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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (5.05): Welcome to the Dollhouse

Just another normal morning at the Isles-Rizzoli Estates. I’ve added the hyphenate because even if Jane insists on holding onto her bachelor pad, let’s get serious, they’re going to raise a baby together so who are we fooling? Mama Rizzoli is checking her datebook as Jane pour herself some coffee. But the domestic tranquility is short-lived as Mama R yells out to Maura asking for the date of Jane’s next OBGYN appointment Keep in mind, Jane is right there standing behind her. But a mother-in-law knows exactly who to ask the important questions in a relationship.

Maura walks in and kindly tells Mama R she is relieved of back-up duty, since she will take Jane to her appointment. Girlfriend job vs. wife job, defined. Again, keep in mind Jane is right there and also a grown-ass woman capable of going to the doctor by herself. Maura says as a doctor she is better suited to look after Jane’s healthcare needs and as a watchful girlfriend to back the fuck off. Supposedly it’s not territoriality, but classic avoidance that has Dr. Isles in a tizzy. She is trying to get out of her impending lecture series at the BCU medical school.

The nervous genius? This is an interesting, unexplored side to our good doctor. Though, given that she is a perfectionist, I can understand. Perfectionists don’t want to do anything unless they can be the best.

OK, sorry, enough psychoanalysis. Jane cuts through it as well, because while she may not be able to go to the doctor by herself she is capable of diagnosis girlfriend BS. She says, “Not so fast, professor” as she saunters over all sexylike to Maura and asks her why she is ruining her “hot for teacher” fantasies. Maura says is going because “of my love and devotion for you above all else.” At this point I’m temped to just drop my laptop on the ground and be like, “Recapper, out!”

Granted, everyone has used the old, “Because I love youuuu”-excuse on her girlfriend as a way out of an uncomfortable situation. Jane is like, “Nope, nice try. Though you can use that later as a voucher for sex. What’s the real reason?” Maura finally confesses it is because the department head was so impressed by her syllabus he wants to turn her seminars into a class for credit. Which means she would have to give grades which means she would have to relive her traumatic A- in biochemistry incident from 1996. Girl, I feel you. I have a traumatic A- geometry incident in my past I have never gotten over.

Maura doesn’t want to crush young minds and spirits, but Jane gives her a pep talk along the lines of “Grade hard, saves lives.” They’re in med school. Grade inflation means someone removes the wrong organ during a routine operation. The future security of our healthcare system gets interrupted by a phone call. Maura answers and it’s the governor. Once Jane and Maura are officially married, I imagine he’ll have Jane’s number on speed dial as well. He wants Maura to officiate the death certificate of a well-known philanthropist (read: Rich Old Lady) who seems to have succumb to ovarian cancer.

Maura asks if Jane wants to give her a lift there. Jane asks how long “facilitating” takes. Good girlfriend politeness only stretches so far. Maura promises 15 minutes so Jane acquiesces. But then Maura tells her no Downton Abbey jokes, and Jane can’t comply. Instead she curtsies and opens the doors with a subservient flourish. Yeah, that’s right, bow before dat ass.

So much more of Angie has been leaking through into Jane this season. I credit the imaginary pregnancy hormones.

They arrive at what can only accurately be described as the manor and Jane commits her first upper-crust faux pas by intentionally using the ornate decorative oversized doorknocker. Say ornate decorative oversized doorknocker three times fast. Maura tsk-tsks her and rings the doorbell instead, which makes some insane ostentatious chiming of the bells sound. They look at each other like, “Oy, 1 percenters.”

Then Jane gasps, because she left her monocle in the car. How will she telegraph surprise now? Who will know if it doesn’t pop out of her eye socket? Maura chuckles, but says, “Your snarky remarks are rife with errors.” Is it wrong to think she’s criticizing my grammar skills here? I’m not paranoid, you’re paranoid. She tells Jane it would be her “eye orbit, not socket.” And then she dismantles the historical accuracy of wearing a monocle during 1912, when Downton Abbey is set so “the joke is on you!” Could she be more adorable? No, historically, grammatically, mathematically speaking, she could not.

Then Maura launches into the real issue: Jane always falls asleep when they watch Downton Abbey. In fact, she’s never made it through a whole episode. Can’t you see them, just snuggling on the couch when the Dowager Countess comes on screen to a chorus of Jane’s snores. Jane calls it “meditating.” Good one, I call it “resting my eyes.”

Jane acts miffed that Maura has never respected her “meditating” because it’s how she focuses. Maura says “the puddle of drool makes it hard.” Now, stop for a minute and listen to this conversation again. Best friends always bicker at each other about one of them falling asleep and drooling while they watch a show together, right? Oh, wait, sorry — did I say “best friends?” I meant “married couples.” Bicker on, Adorable Bickersons, bicker on.

Once inside, Maura inspects the Rich Old Lady while her personal physician paces impatiently in the background. Rich people always thinking their time is more important than ours. Jane is checking out the décor, which includes a pen President Obama used to sign the “No Child Goes Hungry” bill complete with a framed photo of the event. I don’t think that’s a real bill, but the “Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism” Act was a real bill, so clearly Congress is not above naming its laws really stupid things.

While Jane is chatting with one of her staff, Maura calls for her to come over. Look, I know Maura is standing over a dead body and all, but I can’t be the only person who took that come-hither finger motion to a very dirty place. Something about the way she curls those two fingers on her gloved hand is…familiar. Yes, yes — I’m a terrible person. That’s why you love me.

Jane was thinking the same thing because I saw that stealth eye sex. Flirting over a dead body, just like the good old days. Maura tells Jane she can’t sign the death certificate because the Rich Old Lady has signs she did not die of cancer. But she frets about performing an autopsy because of certain hierarchical issues. Jane reminds her that no medical opinion is higher than the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts. Um, not entirely true — does the governor know the Surgeon General?

The huffy doctor demands to know if she is finished and he can go back to his golf game. Maura tells him she can’t sign because this is a suspicious death and there will need to be an autopsy. The doctor gets flustered and is all, “Money! Connections! Power!” Jane then pulls “Police! Badge! Gun!” rank and orders him out of the active crime scene. The only things you can’t avoid in life are death, taxes and Det. Jane Rizzoli.

Back in the autopsy room, Maura’s phone is ringing off the hook from a “Private Caller.” It’s the Gov, obv. Jane tells her she’d better hurry because an aide will be banging down her door soon demanding Rich Old Lady’s body back. But instead Maura is mixing a delightful punch cocktail.

Actually she is setting up a test that has a long name I don’t feel like Googling to spell correctly. But it’s important so Jane asks how long she’ll need, and then agrees to stall for her. She answers the phone with a classic “No I called you”-prank. Maura thanks her for the “plausible deniability, the support, the friendship….the eye sex, the Totally Gratuitous Totally Gay Touching, the Ponytail of Righteous Justice — you know I love you in a ponytail.”

The stalling and the experiment work, because when Maura submerges Rich Old Lady’s heart bubbles emerge and we can all bask in the wonder that is scientific experimentation. Maura’s joy at science is just the damn cutest.

Jane asks what the bubbles mean and Maura starts up on “kinetic and spectral electro…” and Jane says, “Nope.” Then she tries “the mechanism of red oxidation,” another “Nope, squared.” Finally she just bottom lines it. The gas bubbles means there was air in the Rich Old Lady’s heart which means MURDER. Jane goes to congratulate her with an, “All right, that’s my girl!” but then decides against a high five. Oh, please, like that’s the first time you’ve touched Maura’s wet gloved hand. You know it’s true, ladies.

As the rest of the team starts pushing hard on this now murder case, they notice someone sitting in Frost’s old desk. It’s some tech guy doing a software upgrade. Jane says he is “kind of in someone else’s chair,” and he hustles off. But they’re still shaken. We all are, really.

Maura is lugging what appears to be the entire cargo hold of the Titanic behind her on her way to the classroom at BCU. Oh, you didn’t notice the luggage because you were staring at her legs in those heels? Let me jog your memory.

Yeah, you still only saw the legs. She arrives in the classroom and a guy is in there working on the electrical system. He helps her set up her laptop, and he babbles on about some idiot who blew out the building’s electrical grid with his laser light show and 3-D holograms. Turns out, he was the idiot and he was trying to get his mechanical engineering class to listen to his lecture. They laugh because, professor or A.V. guy, he’s clearly not suitable to date Maura on account of the whole “having a penis” thing.

Gay thing aside, I’m just not feeling this coupling. No, it’s not because Enver Gjokaj is seven years younger than Sasha Alexander. That kind of age difference wouldn’t even register the other way around. Remember when Harrison Ford romanced Anne Heche? Yeah, that was a 27-year gap, people. Hell, Angelina Jolie played Collin Farrell’s mother and she is, literally, only 11-months older than him.

OK, OK — sorry, got caught on a feminist tangent. Where was I? Right, he’s clearly not right for her because he is Victor from Dollhouse and therefore clearly on a mission to seduce her for nefarious purposes, and will wake up soon asking if he had fallen asleep. So relax, sit back. This will all be over soon enough. Bonus: Eliza Dushku might show up.

Jack/Victor has stuck around for Maura’s seminar, which is not creepy at all. Doesn’t he have, like, office hours or papers to grade? See, told you, suspicious. He tells her she was great and they talk about how hard it is to grade their students. Maura wishes there was a way to fix that feeling and he says, “I don’t think feelings can be fixed.” Wait, is this some sort of coded conversation about being gay? He then asks her out for coffee so he can show her pamphlets about PFLAG.

As Maura is meeting her new beard, the detectives interview some very rich Red Herrings: the former drug addict son, the kinky sex life son. Neither of them did it, but we do learn the latter has a very healthy sex lives involving two women and one other man — simultaneously. Let your freak flag fly, baldy.

Amid all of this Jane has, of course, missed her OBGYN appointment. Wow, I guess she really needed someone to take her after all. Mama R told her begrudgingly she would reschedule. But then she returns saying instead of cancelling and having to pay the appointment fee anyway, she just went. Whoa, whoa, whoa — do we need to have the talk about boundaries again?

Mama R got folic acid from the doc and also asked if she could be Jane’s midwife. But it’s OK, because she’s not going to do a home delivery right there in Maura’s living room. They can still go to the hospital and stuff. I think we need to circle back to the boundaries discussion. Jane points at her junk and is like this is not “we.” That’s right, it’s only a “we” with Maura.

Mama R gets hurt and says she was just trying to help. Jane says it’s not helpful, it’s invasive. Mama R gets more hurt. I know we’re supposed to feel sorry for Mama R here because Jane is shutting her out. But asking your daughter’s doctor if you can be her midwife before asking your actual daughter is weird. Also, it’s weird to go to your daughter’s OBGYN appointment for her.

Jane runs down to see Maura to tell her about the crazy thing Mama R did, but she runs into her practicing her lecture into a hairbrush instead. Not one to let a good opportunity to tease her girlfriend go, she asks why she looks like she’s getting ready for a summer camp talent show. She also calls Maura’s voice sexy — which coming from Angie is a real big compliment. Hello, Queen of Sexyvoice.

Maura tries to play it off like she is just Disney princess brushing her hair, but Jane — she knows how to be invasive as well. Like mother, like daughter. So she steals Maura’s notecards with another classic girlfriend move. But they’re just lecture notes. Maura is nervous about repeating her performance — in the classroom. Might I add, those are words she has never, ever said to Jane before. Ahem. Jane tries to decipher Maura speak and figures out she met a guy who, if history is any judge, will eventually be arrested for murder, frame her or try to murder her — and/or any combination of the three.

Maura says it will never work out and Jane’s like, “No, this is great. Now we both can have beards and no one will ever suspect.”

Just when you thought the case was going nowhere, the Rich Old Lady’s maid comes in and confesses. The Rich Old Lady and her had planned an assisted suicide with morphine to ensure her passing was peaceful. And she has even carried it out, but someone got to her first with a needle full of air. Red Herring No. 3, out f the way.

Jane goes to see Maura because that’s what Jane does. They’re discussing the case when a plant arrives for Maura. It’s from Jack/Victor. Now Jane gets annoyed. Perhaps she is rethinking this beards thing. She even says, “Barf.” So say all the lesbians, honey.

Jack/Victor has sent Maura an oleander tree, which is actually deadly and reconfirms my previous theory on him trying to kill her. Maura agrees and says, “There is no Mr. Right out there for me.” That, my friends, is something every gay lady has said to herself. Self-awareness is the first step.

Of course at this point every gay lady watching screams, “But there is a Ms. Right!” at their TVs.

Then Maura goes through a list of the terrible men she dated. Hey, nobody is perfect. I had a college boyfriend for like three weeks. It happens. There was the face licker — Giovanni. There was the one she got framed for murdering — the fake colorectal surgeon. There was the serial killer who encased dead women in plaster — Mr. LeAnn Rimes. And she doesn’t even list off Zack from Saved by the Bell (also a murdered) and the international fugitive (though, at least he was trying to save lives instead of take them).

Jack/Victor turns up at Maura’s office. Is it really that easy to gain access to the Chief Medical Examiner of the Commonwealth of Massachusetts’ inner sanctum within the Boston Homicide headquarters? He’s not even wearing a visitor’s nametag. He walks in and I keep expecting him to snap her neck at any moment and for a man in a suit to say, “Would you like a treatment?”

Maura cuts to the chase and says it’s best to be honest. “I’m gay, so this is never going to work. And it’s you, very much you. Since you’re a guy.” Jack/Victor says, “I really thought we had chemistry.” And then everyone watching laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs for the rest of the episode. Buddy, you’ve seen Sasha and Angie on screen together, right? That’s chemistry. This? This is a square-jawed dude in a sweater awkwardly pretending he knows how to connect someone’s computer to wifi.

Maura tells him he also probably has a serious neurological and biological disorders and he should go see a doctor to get his gaydar tuned up. Then he drops just the most psycho-babbly pick-up line ever: “Do you really want to live alone in fear instead of with somebody who knows what it’s like to be scared?” Slow your roll, doll. You two have been on exactly one coffee date together and then you sent her a Death Tree.

Meanwhile, in the Division One Café Jane is being served a heaping meal of Maternal Guilt. Mama R tossed baked chicken and steamed vegetables at her with a shrug. Jane tries to smooth things over by asking Mama R to sit with her while she eats. She gets crossed arms and a discussion of boundary issues instead.

Mama R tells Jane she has “10-foot walls made of steel” for boundaries and then says she knows she built them because “you watched me make the mistake of being completely dependent” so to avoid the same fate she chose to “never depend on anyone.” Wait, whoa, whistle a stoppage of play. Didn’t just two episodes ago Jane ask Maura to help her raise the baby? And last episode didn’t Jane asked Maura to raise the baby if something should happen to her?

I understand the point Mama R is trying to make about getting shut out. But, uh-uh, nope. Jane is dependent on someone and that someone is Maura. So Mama R’s great big emotional speech about her walls and her boundaries and not letting anyone in? Bull to the shit. Jane looks cute, though.

Jane finishes her baked chicken and the team finally has a real break in the case. The chauffeur with expensive taste also happens to the illegitimate son of Rich Old Lady’s late husband. But before they confront him, the team confronts the bigger, sadder elephant in the room. Frost’s old desk and chair, with his action figure sentinel still standing watch.

Korsak takes the leap and sits down, confirming that while Det. Barry Frost is still in our hearts and minds, he is no longer in the chair. Again, props to the writing staff for continuing its respectful, thoughtful farewell to Lee Thompson Young.

The little business of finding the murderer is finally wrapped up. Yep, it was the illegitimate son chauffeur whose anger and resentment boiled over at Rich Old Lady. He wanted her to suffer, but then he felt kind of bad about it. Oh, no one cares. Disposing of the case means we can finally get to our Big Gayzzoli Ending.

Jane is at the Isles-Rizzoli Estates and Mama R is giving her all kinds of mildly gross maternal pregnancy advice. She says Jane will be like a “cat in heat” during her second trimester. Better hope Maura’s bedroom is sound proofed, Mama R. Their sex talk is, thankfully, interrupted by the growl of Maura’s Triumph. Mama R scoffs that Jack/Victor is “a fan of the sidecar.” If that’s some weird sexual position, sweet merciful Zeus, please never tell me about it.

Mama R and Jane share a knowing look. Taking the beard out for a test drive is an important part of any sexuality masking relationship. Maura is thrilled because it went well and despite the Death Tree it just might be possible this beard will not try to kill her in her sleep. It’s a low bar, people. Still, she tells Mama R she needs a stiff drink to shake off the heterosexuality.

And we all celebrate because this means Jane and Maura can continue their not-so-secret relationship unabated while the rest of oblivious world will go along thinking they’re just best friends who are constantly having breakfast at each other’s places, sleeping in each other’s beds, buying motorcycles with sidecars for each other, promising to raise and protect each other’s future children and letting their mother-in-laws live in their homes. Yeah, totally normal friend stuff. Sure. *Wink* I’ll drink to that.

And now, on to the second gayest thing about this show: your #Gayzzoli tweets.

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