How not to cover Angelina Jolie

Congratulations, Angelina Jolie! You’ve just added two bouncing bundles of joy to your ever-expanding litter family of youngsters. You’re in a relationship with one of the sexist men alive. Your summer blockbuster Wanted has grossed nearly $200 million internationally. And, oh yeah, you’re gorgeous. You must feel on top of the world right about now. So, naturally, I hesitate to bring this up. But I simply cannot ignore this any longer, I must know. Do the magazine editors of the world have some kind of grudge against you?

It’s the only logical explanation for the monstrosity that is the new Vanity Fair Italy cover. Yowza. Your face looks like it was molded out of Silly Putty. And your skin looks like you rolled around in cocoa powder before arriving at the studio. Or, possibly, this is just your wax figure from Madame Tussauds sprayed with too much bronzer, in which case what a clever time-saving technique.

But I am afraid there is even more evidence to my grudge theory, namely the June 20 issue of Entertainment Weekly. I don’t know how they did it, but the editors at EW managed to make me look at you and, for the first time, think “Wow, that nose!” instead of “Wow, those lips!” Vanity Fair Italy actually used EW‘s shots and just doctored them to be even less attractive. Nice trick, guys.

Even your more flattering covers shots are distracting for other reasons. The American edition of Vanity Fair had a lovely, sexy shot of your cleavage, err, face in July.

First Gillian Anderson and now you. So what gives? Are all these magazine editors secretly (or not-so-secretly) jealous of you? Did someone get drunk while using Photoshop? Are you deliberately changing your skin tone as an homage to the multi-ethnic backgrounds of your international brood? The silliest part is, this is all so totally unnecessary. The real you will always be more beautiful than the digitally-altered you.

p.s. If you and Brad ever need a babysitter, give me a call. As long as you have cable and a nanny to change the poopie diapers, I’m so there.

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