Evan Rachel Wood, please wake me up when this video ends

There are certain things that I know exist, but never want to see. The clubbing of baby seals. The exact ingredients in a hot dog. The sex life of 38-year-old shock rocker Marilyn Manson and his 19-year-old girlfriend Evan Rachel Wood.

Tragically, it’s too late for me on the latter. Though, if it were possible, I would pull a Superman and fly around the world to turn back time and then, right at the moment when I was about to hit “play,” poke myself in the eye with a sharp stick instead. Because, believe me, that kind of “My eye! My eye!” pain would be preferable to the real “My eyes! Sweet fancy Moses, my eyes!” pain I experienced when I foolishly watched Marilyn Manson’s latest video, “Heart Shaped Glasses.”

Clearly, this video is done for effect, since everything and anything Marilyn Manson does is supposed to SHOCK (yes, all caps) us into believing he is the antichrist of rock. “Look, I’m so evil! Evil, I tell you! Evil!” I realize they’re just playing roles (him: the devil; her: Lolita) in some grand gothic kabuki theater from hell. Whatever. How he has managed to attract a series of way-hotter-than-him girlfriends through the years is beyond me.

But it’s not the ick factor of a man dating a woman nearly 20 years his junior (seriously, check out the happy not-yet couple a mere seven years ago above), or the eww response to watching them simulate (dear God, I hope) sex for the cameras that bothers me most. What really disturbs me is how quickly the wheels came off my Evan Rachel Wood adoration bus.

I mean, really, what happened? In those seven years, the former child actor has gone from innocent and sweet to moaning and blood soaked. And you thought your adolescent years were tough. I’ve always liked Evan; I think her acting shows a sensitivity and precociousness that bode well for her continued career. Her tender, open portrayal of questioning teen Jessie on Once and Again forever won her lesbian fans. Plus, she has a habit of picking films where she kisses other girls, from Thirteen to Pretty Persuasion.

Now, this isn’t even the first time Evan has appeared in a music video with a real-life boyfriend. She loved and lost with former (and considerably more age-appropriate) boyfriend Jamie Bell in Green Day’s “Wake Me Up When September Ends.” But this is the first time I’ve watched an Evan Rachel Wood performance and thought: “Wow, that was awful. Just awful.” Sigh.

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