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Best. Lesbian. Holiday. Ever.

Stumped about what to get your girlfriend, ex-girlfriend, BFFs or holiday fling casual acquaintances this holiday season? We at AfterEllen.com have rounded up a few choice gifts to recommend, from the best DVDs and games to lesbionic fashion for you and your home. So queue up those “Jingle Bells” and crack open that eggnog, because we’re here to help make this the Best. Lesbian. Holiday. Ever.

NOTHING SAYS LESBIAN LIKE NICHE PROGRAMMING

There are plenty of lesbolicious DVDs to give this year, from romantic comedies Gray Matters and Puccini for Beginners to Melissa Etheridge’s concert DVD, The Awakening: Live, which features her one-time performance of her newest album at the Hard Rock Café in New York. But if you’re shopping for a lesbian who has almost everything, here are some other selections for her special collection:

The Dante’s Cove Guilty Pleasure Collection box set ($49.95) contains the complete first two seasons of here! TV’s supernatural soap opera, but that’s not why you should get it. It also includes the so-called “Lost Pilot,” in which Jill Bennett stars as the evil Tresum-practicing Grace. The role was later re-cast with Tracy Scoggins, who brings a more diva-like approach to the material, but that’s not to say that Jill didn’t bring her own special touch to the character.

The “Lost Pilot” isn’t stellar filmmaking by any degree (for example, it features a lesbian who is constantly wearing a tiara and brandishing one crutch), but the screen lights up when Jill finally appears about 36 minutes in, dressed in a severe Victorian gown that only emphasizes her killer attitude. When she tells Ambrosius, her philandering (and secretly gay) lover, “One does not deceive me and get away with it or betray me without suffering,” no one in their right mind would dare to disagree with her!

For the sci-fi fan in your life, do them a favor and get them the Battlestar Galactica: Razor DVD ($26.98), complete with extended and deleted scenes (more Starbuck!), a sneak peek at Season 4, all of the minisodes that aired before the movie premiered on TV, and commentary from executive producer Ronald Moore and writer Michael Taylor. Their behind-the-scenes details on how they developed the Admiral Cain-Gina story line are fascinating and will provide hours of geeking-out pleasure for the BSG fan.

While we wait for Exes & Ohs to come out on DVD, check out the complete first season of The Big Gay Sketch Show ($26.99), Logo’s sketch comedy series featuring the hilarious Julie Goldman, Kate McKinnon and Nicole Paone. Yes, this DVD does come from our parent company, Logo, but it’s no Curl Girls!

The two-disc set also includes Julie’s Celesbian Interviews with Michelle Paradise, Jenny Shimizu, Alexandra Hedison and more – plus, interviews with the cast of BGSS, bloopers, behind-the-scenes video and all those sketches about lesbian speed dating, The Facts of Life and lesbian phone sex.

What could be better than reconfirming your lesbianism by watching Julie’s speed dating encounters right after Christmas dinner with your entire extended family, where they tried to set you up with that cute (male) accountant Mom met at church last weekend?

PREY FOR PSEUDO—ROCK AND ROLL

This year’s insanely hard-to-find gift (think Tickle Me Elmo, only less fuzzy) is Rock Band, the new video game that lets you and three friends pretend to be Sleater-Kinney. Or Missy Higgins. OK, more like Missy Higgins covering Metallica or Sleater-Kinney covering Soundgarden. Actually, that would be awesome!

Rock Band comes with two guitars and a drum set, plus a microphone for your lead diva. Maybe the set list isn’t rife with lesbian artists (though it does include the Pixies, the Yeah Yeah Yeahs, Hole and Garbage), but the beauty of the game is that you are the artist, and you can name your band whatever you want and be as gay as you want onstage. Or in the comfort of your own living room, which will probably be more than enough of a concert hall as far as your neighbors are concerned.

Here’s a Rock Band promo clip, compliments of the NewNowNext blog:

So far the game is available – and I use that term loosely – for Xbox and PlayStation 3, but a PlayStation 2 version is due out Dec. 18, with a Wii edition on tap for sometime in 2008. Try sites like NowInStock.net if you’re serious about giving the gift of rock, and be prepared to shell out some serious cash, too: The Logo shop has the PS3 edition for $169.99 (but again, it depends on what your definition of has is).

If Rock Band is too dear or too scarce for you, consider one of the Guitar Hero games.

The latest, Guitar Hero III, was released in November and can be difficult to find, but should still be more available than Rock Band. The other releases are everywhere and more affordable – Guitar Hero, Guitar Hero II and Guitar Hero Rocks the ’80s. You can’t do better than Heart‘s “Crazy on You” and “Barracuda” (on Guitar Hero II and III, respectively). And the ’80s edition has grrrl-power gems like the Go-Gos‘ “We Got the Beat” and the Pretenders‘ “Tattooed Love Boys,” while the first release has Joan Jett‘s “I Love Rock ‘n’ Roll” and the Donnas‘ “Take It Off.”

If the songs aren’t lesbianish enough for you, take a look at the various female ax-wielders. Don’t tell me the characters named Judy Nails and Casey Lynch don’t have female groupies.

I just hope Activision wises up soon and realizes that not all gamers are teenage boys. Its chief executive recently said to the New York Times, “[Guitar Hero] has been on … The Ellen DeGeneres Show. I don’t know the audience demographic for Ellen, but it’s not your typical gamer.”

True, if by that he means atypically awesome. Gimme “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” on expert level and prepare to be wowed!

LOCKER ROOM NOT INCLUDED

If simulated shredding isn’t your game, see if you can find a Nintendo Wii console somewhere.

The motion-detecting system was the hot item last season and can still be difficult to find, though sites like WiiTracker.com do the hunting for you. The Wii Sports game comes with the hardware, and includes tennis, baseball, golf and bowling. With the ability to customize your own Mii character, you can be Amelie Mauresmo or Rosie Jones – breaking lamps and furniture instead of championship records. I can’t think of a more lesbian Saturday night than a potluck and four-person Wii tennis.

YES, VIRGINIA, THERE ARE LESBIANS IN SPACE

A couple of weeks ago, Sarah mentioned the new video game Mass Effect, currently only for Xbox 360.

Early reviews of the game are stellar – even if it takes awhile to get to the alien seduction scene, you should be more than entertained by the space combat and complex story. (Oh, who am I kidding? Get to the seduction scene and then post screenshots in the forums!)

The games Jade Empire and Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic also include lesbian characters, as do the various Sims titles if you want to play create-a-dyke. And don’t forget Buffy the Vampire Slayer for Xbox or the BloodRayne games (yes, the movie was based on the video games, which should have been a red flag for Kristanna Loken and Michelle Rodriguez). There’s also a Battlestar Galactica game (unfortunately not Razor-centric). Check CheapAssGamer.com or the usual auction sites for good deals.

RE-CREATE THE L WORD POKER PARTY (MINUS THE BAD HATS)

If you prefer Milton Bradley to Microsoft, some new and classic board games and card games will make your holidays happy. Let’s start with a poker set: The 30 Rock cast poker set auction closes Dec. 3, but you can still get a Sopranos poker set and pretend you’re in Vegas with Sarah Shahi. Better yet, upload pictures of your favorite L Word characters and create your own poker chips! Just don’t invite too many of Papi’s ex-girlfriends to your party.

You might also lasso up a set of Wonder Woman playing cards, complete with dice, or watch Guinevere Turner‘s The Notorious Bettie Page while you shuffle some Bettie Page playing cards.

I’ll see that and raise you a set of Frida Kahlo playing cards. (For the card player who truly has everything and tends to favor the surreal.)

BOARD BUT NOT BORED

Gay and lesbian board games are even harder to find than Rock Band, but at least one is still being developed and improved: Our Family Game, a trivia game that asks you edifying questions such as “Who designed the rainbow flag?” and “Which company was the first to offer a nondiscrimination and domestic partnership policy?” They’ve even made a commercial:

Classic games like chess and backgammon always make good gifts, especially if you spring for a fancy set from a place like TheChessStore.com (and if you buy a backgammon set, you can re-create the fantasy match in Claire of the Moon). Newer favorites like Trivial Pursuit and Scene It have new editions out for the holidays – the Scene It Deluxe Movie Second Edition includes scenes from The Devil Wears Prada, starring AfterEllen.com favorite Emily Blunt.

Finally, there’s a Buffy the Vampire Slayer board game, complete with Willow game piece:

Just remember, as Xander once warned, if Death asks you to play chess, “don’t even do it. The guy’s, like, a whiz.”

Here’s one game you’ll probably want to avoid: Monopoly for Girls. With this special edition, Hasbro assumes that being female means preferring the Mall of America to Boardwalk, and building boutiques instead of hotels. The worst part? The board and dice are pink. Bah humbug!

MUSIC TO HER EARS

Sure, you could take the easy way out and buy iTunes gift certificates for everyone on your list, but why not impress them with your wide-ranging musical expertise by giving a few select CDs this year?

For those who like the alt-country of artists like Patty Griffin and Lucinda Williams, pick up out lesbian Mary Gauthier’s latest album, the critically acclaimed Between Daylight and Dark ($13.98). Her honest, low-key voice and – let’s admit it – boyish good looks make her often dark songs both listenable and unforgettable.

If you’re looking for a rock album, check out queer band The Cliks’ breakthrough first album, Snakehouse ($13.98), which kicks off with the addictive hook of “Complicated,” then rocks through an inspired cover of Justin Timberlake‘s “Cry Me a River.” Other outstanding tracks include the hard-driving “Eyes in the Back of My Head” and the super-catchy “Oh Yeah.”

Listeners who appreciate adventurous, experimental R&B will enjoy Meshell Ndegeocello’s latest CD, The World Has Made Me the Man of My Dreams ($14.98). And why not reward Australian pop/folk singer Missy Higgins for recently coming out as bisexual by giving her most recent album, On a Clear Night ($21.98). Higgins’ warm, memorable voice delivers deeply personal songs – all with that sexy Australian accent.

GIVE THE GIFT OF THE MAIN EVENT (NO, NOT THE STREISAND MOVIE)

Want to impress that special someone? Sure, you could get her the perfect sweater or her favorite movie or CD, but everything breaks or wears out eventually. Why not make a lifelong memory with a concert, sporting event or trip for two?

Imagine whisking your sweetheart away for an intimate show at a little cafe or front-row seats at a big arena because you had the foresight to check for tickets way in advance. To find tour schedules for your favorite artists, try Pollstar.com. For example, Erin McKeown already has several 2008 dates scheduled, as does k.d. lang. And if you sign up for an auto-notify account, you can get email updates when your favorite artists tweak their schedules. Just read our Sound Check column, plug in the names, and plan your concert road trip!

For your favorite couch potato, explore sites like Audiences Unlimited and NYC Visit for information on how you can be part of a studio audience. Or wrap up a good video camera so you and your better half can make an audition tape for the next installment of a show like The Amazing Race. If we have to endure a protracted writers’ strike, we can at least populate the reality shows and game shows in 2008. Get your friends together and organize a group trip to Jeopardy tryouts – come on, you know you can sweep the Potent Potables category!

If your girlfriend has a favorite sport, surprise her with season tickets or tickets to the championship way in advance. Tickets for the 2008 WNBA season are on sale now, and various ticket sites offer email alert services for other sports.

If the tickets you want just aren’t on sale yet, remember, gift certificates aren’t just for iTunes. Sites like CoasttoCoastTickets.com and OnlineSeats.com also offer cards and certificates that can be redeemed for sporting and entertainment events. What better way to save yourself when you can’t remember whether she was talking about the New York Jets or the singing, rumbling Jets from West Side Story?

A LESBIAN VERSION OF THE FINER THINGS CLUB

Speaking of musicals, you can buy theater gift certificates from the Theater Development Fund, then plan a trip to New York whenever it best fits your schedule. Or explore off-Broadway shows, including plays at queer-friendly venues like the Zipper Factory and HERE (the latter also has touring productions).

If you lean more toward La Bohème than Rent, put together an opera package that will guarantee you an encore. Buy tickets to see out lesbian soprano Patricia Racette as Magda in La Rondine at the Los Angeles Opera from June 7—28, then make like a good gay jet-setter and wing off to Paris to see her partner, mezzo-soprano Beth Clayton, sing in the world premiere of The Fly at the Theatre du Chatelet in July. (Yes, it’s an operatic version of the classic 1986 Jeff Goldblum—Geena Davis film.) Or just hang out in Los Angeles for a while: The Fly will arrive at the L.A. Opera in September.

If you prefer Parker to Puccini, put together an itinerary that supports the handful of remaining feminist bookstores. The Women’s Institute for Freedom of the Press maintains a list of women’s bookstores, complete with URLs and descriptions. Make your way from Word Is Out in Boulder, Colo., to People Called Women in Toledo, Ohio, or cool your heels at A Woman’s Place in Calgary, Alberta, and then warm up at Wild Iris Books in Gainesville, Fla. Print a few copies of our Across the Page column for recommendations, and check an extra suitcase for your purchases.

THE WONDER OF GRRRL GEEKS

If your special someone loves comics and sci-fi, treat her to the ultimate geek trek: Start with WonderCon in San Francisco from Feb. 22—24, then surprise her again with a sojourn in San Diego for Comic-Con International from July 24—27. Smaller comic cons like the New York Comic Con (April 18—20) are also planning for 2008. And individual artists like Alison Bechdel (Dykes to Watch Out For) often blog about upcoming appearances.

Or – quick, before there are no hotel rooms left – get a room and a costume or two for the 2008 Official Xena Convention in Burbank, Calif., Jan. 25—27. If you prefer slayers to warriors, monitor sites like Whedon.info for announcements of Buffy conventions, including the Starfury 2008 convention in Bristol, England, Feb. 1—3. Be sure to practice your Spike accent for that one.

Last but certainly not least, the dates and location for Gaylaxicon 2008 have been announced. LGBT sci-fi, fantasy and horror fans will flock to Washington, D.C., Oct. 10—13. Expect lots of Battlestar Galactica: Razor reviews and re-enactments! Just don’t even pretend that Starbuck is actually straight.

DYKEY TO T

As we all know, the staple of any well-dressed lesbian’s wardrobe is the classic T-shirt. Whether your favorite lesbian likes hers vintage (or just vintage-looking), sleeveless, threadbare or extra tight, there’s a T-shirt out there with her (or a lesbian icon’s) name on it.

The average garden-variety lesbian is pretty much required to have a sassy, pro-lesbian article of clothing in her collection, so why not pick one up at lesbian-specific sites like DykeTees.com or Pridestore.com. After all, you don’t have to wait for Gay Pride to tell the whole world that you’re a homo. Or bisexual. Or even just ready and willing.

For the pop culture freaks in your life, you can find an endless supply of shirts via which the wearer can communicate her (a) coolness, (b) uniqueness or (c) shamelessness.

Scoop up Stevie Nicks, Janis Joplin, Patti Smith, P.J. Harvey and, yes, even Joni Mitchell schwag for the rock aficionados on your list at Fashionpunk.com. You can also find all things Joan Jett at Blackheart.com. For the hipsters in your life, check out MapleMusic.com, where you’ll find nifty T-shirts featuring Tegan and Sara and The Cliks.

Any nerdy couch potatoes on your gift list? Let them relish the days of yore when there were actually a few lesbians on network (and cable) television by wrapping up a shirt featuring lesbian icons both old and new.

Fulfill their longstanding Xena: Warrior Princess fetish with shirts from Legendary Heroes or A Wrinkle in Time. For the Buffy the Vampire Slayer devotees in your life, pick up a T-shirt from the official fan club. Battlestar Galactica fans can have their special needs met too at the official site or Battlestar Online.

The always resourceful South of Nowhere fans have taken matters into their own hands at Cafe Press, where you’ll find an array of Spashley memorabilia – whether you’re “into” labels or not.

Finally, it just wouldn’t be a fulfilling holiday season if someone didn’t get offended, and there are several excellent T-shirt merchants with saucy and political designs to spark some, um, conversations. Try T-Shirt Hell (yes, the name should tell you everything), CrazyDog T-shirts, Threadless and Busted Tees, as all have shirts that were probably designed with straight men in mind but can easily be subverted for your own queerly nefarious needs.

MAKING IT WORK

It’s a common problem for the modern lesbian: What to wear? Women’s clothes are often too girlie for some of our tastes, and the cool-looking guys’ clothes hang off us or don’t fit our bodies. So yes, we make do.

The good news is that androgynous clothes were the hottest trends on the catwalks this fall and winter. Highfalutin designers like Balenciaga and Karl Lagerfeld featured blazers, skinny ties and other androgynous items prominently in their latest designs for women, and, as we all learned from Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada, the good stuff has a way of trickling down to the racks in a mall near you.

As we await the fashion fallout, we can work with what we’ve got, like the groovy western shirts, arty belts and even skinny punk-rock suspenders from the men’s department at Urban Outfitters, or the stylish hats at Volcom – they’re not just for skate rats anymore.

For the FTMs, tomboys and drag kings in your life, the good people at T-Kingdom.com have an impressive line of breast-binders. Yes, it’s a unique gift, and one that might come in handy when you’re trying to make those men’s shirts fit just right.

Dykes in the City is an apparel line by and for lesbians that offers an assortment of hats, hoodies and tuxedo shirts for both butch and femme tastes. They even have fashions shows! (Check out their website for more info.)

Vans never go out of style, and if you want to impress the rocker in your life, get them these limited edition Iron Maiden slip ons. (No word yet when The Runaways will be immortalized in a shoe design, but we’ll keep you posted).

Any self-respecting straight girl sidekick will tell you that Nordstrom is a Mecca of sorts for women’s footwear (and their annual shoe sale is the stuff of legends). But this doesn’t mean that lesbians aren’t invited to the party. Their website features pages and pages and pages of boot designs, and you can even sort them by their features, such as lesbian favorites like belts and buckles!

TO PURSE OR NOT TO PURSE, THAT IS THE QUESTION

Want a brand new bag? You can find some stylish choices in the most unlikely places! Target features a line of holiday handbags from Isaac Mizrahi, which means they’re affordable yet still designed by a fabulous gay man!

This little number from Aldo (a store that often carries some very lesbi-friendly shoe designs) would be perfect for a holiday party – or for Halloween when you dress up as Debbie Harry at Studio 54 circa 1977.

Frye is a brand name that many lesbians love (their motorcycle boots are the best), and one of their handbags in particular would make the perfect accessory for the woman on the back of your hog this year. Check out this handbag with the lesbian-appropriate motorcycle harness accent.

If the thought of carrying a purse makes you twitch, you can always try a messenger bag. The bags from J. Crew and Lucky Brand Jeans, for example, can be either sleek or sporty. And carrying your own glasses case and tampons instead of asking your girlfriend to put them in her purse might be the greatest holiday gift of them all!

BLUE JEAN BABY

Finally, as with T-shirts, no lesbian wardrobe is complete without some well-fitting jeans. American Eagle repeatedly gets women’s jeans right, keeping all of the features that work well in the men’s designs but offering them in sizes that fit many women. In fact, they even created a “Boyfriend” line that features a “super low rise” waist – but without the pesky boyfriend from which to borrow them. It’s almost like they made them specifically for us! (The “Artist” line has the same super low rise feature but with a skinny flare – and a cooler name.)

No, Jean Therapy is not what lesbians do when they’re upset and go shopping, it’s the name of a lesbian-owned, Boston-based boutique that carries a variety of premium quality men’s and women’s jeans from companies like 7 for All Mankind, Ben Sherman, Kicking Mule and others. They also offer alteration services and private shopping by appointment after store hours.

And you don’t have to live in Boston to get the royal treatment at Jean Therapy. Owner Leah Eckelberger told us: “We are more than happy to ship anywhere in the U.S., and we have been known to sell to people who have never been able to make it to the store by making recommendations for them based on pictures they send of themselves and email exchanges. Yes, we are that good that we can make suggestions based on pictures alone!”

Leah is herself the proud owner of more than 80 pairs of jeans, though she admitted: “Like most people I only have two or three in constant rotation at any given time. I always seem to put on the same jeans I threw on my bedroom floor the evening before!” She also offered us some handy advice about how to pick the ultimate pair of jeans:

“Picking out the perfect pair of jeans can be a tricky endeavor. But there are a couple of things to keep in mind when shopping for denim: Speak up and keep an open-mind. The first thing we often ask at the store is, ‘What are you looking for?’ It sounds really basic, but you kinda need to go with a sense of who you are and what you want your clothing to say about you.

“So for example, if you are a super foxy femme, you might be into the latest trendy jean with an embroidered back pocket. If you’re kinda tomboyish or butch, I doubt you’re going to like having someone try to put skin-tight, bedazzled jeans on you. Do you want your jeans to be baggier? What rise is comfortable? Do your jeans always stretch out of you? Do you want a skinny leg or a boot cut? What color would you prefer?

“There are never hard and fast rules when it comes to what jean will look good on someone and why, but there are a few good basic guidelines that can help steer people in the right direction.”

Here are Leah’s five tips to remember when shopping for a great pair of jeans:

1. Back pocket size and placement matters. If you want to make your butt look bigger, look for jeans with a smaller back pocket angled slightly down. Back pocket details (stitching or flaps) also give a butt good definition. To make a butt look smaller, look for bigger back pockets that are spaced equally and angled up. Also, avoid any sort of detail or flap if you want to diminish your backside.

2. Pay attention to shading on the jean. People often think that a plain dark jean will make them look the best, but often it can make you look even worse because you don’t get the benefit of the shading work painstakingly added to jeans. Jeans are faded in strategic places, and it’s designed to make you look better. A light fade in the front of the thigh going down to the knee creates the optical illusion that your thigh is leaner than it truly is, and for a petite woman it also creates the illusion of height and length. And a light fade on the butt of jeans (it should be very subtle – more so than the fade on the thighs) creates what I call a “cloud effect” – it’s meant to make your butt look higher and rounder than it truly is, which is always a good thing.

3. All good denim will stretch, even jeans with no stretch fabric in them. If you want them to stay snug, buy a size to a half-size smaller than normal. When in doubt if you should go up or down a size, always try it on anyway. You’re there in the store and you might as well get it right. If it doesn’t fit, no harm, no foul. We often see women go a size smaller when we have try them on another size; they shouldn’t feel pinching, but more like a leather glove. So snug is good, bruised hips are not! However, if you like them loose, buy the proper size and they will loosen up as well.

4. If you invest in good jeans, you will want to take care of those puppies! Our mantra is cold water wash, line dry. They will stretch in the width and shrink, very slightly, in the length.

5. Trust the people who work at good denim stores. Chances are good they live and breathe denim just like us at the store. Every single person at Jean Therapy goes through a three-month training process on how to get the proper fit of jeans for customers, and it’s pretty intense and a big investment for a small shop. So don’t let all the training and knowledge go to waste!

Find out more about Jean Therapy at jean-therapy.com.

PLAYING HOUSE

Every lesbian household deserves a few Sapphic touches to distinguish it from our hetero counterparts. No, I’m not talking about hanging a rainbow flag outside your front door (although you can do that, too). I’m talking about monogrammed linens.

If you’re newlydomestic-partnered (or newlywed in Canada or the state of Massachusetts), pick up a set of Mrs. and Mrs. towels ($60). The only problem is that these towels are sold in a his-and-hers set (yes, another reminder of the heterosexist patriarchy!), so you’ll have to buy two sets in order to get enough towels for the both of you. Just pull out the “Mr.” towels and reserve them for your gay boyfriend’s wedding next summer.

If you’d rather avoid the whole “Mrs.” vs. “Ms.” debate, you can order a set of “Hers” towels personalized with you and your girlfriend’s actual names ($36.95). Yet again, you’ll have to order two sets and save the “His” ones for the boys.

For the domestic goddess, consider British hottie Nigella Lawson’s Lavender Measuring Cups ($25). The set of four ceramic cups are not only an appropriately gay shade, but the proceeds from the cups benefit the Lavender Trust at Breast Cancer Care, an organization that supports younger women with breast cancer.

Ladies who aspire toward household perfection will enjoy items from the new Martha Stewart Collection at Macy’s. From the fire-engine red Cast Iron Chili Pot (on sale for $49.99) to the Silicone Igloo Cake Mold (on sale for $20.99), Martha’s pieces are versatile, hardy and timeless – just like the lesbian icon herself.

We know that lesbians are nothing if not devoted to their pets, so get your favorite dog an Eco Nap Mat from Best in Show in San Francisco’s Castro District ($34.95 and up). Each mat is made with IntelliTex fabric, which is comprised of 85 percent recycled plastic soda bottles – the Extra Large size contains recycled plastic from more than 40 bottles!

If you have a cat (or cats), now is the time to splurge on the ultimate kitty playground: a Half Moon Multi-Level kitty condo ($189.99). Show your kitten that she’s more important to you than all your friends – who will only be getting a card from you this year because all your dough went to the kitty condo.

Last but not least, if you’re about to pop the question to your girl, do it the most lesbionic way possible this holiday season. Instead of a ring or even a traditional Celtic hand-fasting, get her the U-Haul Ultimate Moving Kit ($535.66). She’ll get the picture.

EVEN THE GRINCH IS GREEN

Now that green is the new black, environmentally conscious queer women no longer need to keep their Earth-saving habits in the closet.

For the eco-minded dyke, pick up a Countertop Bag Dryer ($19) to help her maintain a clean, clutter-free kitchen space. Not only does it prevent the annoying mess of wet plastic bags hanging all over the kitchen while they dry out for reuse, it’s made from sustainably harvested ash and birch woods and folds easily for storage.

To further prove your devotion to Mother Earth, give your friends a Global Warming Action Kit ($99), which prevents the production of 10,000 pounds of carbon dioxide emissions. The kit comes complete with three energy-efficient light bulbs, a 20-oz. stainless steel water bottle (you know about the horrors of plastic, don’t you?), a low-flow showerhead and the Solar Living Sourcebook from Real Goods to give you the 411 on how you too can harness the sun’s energy for your own benefit.

You don’t have to wait for a sunny day to save the earth, though. For the demented dedicated eco-freak in your life, get the Sun-Mar Composting Toilet ($1,349 and up).

Sustainable, off-the-grid lesbian commune not included.

STOCKING STUFFERS

Still don’t know what you should get your close acquaintances/holiday fling/recent ex-girlfriend? Celebrate the primary season with a Hillary Nutcracker ($24.99). Her stainless steel thighs (clothed in a power lesbian pantsuit) will make quick work of all those, uh, nuts.

Fans of lesploitation movies – or just their posters – will love the 2008 Dykesploitation Wall Calendar ($18.49). Created by filmmaker and critic Jenni Olson, the calendar includes classic (and often topless) posters from Chained Girls, The Sinners, That Tender Touch and more.

For any dyke who’s considering the time-honored lesbian tradition of getting a tattoo, pick up this Temporary Tattoo Kit ($12), which contains 100 retro-style tats, along with an applicator sponge.

As the catalog copy reads, “All of the street cred, none of the pain” – a motto worth living by. Happy holidays!

Written by Karman Kregloe (T-shirts, accessories, jeans), Malinda Lo (DVDs, music, housewares, green, stocking stuffers) and scribegrrrl (games, events, theater, geeks).

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