Adieu, adieu, to you and you: American Idol eliminates two tonight

Last night’s episode of American Idol was pretty lame. But did you really expect “Bon Jovi night” to be brilliant? Actually, Jon Bon Jovi himself was one of the best things about the show. But I don’t know why he still looks exactly like he did when I was 15 and rushing out to buy Slippery When Wet. Hey, come to think of it, he kind of qualifies as a lesbian-ish man, don’tcha think?

That’s still no reason to give his music an entire night. I miss the days of disco night and big band night and the on-set vocal coach. Anyway, since they’re going to get rid of two contestants tonight, here are my two-by-two assessments of last night’s performances:

1. Chris Richardson and Phil Stacey: Come on. It’s not American Karaoke. Or, in Chris’ case, American Whine-o-rama.

2. Jordin Sparks and Blake Lewis: They’re legends, but only in their own minds.

3. LaKisha Jones and Melinda Doolittle: Otherwise known as Aretha Franklin and Tina Turner.

I actually like Jordin quite a lot, but Livin’ on a Prayer isn’t supposed to describe your vocals. And don’t get me started about Blake: I realize he has a good chance of winning the whole thing, but for me, his ego eclipses his talent. Also, what the hell was his hair doing last night?!

My real prediction? Well, Phil, Chris and LaKisha all seem vulnerable to me. And I also predict I’ll start to fret about the final two. Every year I say I’m going to stop watching Idol if so-and-so doesn’t win, but this year I mean it: If Doolittle goes home without the title, I’m going to turn off the TV and spend next season crying in a corner with my Kelly Clarkson CDs.

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