Last week, the headline “Gay Man Placed In Charge of Republican Party” set my imagination aflame. Could the latest GOP svengali really be a closeted gay man with unfortunate taste in hats? Is Matt Drudge the new gay Ann Coulter? Does The Drudge Report strike anyone as a reliable news source? Couldn’t the most powerful right homosexual afford a web designer?
After a little research, I realized Drudge’s rudimentary website is likely a calculated ploy to soothe tense heterosexual swamp people just looking to print out an article about violent black youths. In a similar tactic, Drudge’s fedora acts as camouflage for the homosexual to pass unscathed through men’s rights activists and border patrol volunteers. Or maybe the other gay men excommunicated Matt Drudge out for crimes against FASHION and The Drudge Report is his hideous vengeance. Either way, the gay male Republican mastermind is clearly doing a sub par Svengali job. What if the head homo was a lesbian? A Machiavellian power dyke who took the GOP into her calloused palms and molded it in her image? What kind of shit would that start?
Taking into account cliche, misconception, stereotype, and the worst of both worlds, here are my platform predictions.
IF LESBIANS RAN THE REPUBLICAN PARTY
Parks as far as the eye can see! Have you been to a wildlife preserve lately? No? Then, boy, do the lesbians have a treat for you! After abducting Amy Poehler and forcing her to live as Leslie Knope, the LIC (lesbians in charge) made wildlife conservation America’s top priority.
The process of turning an uninhabited patch of land, abandoned building, or even your backyard into a federally sanctioned nature preserve is now a simple one page web form.
Canoeing, rock climbing, and a myriad of other outdoor activities qualify for the Olympics.
A position in the natural park service now holds more prestige than the FBI, Marines, and Air Force. “A ranger today is a representative tomorrow”: that’s how the new song goes.
P.E. is now mandatory Pre-K through College. Athletically disinclined art school dykes join forces with lazy femmes to create the great kickball schism of 2020.
In stroke of unprecedented bipartisanship, Congress agrees that High School Algebra has never come in handy. It is replaced by Gender Studies.
Home Ec becomes Home Improvement.
Juvenile Detention Facilities are moved in the closest mountain range, where young criminals rethink their life choices while living like a Spartan.
History is now called “True Stories.”
HOGWARTS IS REAL!