Styled Out: Dressing up for Halloween so you don’t have to go out half-naked

Halloween costume shopping can be a trying time in anyone’s life, let alone a lesbian’s when faced with an onslaught of pre-packaged slut-tastic goods cluttering the aisles of your local costume outlet. Such adversities inspire imagination, and I find it best to sit back and reminisce about the days of old and bring those childhood dreams and idols to life. Pull back your sleeves a little and see what you can tie together in the midst of all the garbage that coaxes you to just dress up like a freakin’ provocative Dorothy or (worse?) to invest in the 100 dollar cow costume simply out of convenience.

One of these things is not like the other

Forget it; here’s no reason to be generic on the most festive of days.

Can some ridiculously cute couple please dress up as Ellen and Portia this year? Granted, your chances of coming across a Zac Posen ensemble at your neighborhood thrift store is going to be slim to none (though stranger things have happened). This gives you an opportunity to get super creative. Get the best white suit you can find on those jam-packed racks, hang it up on your back porch and hose it down with some glitter spray. Throw in a gaudy Rod Stewart-esque wig, and you’re good to go.

If you’re “going for it,” you pretty much have to shoot for the gold and over the top and semi-unrealistic is the only route. Portia can easily be done with some pink spray paint misted over a discarded bridal number — use the People spread as your guide and you’ll be the hit of any ghoulish gathering — gay or straight. Just don’t forget the sneakers to wear with the Ellen suit because, really, that’s the kicker.

Superheroes are also surprisingly easy to create. I think it’s a nice touch to truly embrace your youthful flare and replace the tricked-out cape you could purchase with a terry cloth towel in the appropriate shade. It’s easier on your wallet and will get you big laughs with the ladies. Leggings and underwear in solid shades are also relatively easy to come by so that won’t keep you running all over town, either. It’s comfortable for all night boozing and bar hopping to boot.

Make your own Wonder Woman costume so you don’t end up in a tube top

If you’re going for a group theme and are having a hard time with a concept that’s both simple and hilarious, I vote for Drop Dead Gorgeous. Awkward girls walking around in second-hand outdated prom dresses? A crucified Jesus being toted around by a girl posing as Denise Richards in a poodle skirt? Come on — the whole concept was so bad it was great. Besides, Allison Janney has got to be on the top 10 list of awesome for every gay girl I know. Your resident group leader is the obvious choice for this character representation.

If I knew how to play the guitar, I swear to God I would have already dressed up like Melissa Etheridge. Come to my window!

So what are you going apple bobbing in?

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