June might be Pride Month – a time where gays and lesbians everywhere pop out of doorways, alleyways, radiators and even closets to celebrate their gayness – but some celebrities, however, have instead decided to celebrate the declaration (or reaffirmation) of their heterosexuality. Retracting previous declarations of queerness isn’t new (see, for example Keeley Hawes), and some of the following celebrities are happy to carry on that fine tradition.
1. Jenna Jameson is “totally hetero.”
Due to an increased sense of political awareness, lesbians will not hesitate to intellectualize things that were never meant to be critically analyzed, such as porn. Porn is intended to bypass the area of the brain that is used for things like crunching numbers or discussing semiotics and is instead supposed to trigger the following reflexes: making your crotch tingle and eliciting the uncontrollable desire to hump something (or someone). However, porn is a sticky subject with some lesbians (and not in the literal sense).
Well some promises were meant to be broken. (And this exchange is further proof that torture does not elicit honest confessions. Are you listening, Dick Cheney?)
When one hears the phrase “porn star” the name that most likely comes to mind is Jenna Jameson. Jameson has become a household name, even among those who have never seen any of her films. A few weeks ago, Jenna announced that she is not a lesbian and is in fact “totally hetero.”
Totally hetero? That’s news. Take this excerpt from this article in Rolling Stone, for example:
Or the following excerpt from this article in Paper magazine:
Maybe I’m just slow, but going on record saying that man sweat is icky and that you always wonder how a girl tastes may be the reason why this “misconception” exists.
Now, I do not personally know of any lesbians who are upset that Jenna Jameson has publicly declared her heterosexuality, but perhaps the 100 plus women that she bedded off-screen are scratching their heads in confusion.
2. Carly Simon announces that she is not gay.
Just last month Carly Simon told the Bay Area Reporter that she didn’t think of herself as “not gay” and in fact, strongly implied that she has had same sex experiences.
Many wondered what these “extremely personal stories” were. How had she “enlarged all of [her] possibilities”?
Then, just a few days ago she denied those previously self-perpetuated rumors on the Howard Stern Show.
Too old? Oh, come on, Carly. Age ain’t nothing but a number.
Let’s look at some of the lyrics from Carly Simon’s most recognizable song, “You’re So Vain,” which is the anthem of all women who have dated narcissistic jerks.
Does anyone else get lesbianish vibes from these lyrics? First, every lesbian has an ex that fits the profile. Second, who doesn’t know of a lesbian with a vast collection of hats that she parades around in public like 80’s rappers paraded around their gold chains? And third, take note of the use of the word “partner,” which is non-gender specific.
Hat dipped below one eye? Cockiness? All the girls dreamed to be her partner? Who does that remind you of?
OK, that song was written in 1972 and was therefore not written about a certain Eva Torres who mysteriously disappeared from The L Word without a trace, but the jury is still out on Carly.
3. Denise Richards could “never do that!”
Denise Richards never declared herself to be queer, but she sure had a steamy scene with Neve Campbell in Wild Things, so I am going to throw her into the mix for my own prurient interest.
Just a couple of weeks ago, she announced, “No, I’d never do that – I love men!”
“That” is, of course, being a lesbian – you know, “those people.”
Then she continued, “I admit I have a weakness for guys that have dark hair and are passionate in bed, what is wrong with that?”
Doth the lady protest too much? As much as I would like to start rumors for fun, let’s be real. Anyone who has a chance to make out with Neve Campbell in a swimming pool…
…but then voluntarily goes for this…
…is probably not a lesbian.
Denise, darling. I hereby pronounce you 100% heterosexual. But Happy Pride anyway!