“Bitch Slap” brings back the B-movie

Gay women of the world, I would like you to sit down. Find some place comfortable and a chair you’ve never fallen out of. Make sure no one important is nearby like, say, a boss or a principal or that coworker who is continually stealing your stapler as a passive-aggressive play for your job. Also, just in case, please consider placing pillows on the floor. The pillows will serve a dual purpose since they can muffle your squeals of delight. Are you ready, are you sure? OK, here goes.

At this point you are probably thinking, “Ms. Snarker, what the hell? I’ve gone and fastened pillows to every surface on my body and all you did was show me a poster with three hot women? You’re slipping, women, seek help.” Ah, but I’m still easing you into it. I mean it, you might also want to grab a helmet. This, ladies, is Bitch Slap.

Before we go any further and while you pick yourself off the floor, let’s pause for a quick disclaimer. Yes, yes, objectification. Yes, yes, sexism. Yes, yes, violence. I know, I know and I totally agree. All those things are bad. Very bad. In fact, they’re wrong. I frown on them with the scowl of a 1000 women’s studies majors. That said, ohmyfreakinggodhowawesomewasthat?!

And just when you thought it couldn’t get any better, what with all the breasts ass kicking, breasts stuff blowing up, breasts wet T-shirts and breasts girl-on-girl kissing, this puts it over the top into full-tilt, no-holds-barred, I-cannot-wait-one-more-second-I-must-have-it-now genius. Check out these two nuns and tell me they don’t look familiar.

Yep, that’s Xena and Gabrielle, together again. Lucy Lawless and Renee O’Connor appear in the film, as do fellow Xena: Warrior Princess and Hercules: The Legendary Journeys alums Kevin Sorbo, Michael Hurst and Xena stunt double Zoe Bell. This unexpected cast reunion comes at the hands of former Xena and Hercules producer and director Eric Gruendemann and Rick Jacobson, who co-wrote and directed Bitch Slap.

The film is a modern-day take on the B-movies and exploitation flicks from the ’50s to ’70s à la Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill! The plot (seriously, you want to know the plot?) revolves around three bad girls (a stripper, a drug runner and a corporate power broker, naturally) who come together to extort money from a sleazy underworld kingpin (is there any other kind?). What follows is a bunch of double crossings, car chasing, gun blazing and girl-on-girl kissing. You caught that split-second too, right?

Gruendemann and Jacobson have called the project a “feminist, thinking-man’s” exploitation film with a mysterious female narrator who “comments periodically on the folly of humanity, the plight of the human condition and the vagaries of life and love through quoting the likes of Dostoevsky, T.S. Eliot, Sun Tzu and even Buddha.” So, um, maybe you don’t have to feel so guilty about just staring at boobs and stuff.

Oh, and one more thing, the film also stars a little person who plays a female assassin named Hot Pocket.

See, now you’re really happy you put those pillows down beforehand.

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