“Shear Genius” mini-cap: do it yourself

Round One: For the fourth Shear Genius shortcut challenge, it’s a game of hairstyle musical chairs. The models will be switching stylists willy-nilly at the command of the guest judge.

Nekisa seals her fate as my least favorite stylist by whining that she’s tired of Charlie winning all the elimination challenges, and that she didn’t know you could win immunity twice, but whatever. Then, rolling her eyes for what will be the millionth time, she says she’s been in the bottom for every challenge so far, but bad things come in threes, so her luck is about to change. She also notes, “Dee’s gay, but that doesn’t mean she has a crush on me. She likes me because I am all personality and good looks.” Her psychic powers are not as good as she would like to believe, as we will see.

Dee says, “I’m the artistic director back home in Miami, I work with over 25 hairdressers, I make s–t happen. It’s a piece of cake for me!”

Paulo asks the models which one really wants to see a change in her style.

One of the gals throws her hand in the air and says, “I’m open to anything.”

Paulo asks, “Are you sure?” and she says that she is positive.

When the clock starts, Paulo’s ready-for-anything client has a full-on meltdown because he gives her bangs and darkens her hair a little. She moves left, and then left again, and by the time she gets to Charlie she’s inconsolable. She didn’t know when she signed on to do a reality television show about hairstyling that there was a chance her hair would get cut!

Meredith dyes her client’s hair a color that can only be described as Strawberry Shortcake red, and when the model moves left to Daniel, he has a Texas-size hissy fit.

Gail wanders around the salon, looking for tips. Paulo interviews that the whole thing is a big hairstyling orgy. Glenn works quietly and steadily. Nekisa stands around and rolls her eyes some more.

When the stylists end up with their original clients, Charlie surveys Meredith’s model’s red hair and asks, “Why are your balls so big? It makes me nervous.”

“It makes everybody nervous,” Meredith admits.

Charlie says, “It makes me feel like a little girl.”

Winner: Dee

Loser according to Bravo: Meredith’s hot red mess.

Loser according to me: Nekisa. If I had one wish at this moment it would be a face-freeze laser. I would zap Nekisa and leave her like this for six weeks so she could see how perpetually juvenile she looks.

Round Two: back at their house, the stylists have some cocktails and bicker, as is their wont.

With plastic tumbler of vodka in hand, Paulo asks if it was hard for the other stylists to communicate their visions to each other when it was time to switch clients in the challenge. Charlie says he didn’t have a vision because he didn’t know which client would land in his chair at the end. Dee says she knew the whole time that she would end up with her original model, that she planned and executed her vision perfectly.

Everyone questions Dee’s logic, pointing out that without the power of occulemncy or the benefit of a time turner, she couldn’t have known she would end up with her client.

“It doesn’t matter!” Dee insists. “Whoever had her, I was gonna go to that stylist and say ‘This is what we talked about.’ I got what I wanted, and I was cool with it, because I made sure—”

“Fine, that’s how you won,” Paulo says, stopping her mid-nonsense.

Charlie says, “I thought they all looked like s–t. Sorry, I’m just being honest. Besides none of it was ours.”

Dee goes berserk and argues the following: She “started the f—–g thing and [she]finished the damn thing, and it had [her] name all over it!” And that Charlie should shut his yap because she “worked [his client's] Chewbacca hair down for [him].” She says he really didn’t do a whole lot.

“I gave you credit for that!” snips Charlie.

Dee shouts that she doesn’t “give a f–k about the credit!”

She interviews that Charlie may have talent, but that he has no class, and that’s what separates a great hairdresser from an OK hairdresser.

Charlie interviews: “[Dee's hairstyle] was the least bad of all of them, not really something to be super proud of.”

Winner: Meredith, who puts a lid on the whole squabble by shouting: “F–k all of you. I’m the one who came in last, so just shut the f–k up.”

Loser: Me, for having to watch half a dozen of my pet peeves in one clip: boasting, superfluous arguing, nonsensical points of reasoning, and then, to top it off, Dee sits down next to Nekisa on the couch and says she needs a massage. Bravo cues the crickets, and rightly so.

Round Three: For the elimination challenge, each stylist will give his or her client a style she can recreate at home. Dee gets to choose the order in which the contestants pick their models. She chooses Nekisa first, which surprises no one.

The challenge is all fun and games until Rene announces that the judging will not take place that night. With 30 minutes left, he says that the models will come back in the morning and style their own hair in the manner of the professionals. The best style will win. For the last half hour, the salon is less genius and more shear panic.

The next morning, with the stylists hovering over them, the models recreate their hairstyles. Nicole‘s client is finished in eight minutes, and her hair looks really good. She didn’t even have to use a brush. All of the models manage to pretty much recreate the styles they were given, and none of them look terrible.

Charlie had immunity and he played it safe. In fact, he sat in a chair and mostly chatted with his client the whole time. The judges chastise him for this, and he takes it well, promising to do better next week.

Winner: Glenn, who cries while the other contestants clap and clap for her. She is getting a full-page in Allure for her hairstyle. I, too, am happy for her!

Loser according to Bravo: Meredith (Ugh!)

Loser according to me: Nekisa. Not only was her hairstyle worse that Meredith’s, we are now going to have to watch Dee’s straight girl crush play out for all the world until Nekisa’s eye rolling finally gets her eliminated.

Goodbye, Meredith. I will miss your witty sound bites, and the way your crazy eyebrows dance of their own volition.

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