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“Rizzoli & Isles” Subtext Recap (4.01): Get your motor running

Dear Jane and Maura, I thought I’d take this quiet moment before it all starts again to send you a quick note. Don’t worry, it’s a friendly one. We all know you two are friends of Dorothy, this Dorothy and the other collective “Dorothy.” I just wanted to send you some gentle encouragement. I’m not straight — not that there’s anything wrong with that, but I love straight people. But being gay is just so, you know, natural for some people. Even the Supreme Court of the United States understands this. It’s 2013, ladies, love your love. And if that happens to be a raven-haired, long-legged Boston homicide detective, so be it. Or if that happens to be for a whip-smart, smart-dressing Massachusetts chief medical examiner, so be it. It gets better when you speak the LLBFF love that dare not speak its name. I promise. Right, there, I’ve said my piece. Please continue living your lives and solving ridiculous crimes and touching each other in gratuitous and gratuitously gay ways. I’ll always be there for you no matter what. Yours in solidarity, Ms. Snarker

When first we see Det. Jane Rizzoli and Dr. Maura Isles, they are working on their fitness. So much spandex — we love you costume department. Maura has started running again, with limited success, after going through with the anonymous donation of her kidney to her fully estranged half-sister, Cailin. You remember Cailin, all teen-angsty and terrible. Wait, is that redundant? Still Maura went through with her Kidney Now! procedure and is on the mend. Jane cheerleaders her efforts, telling her she is more than ready to get back on the horse, that horse being Jane. I mean the doctor cleared Maura weeks ago for physical activity and still no loving. A gal has needs. But Maura is keeled over complaining about her procedure not really being minimally invasive. Meanwhile Jane would kill for even a hint of invasiveness.

Then she makes a classic Idiot Girlfriend Mistake and tells Maura how much better she’ll feel when she’s “back in shape.” This leads to accusations of being fat. Which leads to retorts of self pity. Which leads to defensiveness about motivation. Which leads to the phrase “whiney pain in the ass” being uttered. Oh, Jane, you just shot yourself in the foot and won’t be getting nookie for a few more weeks now. Of course considering you’ve actually shot yourself in the abdomen before, maybe that’s still an improvement. Jane realizes she’s stepped in it, and employs some two-handed Totally Gratuitous, Totally Gay Touching to soothe her angered LLBFF. But instead she makes things worse and talks about how other people have noticed her bad mood, too. And now even the old couple on the bench know that nice lesbian couple is fighting.

Luckily a murder ends their argument. Oh, thank heavens for the immoral souls of our species. Jane and Maura meet up with TJ, Mama Rizzoli and Frankie at a parade. Frankie rolls up in his new “I-made-detective” leathers, while literally rolling his new motorcycle. Oh, honey, you are doing butch all wrong. Luckily Maura runs up, still fuming from the lover’s tiff, but distracted by the horsepower. She asks Frankie what noise it made when it cut out and they proceed to show us why they never had careers in sound effects. All the ruckus interrupts Jane from her doting gay aunt routine, so she instructs them to stop immediately. The only person who makes funny noises with Maura is Jane, and sadly not recently.

The car of a former state senator and his daughter who took over his seat rolls by and then, bam. There are now two former state senators in the parade. The daughter has been hit and killed by a sniper. Maura looks at Jane and Jane looks at Maura and suddenly none of their whiney pain-in-the-ass ways matter. The deceased’s sister runs up shortly after screaming, with crazy hair and a baby in tow. Can we give that Spidey tingle we get when a suspicious character enters our consciousness at the beginning of the show a name? Rizzoli radar? Yeah, that. In the autopsy room, Jane walks in on a pencil-biting Maura. The things we do to alleviate sexual tension. Maura says she is doing it to exercise her smile muscles. She says studies have shown activating certain muscles can trick your brain into thinking you are happy. Sweetie, darling — I know some muscle you can activate that will make you actually happy. No tricks required.

Jane tells Maura she needs to confront her real problem. Such good processing. See, all that couples therapy totally paid off. Maura needs to admit she’s butthurt about her biological mama, Hope, not sending her as much as a mini-muffin basket as thanks for donating her kidney to that ungrateful little shi… Right, sorry, here’s a pencil. Good luck with that. Focusing on work for a change, they discover the state senator’s husband, a former environmental lawyer, is a stay-at-home dad now who takes care of the couple’s two kids. Frost finds gif of him online taunting him as Mr. Mommy. Look, TV writers, if mean things posted about you on the Internet makes you a killer, there would not be one single person left alive on earth.

Maura asks if she can talk with Jane. She blows her off instead saying she’ll call her later. But then Jane sees Dejected Maura Face and melts into a puddle of “I’m sorry. What do you need, baby? Anything! Anything!” Maura asks if Jane could ever marry a caretaker. Jane knits her brow and says she’d rather marry a smoking hot medical examiner. And then this happens:

Maura: Oh, I was just thinking about you and Casey. Jane: Well, stop.

And that’s our show, folks. Thanks so much for coming out tonight. You’ll find some parting gifts on the side table near the door. Don’t forget your jackets. After some prodding, Jane finally gets Maura to confess that, yes, she really wanted a thank you fruit basket from Hope. One with some fancy pears and a nice prosecco and gourmet chocolates and spa stuff. Jane gives her that, “I love you so much you crazy little monkey”-face. And now it’s our turn to melt.

Just as things start to get to Def-Con Adorable, who should walk in but Senior Criminalist/Captain Crotchblock Susie Chang. Does she have a homing device with a body temperature sensor planted on Maura? How is it she finds them at their most Adorable Bickersons-y and then shows up? I think she not-so secretly wants to walk in on them in flagrante one of these days. Nudists, always wanting to see your junk. Frost and Jane go to question the husband, because it’s not Rizzoli & Isles without at least one Red Herring thrown in for good measure. What they find, besides an incensed spouse, is bottles of dirty water stored under the senator’s desk. Either she had a strange incontinence problem, or this just turned into Erin Brockovich.

So naturally next we see Jane and Maura staking out…a coffeeshop. I don’t think that’s where the dirty water came from. Oh, wait, they’re not on a stakeout. They’re just stalking Maura’s former kidney. Totally normal couples activity. Not unlike stalking an ex, just to make sure she isn’t stalking you. I’ve heard. Hey, they’re the ones with the binoculars. Maura notes, with scorn, the triple-shot of caramel in Cailin’s espresso. How rude! But then her half-sister looks over and the ladies have to duck down in the car to hide. Oh, please, do not even pretend getting horizontal in Maura’s car is anything new for you two. I mean, you usually move it to the backseat, but sometimes you’re in a hurry and only have a few minutes — amirite?

Captain Crotchblock crops up again — how does she do it? — but this time just her robot voice talking about Cailin’s location through Maura’s dashboard. Then who should walk up and knock on her windshield? Best to take that hot cup of awkward to go, ladies. Maura goes out to talk with her half-sister, who apologizes for her past brattiness. And thanks her for, you know, the kidney and whatever. She also gives Maura a family heirloom as a sign of gratitude. It’s a scrimshaw necklace that was given to her mother, Hope, by her biological father/murderous mob boss Paddy Doyle. So, thanks — I think?

Back on the case — remember, there’s a case — the detectives have uncovered Red Herring #2, the website “STOP BAD PEOPLE.” No, really, the website is actually called, STOP BAD PEOPLE — all caps and everything. What, “WE KILL PEOPLE” or “MURDER SUSPECT HERE” were taken? The ex-state senator was on their “BAD PEOPLE” list, so of course they’ll have to check it out. Jane goes to check Maura out and finds Susie instead. But instead of being a crotchblock, she makes up for her past disturbances by pointing Jane in Maura’s direction. Wait, did anyone sweep the room for hidden cameras?

Susie leaves with a giggle as Jane finds Maura upside down. See, I told you there have to be cameras. Also, I just realized how handy an inverter machine is for lesbians. Can you order those off Amazon? I must go check immediately. For science. Or something.

But instead of allowing positional gravity and human anatomy to work their wonderful dance together, Maura gets up and bites down hard on another pencil. If you’d just taken advantage of the inverter you wouldn’t need such distractions, dear. Jane tells her she has to deal with her dad’s trial and her feelings about her dad’s trial and her feelings about her mom’s feelings about her dad’s trial. So many feelings to process, said the totally straight friend to the other totally straight friend. The team has tracked down the Red Herring #2 webmaster. He’s of no consequence except he’s the only person on Rizzoli & Isles who reacts properly when seeing Det. Jane Rizzoli sitting across from him. Namely, “Wow.” Yes, friend, wow. Wow, indeed. Jane plays it up because even with Maura upside down at crotch level she can’t get any action, so a girl gets her attention where she can. Or, um, for information about the case.

That information leads them to realize he’s not the killer, just creating the website for the probably killer. Etc. etc. Hey, is anyone using the inverter right now. I could go for a nap. So could Jane, but Maura wants to go for a run finally. Jane groans, “The things I do for you!” Tell us more about these things, Jane. Speak slowly and use lots of descriptive words. As they jog back to Jane’s place, because of course Maura is going there, they stop because of a shadowy figure in her doorway. Robber? Serial killer? Completely unwanted male love interest? Dammit, it’s the latter. Yes, Lt. Col. Beard Force is back, or Casey if you must. He’s wearing civvies and standing without crutches. Naturally, Maura wants to pepper spray him in the face.

Yes, yes — he’s back. Casey is back. Little Casey is back. Great, so he is plus one working organ and Maura is without one. I do not like this math. Now, I could tell you what transpired next — unimpressive chemistry, confessions of PTSD and proof all his parts are working properly — or we could discuss Jo Friday’s new look. Seriously, is she puffier than she used to be? Or maybe this is how all the mutts are wearing their hair this season.

The next morning Jane is in bed. Casey has come over again after completely not spending the night at her house to try to cook her breakfast because he can’t take a hint and has terrible gaydar. He chides her about an expired jar of Marmite she has in her kitchen and she tells him, “No, put that back. Maura gave it to me.” See, it has to be love. Why else keep an old jar of Marmite? Also, to prove what a good decision Jane made in not allowing him to spend the night — ahem, Casey tells her he’s leaving. Good thing they didn’t do it because otherwise I’d say that’s a dick move. He says he’ll be in Afghanistan for a few months to train in virtual therapy, I think. I don’t really know — I stopped listening when he said he was leaving. See ya, dude, and give us back that Marmite.

Naturally, the next time we see Jane she’s upside down in Maura’s sex inverter machine. She complains about Maura not getting there sooner (haven’t we all, sister, haven’t we all). And then Maura says she’s late because Jane wouldn’t stop talking while she was getting dressed. Oldest trick in the book to keep a lady from putting her clothes on, folks.

Jane confesses she was relieved when Casey told her he was going back to Afghanistan. So were we, screamed every gay lady watching. Then she starts picking apart the things she can’t stand about him. He moved her cereal boxes. He threw out her shredded wheat. Maura notes she’s had that box for five years, because of course Maura intimately knows the contents of Jane’s kitchen. She intimately knows the contents of Jane’s everything. To prove that point, the next thing she talks to Jane about is the “hairy honeysuckle flower.” If that’s her pet name for Jane, I’ve just learned a whole lot more about Det. Rizzoli’s personal grooming habits than I cared to know. Jane then calls it the “horny honeysuckle” and now I’m certain that’s her pet name for Maura.

All roads in the case we’ve all forgotten about lead to Reidville. So Jane drags Maura with her there to “take water samples” because that’s exactly what chief medical examiners do. Turns out something in the town is giving everyone cancer and the state senator was investigating it. Wouldn’t it be easier if we just called Julia Roberts and had her finish this case? Still, Jane and Maura do just fine wrapping it all up on their own. After hopping on each other’s random thought caravans (and other things — nudge nudge, wink wink), they uncover a battery company in Reidville was poisoning the townspeople with toxins on the workers’ uniforms and find out the inspector was paid to look the other way. The inspector was — completely unsurprising drumroll, please — the crazy-haired sister!

Case solved, time for beer. Maura is helping Frankie fix up his bike while Jane sips on a Blue Moon. (Lesbian Bonus Points for classy beer choice.) Something tells me watching Maura grease up pistons and valves is getting Jane hot. It’s getting the universe hot. There’s so much talk of sucking and combustion and explosions and ramming and force and rotation and wanting that I’m going to ignore the incorrect pronoun.

Just then Lt. Cavanagh and Mama Rizzoli walk in, destroying everyone’s fantasy. No one wants to think about these two tossing and turning with each other. Jane, Maura and that bike? Well, that’s another story. Where’s that inverter when you need it?

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