelligence and insanely good looks. But I was so wrong.

What’s notable about her is her weight.

Spike.com’s list of “The Top 7 Butterbodies” made it explicitly clear that she’s too fat. (A butterbody, by the way, is “a woman who has a beautiful face but a body that’s gone to butter.” Isn’t that amazingly witty?)

I mean, I might once have looked at this picture and thought, “Eh, I don’t love the dress but, oh my, she’s lovely.” But now I know that her dress is hiding a “beer gut.” (It is worth noting, however, that her weight gain is not entirely offensive because so much of it went to her breasts.)

Sara Ramirez and America Ferrera are another story. Ramirez might say it’s “cool” that she and Ferrera “represent a group of women who aren’t stick-thin,” but Ramirez has actually failed her fans by not slimming down after getting famous.

Ferrera is even worse! “She basically gives women an excuse to be fat.” Can you believe that I just used to think she was attractive and talented? Now I’m a little embarrassed.

Even more embarrassing is that there was a time when I would have looked at a picture of Sara Ramirez — such as the one on the right — and thought that anyone who could not see how insanely hot she was did not deserve to have eyes. I was just so silly.

Also, when I used to see an airbrushed fashion shot and a candid, non-posed moment, I used to conclude that real people don’t look like airbrushed photos.

But now I know better: Liv Tyler has just transformed into a “frumpy frump.”

I suppose as long as I have confessed to so many of my crazy beliefs, I might as well share a couple more.

There was a time when I thought it was admirable that Tyra Banks addressed the tabloid obsession with her weight gain by noting that she was a healthy weight for her size, and speculating that this obsession might fuel body dysmorphia in impressionable young girls.

But, really, it’s so much easier just to make a comment like this about her: “Tyra Banks is so desperate to be Oprah that she has piled on the pounds.” Get it? Oprah and Banks are both talk show host/actor/producers. And they’re both fat! Isn’t that funny?

Finally — and most embarrassingly — I labored under the delusion that a variety of different body types could be hot, that many factors — including confidence, experience and intelligence — enhance a woman’s attractiveness, and that curves were sexy as all get out. In fact, I agreed with other AfterEllen.com readers that five of the seven “butterbodies” on this list (Sarah Ramirez, Drew Barrymore, America Ferrera, Salma Hayek, Liv Tyler) deserved to appear in the first two AfterEllen.com Hot 100 lists. But, of course, the reality is that only “super-thin” women are truly hot.

Oh, and I also believed that dumb ass bloggers who posted the blog equivalent of a “No Fat Chicks” T-shirt were serious losers who wouldn’t recognize a truly attractive woman if she were standing in front of them not noticing their sorry asses.

Oh wait, I was right about that.

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